How to Spank Your Kids the Right Way

[Update: I’ve recently made couple of videos on this subject: Should I Spank My Kids? & How to Spank Your Kids.]

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad. – Proverbs 29:17

I’m by no means a perfect person or a perfect parent, but there is one thing that I am happy to say about my household: I have peace in my house and my heart is glad.

My kids are pleasant for the most part. We have lots of fun together. They aren’t afraid of me. They are fun-loving, carefree toddlers, just like all toddlers should be. They ask a lot of questions, they like to get into stuff, they make a mess, they pee in their pants, but they’re great kids. I love ’em.

I don’t ever yell at my kids. Ever. But they seem to mind pretty good. Just today I was able to get my two year old to eat all her vegetables without lifting my voice at all. How, you ask? I spank my kids.

I don’t like to spank my kids. I really don’t. I avoid it as much as possible, but I’ve found that it is the only effective way to really teach your children properly. I like rewards much better. Today I told my two year old that if she ate all her vegetables that I would give her a popsicle afterwards. Sometimes that works. Today it didn’t. She didn’t care about the popsicle enough to want to eat her vegetables. It’s important to me that she eats her vegetables, so I added the punishment: “Katee, if you don’t eat your vegetables, I’m going to give you a spanking, but if you do, I’m going to give you a popsicle”

WHAT?? I can see the jaws dropping now and the heads shaking. But here’s the thing: it worked. She ate every last bite. Then I gave her a popsicle – and she was glad to have it! I was happy, she was happy. She even gave me a proud high-five after eating the last bite of veggies.

You might be wondering, “would he have really spanked her for not eating them?” Yes I would. I have before.

But here’s the thing: I wouldn’t have forced her to eat them. You can’t really force anyone to do anything. You can only hope to persuade them. As a parent, I know that Katee needs to eat her vegetables, so I want to be very persuasive.

Some people may think this is harsh, but I think its much less harsh than what I see in households all the time: yelling and screaming constantly, parents emotionally trashing their kids to try to get them to do what they want them to do. I think that is abusive. Spanking your kids properly is not abusive.

A few months ago I asked Halle to pick up her toys. She wouldn’t. I told her that if she didn’t, I would give her a spanking. I calmly told her I was going to count to three and if she didn’t get started she was getting a spanking. Three came and she wasn’t moving. I picked her up and carried her over to the couch. She screamed bloody murder. She begged and pleaded not to get spanked, she said she was sorry, but I know that if you want your kids to respect you, then your threats need to be meaningful. I pulled the back of her pants down just enough to expose her buttocks. I took a wooden spoon and spanked her, and I made sure it hurt. One or two licks is all I do, sometimes three. I explained to her why she needed to listen to me and then I held her as lovingly as possible until she stopped crying (I won’t let them go to their mother until they calm down). After about 10 minutes she was calmed down enough, and I let her go to her mother. As toddlers, I usually don’t make them do whatever I spanked them for after I spank them. I don’t feel like it’s a worth having to spank them again if they don’t do it. The point is that I give them a choice, and now they know (or are reminded) that choosing a spanking is not the best choice.

I’ve never had to spank Halle again regarding picking up her toys. As a matter of fact, I spank my children very rarely. Once or twice a month is all I ever spank them. It was more in the beginning when we first started spanking them, but once they learned how it works it was a lot less. Today I ask Halle to pick up her toys and she does it. Sometimes she cries while she’s doing it, but she does it. And it’s amazing how happy she is with herself after she does!

So am I doing this just to have a calm household? No, not just for me, but for them. The incredible skill that spankings teach them will be a skill that will be invaluable in their future. It’s called self-discipline.

When Halle picks up toys, crying while she does it, she’s exercising self-discipline. She is learning that, in life, you have to do things you don’t want to do sometimes. She picks up her toys now because she doesn’t want the pain of a spanking. But that same exercise of self-discipline will come in handy when she needs to study for a test, so she won’t face the pain of failing, or manage her money, so she won’t face the pain of being broke. The uses of this great skill are endless.

“But,” someone might say, “spankings don’t work for my child.” Well, take your bible then, and throw it out the window. Seriously.

God says that it works. Maybe you just aren’t working it right.

I think the majority of the time, people who say spankings don’t work either don’t spank hard enough, or don’t continue in it – they give up after a few times.

