Hal Chaffee Ministries

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4

The Bible is the greatest book on parenting that has ever been written. Everything you need to be a good parent is found in the Bible. This doesn’t mean that no value can be found in other books, but it means that God has already given us more than sufficient information on parenting to raise successful families. Those who are competent in the scriptures and walk with God will be plenty prepared for the challenge of parenthood.

The Bible says surprisingly little about parenting directly. This may seem like a contradiction, but it is not. Only about a dozen or so verses of scripture directly address parenting. The entire Bible, however, is about people and how we should treat them. When you consider that your child is a person, created in the image of God, just like everyone else, you’ll come to see that everything in the Bible has to do with parenting. Of course, your child is a person with whom you have a special relationship, so naturally, there will need to be some special instructions regarding that relationship. That is what the dozen or so passages about parenting address. When we combine what the Bible teaches in general regarding how we should treat people with the specific verses about parenting, we get all the information we need to raise great kids. This should always be kept in mind when studying the passages about parenting. Divorcing those passages from the rest of the scripture is an abuse of scripture.

One of the passages that addresses parenting directly is our text found in Ephesians 6:1-4. The apostle Paul, who wrote Ephesians, speaks directly to children and parents. To children, he commands, “Obey your parents.” And to parents (specifically fathers, who are to lead the household), “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

I want to address both of these commands:

Children, Obey Your Parents

There is only one command in the entire Bible directed to children only, and it is this command: obey your parents. This does not mean that they are exempt from the other commands of scripture; it only means that they must abide by this, as well. It is addressed to children only because it no longer applies when a child becomes an adult. An adult is under no obligation to obey their parents anymore. Children are under the parent’s authority until they leave the house. As long as they are in the house of their parents, they should be subject to their parents. When they leave, they are no longer obligated to obey their parents.

This does not relieve them of the responsibility of honoring their parents, for that must be done as long as they are alive. “Honor thy Father and thy Mother” is a command for all time. This looks different in adulthood than it does in childhood, but that is another subject. In childhood, honoring your parents is obeying your parents.

Why should a child obey his parents? The immediate answer should be obvious: the parents have the wisdom of years and experience that the child does not. However, as evident as this should be, we have found ourselves living in an increasingly delusional world. In some households, the will of the child is paramount, with the parents bending this way and that, trying to align themselves with the whims of their children. Instead of instructing their children about what they should do, they are asking them what they feel. This has become so extreme that some parents will allow and encourage their children to seek to change their sex, allowing doctors to prescribe them puberty blockers and to amputate perfectly functional body parts. This insanity is what happens when we depart from the instructions of our creator for Disney movie parenting, where children are the smart ones who ‘follow their hearts,’ and adults are the bumbling idiots who can’t get with the times. Sadly, many of these foolish parents destroy their kids forever. This attitude of the world in these last times was foretold from long ago, describing our days when parents would no longer exercise their God-given authority over their children as they should but let their children run the show:

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents… – 2 Timothy 3:1-2

We, as Christians, however, should know better. If we are children, we should obey our parents; if we are parents, we should command our households in a loving and godly way. And we should be very careful not to be deceived into adopting the world’s ways when it comes to parenting. The ‘experts’ are no experts at all but worldly people whose methods are built on man’s ideas rather than the word of God.

The truth is that you, the parent, know better than your child. Teach your child how to live and how to behave, and don’t put up with any of their foolishness. You can love them fiercely and still be firm with how they should behave. This is no contradiction. The best parents do this. If you leave them to themselves, they will destroy themselves

The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. – Proverbs 29:15

The Rewards of Obedience

The next reason that child should obey their parents is because of the blessing that it brings. The Bible says that it is the first commandment that comes with a promise:

“That it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” – Ephesians 6:3

Satan often lies to children about their childhood. The lies come in different forms from different places, but they are generally the same: “This is your life, and your parents are ruining it. They don’t understand you or care what you want.” The feeling that a child can get is that they are missing out on the wonders of life. Life, it seems, is passing them by, and under the yoke of their parents, they are going to miss the joys thereof. But a wise child will understand that the exact opposite is true. The Bible promises a long, good life to those who obey their parents. This easily implies that those who do not obey their parents will have their lives cut short. Or, they will experience a painful life, without the joy and fulfillment that they so coveted. In other words, an obedient child may have to suffer for a bit under the rule of their parents, but if they are faithful as a child, the Lord will reward them with a longer and fuller life. They will potentially enjoy decades more life than their disobedient counterparts.

