My wife left me for another man, and, to make it worse, that other man was my brother.
Not long after this happened, I was invited to a family get-together. I knew that they would be there together. I’m not sure why I decided to go. The pain of seeing her so close to me, but unable to touch her and hold her was unbearable. As I sat down, she noticed my distress, and she put her hand on my shoulder. She kissed my head with a quasi-sympathetic kiss, and walked away. I ran to the bathroom to lock myself away. I didn’t want to be seen as an emotional wreck.
Through the window, I noticed my brother outside at the pool, looking slim and attractive, cool and confident. But not me; I was riddled with insecurity. Every ounce of self-worth was trampled in the dirt.
As I sat in the bathroom, I loathed myself for gaining the weight that I had. I wondered about what I could have done to keep her. I longed for the days that we were together.
When I couldn’t bear it anymore, I got up and left.
I had a Coke in my hand as I was walking down the sidewalk. It began to ring; I answered it. But I still didn’t realize that this was just a dream. A really terrible dream.
It’s not often that I have such vivid dreams, but this was one of them. And, oh, was I glad to have woken up from it! What a relief! I wasn’t alone, my wife was still by my side!
But even when I awoke from this dream, the feelings from that vivid scene were still very real. I couldn’t hold my wife tight enough to make them go away. Even with my wife in my arms, my dream plagued me. Deeply.
As I reflected on this, my mind went to those who haven’t awakened from this nightmare, because for them it is reality. I felt that I had experienced just an ounce of the betrayal that they might be feeling. What an awful, awful thing.
I’m quite sure it was no coincidence that this dream occurred less than a week after I had written a blog about the jealousy of God. My mind has been wrestling with these kind of thoughts. In that blog, called “Jealous God,” I used a verse from the book of James to reflect on the burning jealousy God has for His people:
Or do you think the scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously?” – James 4:5
In regards to my dream, this verse describes exactly how I felt. Exactly.
My heart yearned for my wife. I was jealous (envious) that she was in the arms of another.
Is that how God feels when His people leave His loving arms to embrace a life of sin? Is that how He feels when His people neglect Him to flirt with the temporary things of this world? Honestly, I don’t want to believe that He does. I want to believe that He is too great and powerful to be affected much by what we do. But that doesn’t seem to be what the scriptures say. Just as He is touched by the feeling of our infirmities, He is hurt by the sting of our unfaithfulness.
The people that I love and care about the most are also the ones that have the potential to hurt me the most. They are the ones that I most desire to be loved back by. When the object of my love doesn’t love me back, I am pained to my very heart!
How sad God must be when His people reject Him! He certainly doesn’t suffer from the insecurities that we do, but He is hurt when we reject Him. His sadness must be great, for His love is very great.
God feels deeply for us. He feels so deeply for us that He was willing to put on flesh and sacrifice Himself in order to save us from an eternal Hell. Is there any way He could make His love for us any clearer? I don’t think so. Let us be faithful to return that love back to Him.
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