I remember as a kid, I was terrified of my dad’s spankings, but with my mom, I would just pretend to cry when she spanked me so she wouldn’t get my dad. Her spankings didn’t hurt. Spankings need to hurt.

Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart. – Proverbs 20:30 (see also Heb 12:11)

You don’t have to beat the tar out of your kid to make it hurt. It just has to sting. That’s why I never recommend using your hand. Your hand is a blunt object that probably has some padding on it. You’ll have to really hit your kid hard to make it hurt. But if you use a wooden spoon or small stick, a little whack will sting bad, but do no damage. Try it on yourself. It’ll sting, but nothing more.

The second thing is that you must continue in it. Be serious if you threaten a spanking. If you don’t go through with your threats your children will easily and quickly pick up on it. It may take a little bit for it to start working. Use wisdom. Pray about it. Ask God for help.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on this. My kids are still toddlers. All I know is that this is what the bible clearly teaches – and it works for me so far.

I work around a lot of teenagers. Self-discipline is severely lacking in many of them. Is it because spankings have become so taboo? I think it might have something to do with it. I can’t tell for sure. But I sure can tell which teens have been properly raised up with the paddle. They tend to be the most pleasant, the most respectful, and the most diligent. I want my kids to be that way. I’m sure you do, too.

[For more on this subject, see my previous blog entitled “You shall beat your child with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”]

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549 Comments on “How to Spank Your Kids the Right Way

    • Do you think that a spanking done while the childs pants and underwear are still on is a spanking done wrong?

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  1. Pingback: You shall beat your child with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell. | Hal's Journal

  2. The Bible also endorses stoning one’s children to death. I hope you don’t read the whole thing so uncritically. That said, I wish more of today’s parents disciplined their children…Most don’t, and the results aren’t pretty.

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    • With all due respect ma’am, the bible does not endorse such a thing. The only thing that is close to this idea is the command under a temporary jewish penal system to stone a GROWN son (an adult) who is continually rebellious after many repeated warnings, and this only after he is brought before the authorities. The book of proverbs (the book i have quoted in my blog) is not a part of that Jewish penal system, but a book of transcendent wisdom that we would do well to heed.

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  3. My 3.5 year old son is driving my insane. His daycare claims that he is the most well-behaved kid in the group. But at home, it is quite the opposite. According to his pediatrician this is normal, and I tend to agree. Better this than the other way around.

    The problem I’m having though is the level of open disobedience he has. I have no problem spanking him. But it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Timeouts are a joke and spanking is almost as useless. I could spank him once everyday of the week and he still won’t respect my authority.

    Bed time is the worst. With enough warning of the encroaching bed time, he won’t fight the starting of the process, which is great. We have a routine and we stick to it every night. When he’s finally in bed and I’m ready to leave the room, the pr

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    • Didn’t finish…

      Problem happens when I leave the room. I tell him every night – when I shut this door I don’t want any yelling or banging or screaming. If I have to cone back in here it will be to spank you.

      Inevitably he rebels right away so I go in and spank him and leave. 5 minutes later he yells and bangs on his bed so I go in and spank him again. This is usually the end of it for the night. But this is a nightly occurrence. Frankly, the spanking is not working. I spank him every night for the same reason. I’m about to call it quits and just sound proof his room so I don’t hear him openly defying my rule. Obviously I know that’s not the answer, but I’m seriously at my wits end here.

      Ideas?

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      • Hey Jeremy, thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m going to throw a few suggestions at you, but since I don’t know your whole situation, some may or may not apply.

        1- make sure you are spending plenty of quality time playing with him and loving him. If not, you will provoke him to anger.

        2- Make sure your spankings are meaningful. Don’t use your hand; use a wooden spoon or small wooden rod. Test it on yourself and make sure it stings bad, but doesn’t cause harm. I often see parents throw their hands up when it comes to spanking, and often the case is that the spanking isn’t causing pain – remember, you need blows that hurt.

        3- I would recommend not spanking him for screaming in bed. Just let him scream until he falls asleep. It’s hard for kids to control their emotions that young. Instead, put your headphones in and just ignore it (or use a noise maker). If he gets out of bed, tell him that next time that if he gets out of bed, that you will spank him. After a while he’ll realize that screaming doesn’t work and he will not do it for as long, until he doesn’t do it at all.

        Spankings DO work. The bible says they do, and God doesn’t lie. If it’s not working for you then you aren’t working it right. Change up your tactics, pray for wisdom, be patient, and do everything out of love. Your son needs to respect your authority. His well-being as a person depends on it.