Wise children will obey their parents. The Lord will see it and reward them. An example of this is Queen Esther, who was very careful to obey her uncle Mordecai, who raised her after her parents died.

Now Esther had not revealed her family and her people, just as Mordecai had charged her, for Esther obeyed the command of Mordecai as when she was brought up by him. – Esther 2:20

Undoubtedly, one of the reasons that God chose Esther to be queen and to save her people was because of her obedience to her uncle.

Joseph, David, and Jesus are all similar examples. Each was subject to their parents and chosen for important and exalted tasks.

Do Not Provoke Your Children to Wrath

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4

Here, we are giving two instructions to the fathers, who should be the ones in the household who lead the implementation of discipline and training for the children. If there is a father in the household, he should not think that he may leave this task to his wife. God has assigned him the head of the household, and God expects him to fulfill his duty. If there is no father in the household, the mother must rely upon God to help her to fill this gap. God is husband to the widow and to the abandoned woman. He will give her supernatural grace to help her in her difficult task of parenting by herself. The church should do everything in its power to assist her.

Fathers are first instructed not to provoke their children to wrath. The reason for this is that punishment in the ancient world could be very harsh and strict upon children. Corporal punishment has been common and accepted by every culture up until very recently, with very few restrictions placed upon parents by authorities. It was undoubtedly common then for fathers to go overboard in disciplining their children. Paul admonishes us to be careful not to exercise such authoritative power over our children that it drives them to anger. Fathers should be moderate and reasonable in disciplining their children.

Furthermore, we must not be hypocritical in our parenting. If a father has a ‘do as I say and not as I do’ style of parenting, this can drive a child to anger. God expects us to raise our children by example, not just by word. If we play the hypocrite, we should not wonder if our children become angry and bitter.

Secondly, we must bring them up in the ‘training and admonition of the Lord.’

“Training,” in the original Greek language, is the word for ‘chastening.’ It refers to the whole training of a child by use of discipline, specifically physical discipline (i.e., spanking). This word is also used to refer to rigorous formal instruction, as Moses received in Egypt and Paul received in Jerusalem (Acts 7:22, 22:3). It denotes a deliberate training of a child through the means of discipline. This involves corporal punishment, a practice common throughout human history. However, in many places during the present time, it has become taboo. And while there certainly have been many abuses of corporal punishment, one must not throw the baby out with the bath water. The Bible specifically instructs us not to abandon the use of the rod. It is irreplaceable. Those who love their children must not forsake its use:

He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly. – Proverbs 13:24

Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell. – Proverbs 23:13-14

The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. … Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul. – Proverbs 29:15,17

The rod is essential for effective parenting, especially when the children are young, and especially for sons. It should always be done in a spirit of love and not out of anger. But those who neglect this do so to their own misery and the misery of their children.

“Admonition” refers to instructing and teaching your child. The original Greek word comes from two words, one meaning to place or set something down and the other meaning mind. So, together, the word means to place things into the mind. An essential aspect of parenting is to put things into your children’s minds that they need to know to be successful in society. This includes teaching them the Word of God and other practical wisdom.

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. – Duetronomy 6:4-9

Conclusion

Children who obey their parents and parents who properly raise their children will be blessed. There will be joy in the family for years and decades, unto old age, for those who obey the scripture in this regard. But there are warnings in scripture of an abundance of heartache and pain for those who fail to to these things, both for parent and child.

As a closing illustration, we should think of the great King David, the sweet psalmist of Israel, whom God called “A man after my own heart.” Although David succeeded in many ways, his latter years were filled with pain due to his failure as a father. And his son Absalom, though gifted in many ways, was a failure as a son. Both of these are examples that we should be careful not to follow.

David did not discipline his sons as he should have. This was likely in part due to his own failings. Perhaps he feared his children pushing his sin back into his face. We should understand that if we fail morally, it will be more difficult to raise our children to do good, for they will see us as hypocrites. This can be overcome through honest repentance and forgiveness, but not without heartache and pain.

David found it easier to overlook his sons’ sins, as many parents often do. As a result, Absalom killed his brother out of revenge. He then plotted a rebellion against his father that got himself killed. The disobedient son died young, as the scriptures teach, and the disobedient father inherited misery. When it was all over, David could only cry out in grief, “O my son Absalom—my son, my son Absalom—if only I had died in your place!” – 2 Samuel 18:33. It is truly one of the saddest scenes in all the Bible.

Let’s learn from David’s mistakes—we must teach and discipline our children with love and consistency. When we follow God’s Word, we build families that thrive for generations.