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    • How are you spanking him? It should be calm, bare bottom, over the knee and it needs to hurt. I make sure the bottom is red only but double the age in spanks. If you already do this then add in a time out before the spanking. Make him think about what is to come.

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  4. You might be wondering, “would he have really spanked her for not eating them?” Yes I would. I have before.

    “But here’s the thing: I wouldn’t have forced her to eat them. You can’t really force anyone to do anything. You can only hope to persuade them. As a parent, I know that Katee needs to eat her vegetables, so I want to be very persuasive.”

    Is that not the same as force her to eat? Is either get a painfully spanking or eating. For a child or a adult a pure force to eat. Sometimes I also get something I can not eat or dislike as a adult. Spanking for not eating can also have bad long term signs later. If I get something on my plate and one say “you either eat this or you get a very painfully spanking!” what would you choose?

    Is it not strange that parents can inflict pain on purpose on children but you would not do it on your pets or your wife.

    Have you heard of Beth Fenimore? A open letter to Mr. Dobson. Her father spanked her in the name of God. She got a severe spanking. If she cried too long after a spanking then she got a new spanking for it. The list goes on. You can read that open letter by your self.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ronnie, there are ditches on both sides of the road. I do not doubt that Ms. Fenimore was abused. I do not abuse my kids. I personally know people that are glad their parents spanked them when they were kids. I’m glad my parents spanked me. There is a difference between abuse and proper spanking.

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    • It is the same as forcing. You are correct. It’s highly manipulative, as well. Most children will choose sweets over a spanking/physical pain. There is no real skill in this ‘tactic’. It’s like driving a beater, instead of the lexus, that you are worthy of. I grew gardens when my children were young. We tended that garden and ate daily during the summer- those raw vegis. I role modeled. I never used pain to force feed healthy eating habits. I grew it, showed it and made it available, while keeping junk food to a minimum. Our children followed behind us and copied us. We paid no special attention, nor did we bribe or reward like the training of a beast or lab rat. It became clear over time what vegis they didn’t like and we respected that. They had enough likes, that each and every vegi placed in front of them was not needed in order to be healthy. We never turned food into a disobedient crisis. Much of the ‘spanking’ advice on this page is a rather hysterical reaction. It’s fear based. It takes little skill as well. Anyone can use pain and intimidation to control other beings. Sad thing, is it’s sad, that some believe it’s what God wants. It might be what the parent wants and their church, but it’s not God. Not God at all. It’s man. Sick man.

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      • Judy, you speak very certainly about what you think God wants, but you provide no scripture. I don’t care what I think, I just want to know what God thinks about the subject. God seems to think spanking is what’s best for a child as He has chosen to reveal to us through the scriptures. I’m going to go with what God thinks.

        And by the way, why do you feel the need to attack my person? You don’t know me, nor my family. How can you say that I’m a sick man? You should only judge a tree by its fruits.

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      • The rod is something a shepherd used to guide his sheep, not to beat or hit them with it. I see a little 2 year old just a wee older than a BABY and just cringe at the thought that someone could hit them “hard” because they won’t pick up their toys or eat their vegetables. You do have to discipline your children but spanking is the easy way out and it doesn’t work in the long term. Kids just start hiding things from their parents so they won’t get hurt by them. You say you have a loving, happy family. I’m sure you do until out comes the spoon and the kids know Daddy or Mommy is going to hurt me now. Not such a happy, loving dad or mom in my opinion.

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      • Hi Lori, spanking is most definitely not the easy way out. I do not like to spank my kids. I do it because it’s right. The bible specifically tells us that the rod is for beating (Pro 23:13-14). When I say ‘hard’ I am being relative, as I explain in the blog. Hard for a two year old would not be very hard in reality, just enough to sting. The reason I said ‘hard’ was because I’ve seen so many parents with kids out of control who spank with a limp-wristed pat. That’s not going to do.
        And spanking most assuredly works in the long run. I’ve interviewed many adults who have been spanked by loving parents as children. I have yet to find one who isn’t glad that they did.

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      • There’s nothing you Can with people that thinks what they do it’s right because “God says so”. This is so easy! They do things because they read It in a book. I don’t think it’s reasonable ti discuss with someone who act that way just because it’s written in the bible. In the Bible there are manu horrible episodes. Judges 21:10-24. And what about this?! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24 NAB)

        If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and has relations with her, you shall bring them both out of the gate of the city and there stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbors wife.

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      • Are you talking to Hal or to someone else because that’s extremely rude

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  5. Bravo. If you spank right you won’t need to do it. We spank with a belt (not too hard) with their clothes and underwear/diaper off. 1 to 2 swats per year of age, enough to make them really cry, and they don’t misbehave again.

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  6. Doesn’t your daughter fight with you hold her pants/underwear so you can’t pull them down? ? Doesn’t she cover with her hands so u can’t give her anymore spanks?? The reason why I ask is cause I know a 7yr old who fights holds the waist band of his pants/underwear so his mom can’t get them down and he covers with his hands. Plus he fights till he is on his stomach laying on the floor. Is this typical just asking? ?

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    • Yes, it’s typical. I tell my daughter that she can move her hands or she’ll get an extra swat. This usually works for me. Of course, I’m much stronger than my daughters, so I can usually hold their hands away if I need to. My wife has a much harder time. (Kids are strong!) In the case you are speaking of, this woman might need to solicit extra help from other caring adults.

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      • You are the man to teach her about standing up for herself in a healthy way. That man, that lays that foundation. Yet, you violate her sense of being and self, from the get go.

        You try and change her, to fit your needs and beliefs. Delusional respect, on your part.

        You are much stronger than your daughter. You’re a man and grown. How un-mighty of you, in the end.

        ” I tell my daughter that she can move her hands or she’ll get an extra swat”.

        What you’re really telling your daughter, is that she needs to stop listening to her God given ability and built in need to protect her body. Her body, not your body. Her body. God’s body- not your body.

        Liked by 1 person

    • If your kid is fighting you pulling his or her pants and underwear down, there is a simple fix. Take all of their clothes completely off and spank them naked. It’s a lot easier with no clothes in the way, they don’t get their feet all tangled up and they can’t try to pull their pants back up. It also hurts more and is more embarassing when they’re naked, and it will make them think twice about resisting a spanking again.

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    • No the child was never taught to be still. I’ve taught mine to pull down their own pants and bend over my lap

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  7. Hal,

    Thanks for your great post. Our 4 year old is out of control and I feel that implementing spankings the right way is direly needed. I feel confident after reading your post and this one from Focus on the Family: http://tinyurl.com/mjllml2 However, there are other interpretations of Proverbs proclaimed by those also claiming to be Christian, who discourage spankings and cite issues with biblical linguistics, translation and interpretation: http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/

    Unfortunately, it’s a long read. Are you familiar with these counter arguments? I need help discerning the truth. I feel like spankings administered with a Christian attitude and love is the right approach. Would love to get your feedback. Thank You!

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    • Hey Jason! I’ll take the time to read that post, but even without reading it I can tell you that I know a lot of people who are adults who are perfectly fine and grateful that their parents spanked them. Certainly there are abuses, and that’s a problem. But as long as you are doing it out of love and self control, then you are fine.

      I just did a poll in my youth group (I’m a youth pastor), and asked how many of them were spanked as children. All of them raised their hand. Then I asked how many of them were emotionally scarred because of it. None of them raised their hand. Then a high school senior raised his hand and said, “I was spanked as a child and because of it I now suffer with this psychological disorder called “Respect for others!”

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  8. Good grief. You don’t have to hurt your children to make them behave. You are a bully and you can quote the Bible all you want. I can’t believe you would inflict pain on your children. I never laid a hand on my child and she grew to be valedictorian of her class and graduated summa cum laude in college. She has never been in trouble in her life. Stop hurting your children. So do you hit your wife when she misbehaves? Of course not. Then why would you hit your children?

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    • Lori –

      I think it’s important to realize that all kids are unique and as such, there cannot be a singular all encompassing approach to disciplining all children.

      Your experiences with raising your daughter cannot possibly be the same experiences I have had with either of my two children. So for you to take only your experiences and make a general rule for the masses, is not realistic.

      Conversely, anyone who assumes that a literal translation of an antient text (the Bible) is qualified as a modern day parenting handbook – needs to seek guidance in the area of critical thinking.

      Again, one size does not fit all. I have diligently tried spanking my 4 year old son and have come to the conclusion that it does not work with him. I don’t doubt that spanking works with some children. It just simply doesn’t work with all children. This is why I stress the need for critical thinking. If your bible tells you only to spank, what are you to do if your child is one that needs a different aporoach?

      Use your brain parents.

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      • I totally respect your opinion and also totally disagree. You are a very young man (Hal) and I think some people tend to think if you don’t spank your kids you are not disciplining them. There are many forms of discipline. I think when you inflict pain on your kids (as you say you hit them “hard”) you teach them that violence and aggression is the way of the world as they grow. Taking away privileges works just as well and you don’t have to physically inflict pain on anyone. It takes more time to actually talk to them and take away something they really like than to go for the spanking. A little swat on the butt is one this but hitting your kids on their bare butts (hard) is mean spirited and in my opinion a type of bullying. If you don’t do what I say I’m going to hurt you…..That is wrong in my humble and much older opinion.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Lori. ‘Hard’ is a relative term. Maybe I should change it in my blog, but if you read on in my blog I explain what I mean by ‘hard.’ The reason I wrote ‘hard’ is because I see many parents spank their kids with a limp wristed pat, and they wonder why their kids don’t listen to them. When I say ‘hard’ I mean hard in the sense that it causes a sting that is meaningful. I explained that in my blog. I certainly do not condone child abuse.

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    • Hi Lori. I don’t know your circumstance, but I can see that you may be inclined to using name calling and shame to forward your positions. I hope those were not your methods of discipline. Harsh words cause a much more permanent wound than a small swat on the buttocks.
      But even so, all children are different. My wife was only spanked one time in her life (by her parents, not me!). She seemed to have ability to listen a lot more than her sisters, who needed spankings more regularly. Your one child may have been an exceptional child, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that most children need firmer boundaries. My oldest daughter very rarely needs a spanking. My younger daughter is a different story.
      As far as the Bible goes, it is my steady rock in a world that is blown back and forth by every wind. God’s word has proven to me to be a beacon of infinite wisdom, as it has for millions of others.

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    • He IS NOT A BULLY!!!! He loves his kids which is why he spanks them.
      We all have different opinions but you need to respect this. Just because you don’t agree with Hal’s opinion, doesn’t mean he is a bully! And it most definitely does not mean you get to disrespect him.

      If you can’t politely and respectfully put your two sense into things, then you have no business commenting.

      Just saying.

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  9. Thank you, Hal , for your original post and all the follow-ups. Most enlightening and appreciated.
    I was spanked as a child as was my sister and all my close friends and their siblings, It worked.
    I spanked my kids. It worked.
    My one child who, so far, has kids spanks her kids. It works.
    I knew I was loved, my kids know they were/are loved. My Grands sure as heck know they are loved.
    I work in a school. Its almost easy to tell which kids are/were spanked. Those are the kids who listen, the majority of the time. Those are the kids who do as they are instructed, the majority of the time. Those are the kids who privately find you and apologize to you for their poor behavior earlier in the day.
    Again, THANK YOU!

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      • Almost everyone I knew growing up was spanked. Also, almost everyone I knew growing up would never hit their kids. There are so many other options. Inflicting pain on a 2 year old is wrong in my opinion. Kids are capable of learning without hurting them. There are so many jobs that require discipline such as the military and the commanding officers don’t hit their troops. You said previously that your wife wasn’t spanked as a kid. I don’t understand why she would allow her children to be spanked. Did she turn out so horribly because she wasn’t spanked? My daughter got straight A’s and graduate summa cum laude from college after never being spanked. I think it’s time to learn to use other means of discipline. We need to learn and grow as people.

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  10. I’m glad the Bible is your rock. I never called my daughter names. But I did give her all the love and time she needed. The Bible is a guide in my humble opinion and I don’t think you can take everything in it literally. It has been translated many times and books have been removed. I think that kids who are spanked are really good at hiding things they have done wrong. Those that know they won’t be hit are more likely to be honest and speak freely with their parents. I don’t think you should take “spare the rod, spoil the child” literally. I think you can interpret it as “spare the discipline, spoil the child.” I think so many people think the only discipline is physically hurting children. I totally disagree. I don’t believe in hitting anything, children, animals or other adults. It’s just wrong.

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    • If you do any digging at all you can find research that shows that spanking doesn’t work and in fact causes harm.

      Even if you think your (spanked) kids turned out “fine”, you will never know what baggage you actually gave them that they will carry the rest of their lives.

      Here’s a good read on the American Psychologist Association website:

      http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx

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      • I agree with you, Jeremy S. I wish other people would take a serious look at what they are doing to their children.

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  11. Spankings do work. They kept me in check. I work for a Fortune 500 company in the IT department. All my co workers have degrees, sizeable incomes and they all were spanked with belts. Most of the kids I grew up with were not spanked and were hellions. They are now struggling in life or in jail

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    • It’s not really a debatable issue.

      Every single developed country’s Psychological Associations have run studies that show the negative side effects of corporal punishment. That doesn’t mean that spanking didn’t keep you or some of your colleagues in line. It does mean though that it wasn’t necessary and according to scientific fact – you were harmed.

      So, the literal interpretation of a Bible passage is once again standing in direct defiance of contemporary knowledge and as a result holding back societal advancement.

      Similarly, most of the world’s Christians accept that a literal Biblical interpretation of a 7 day creation is undeniably false. It’s really only a small percentage of Christians living mostly in the US that choose to believe literal translations – in open defiance of logic and reason.

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      • There’s a pretty even 50/50 split among people when it comes to spankings. Each side is going to cite their own definitive and undeniable sources. If spanking were truly as inhumane as some people belive it to be — there certainly wouldn’t be nearly as many people attesting to the effectiveness of spankings when performed correctly as described by Hal. I was spanked as a child and THANK my parents for using it as a tool to correct and teach. I spank my children in the same way. It simply works.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. You and all the other people in this world that use the bible to defend their horrible acts, really disgust me!

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    • Hi Anne, I wish you could meet my family and I. I think if you met us you wouldnt judge us so harahly. We all love each other very much. My girls are daddy’s girls and we have lots of fun together. Spankings have been going on in loving families forever, and just because some people abuse it doesnt mean that it doesnt have its proper place.

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      • If you would have been able to meet my family when I was younger, you would have preceded us as a loving family as well. And yes we still are but I can recall all the times my dad spanked me and as much as I love him, I will never ever forget that. It left a big crack in our relationship, which sadly is not fixable with love or hugs. I know you are intending to leave a lasting effect on your girls, just be aware it might last a little longer than just their childhood and teenager years.

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      • Anne, I can’t speak for your situation, but I’ve had many people tell me just the opposite – that they are glad their parents spanked them. Maybe your dad went too far, I don’t know. I do hope you’ll forgive him, though, and not let that hinder your future relationship with him. God Bless

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      • Hal, I am sure you spank your kids not to hurt them but you think it is to teach them from right and wrong. I’m also sure that you do not want to hurt them and don’t abuse them. I do think that a lot of parents use spanking as a way to take out their frustrations on their children. I have seen a lot of kids spanked in my life time and the majority of those spankings were out of control and abusive. I don’t see anything wrong with a swat on the behind but there is fine line between that and abuse. It is not necessary to use a spoon, a hairbrush, a belt to get your point across. Spanking is not the only form of discipline. We can’t take everything in the Bible literally can we? Are women unclean when they are menstruating? Should a man be able to beat his wife, etc? Times have changed and use the Bible as a guide. I think “spare the rod, spoil the child” can be interpreted as , “spare the discipline and spoil the child.” The are just so many other non violent ways to teach a child right from wrong. Spanking is an easy way out. It’s much harder to take away a privilege and stick to your guns.

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  13. The point isn’t that dpanking doesn’t work. It clearly works in stopping and deterring.

    The point is that it isn’t necessary.

    Research has clearly shown that other, non-violent techniques are just as, if not more effective, and don’t include the negative side effects that come with spankings.

    Again, to be clear, here is what the research is showing:

    1. Spankings work.
    2. At the same time, spankings can cause unwanted mental and emotional side effects. But yes they still work.
    3. Other disciplinary techniques also work just as well. And these other methods do NOT cause the same negative side effects.

    Not sure why this is difficult to understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The reason I wrote this blog is because I’ve encountered many children and families in my line of work. I don’t care to spank my kids, I’d rather not do it. However, real life experience has shown me that other methods are not effective. I see good, loving families ALL THE TIME who have out-of-control children because they are afraid spanking will warp their child’s personality, and they’re afraid of being judged.

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  14. The things you’ve seen are not inline with what researchers have found, plain and simple.

    This is precisely why scientist’s and researcher’s jobs are so vital. They provide us with insight outside of our own relatively small pool of experiences.

    I think what’s going on right now is that parents in our society are in an awkward transitional state with regards to their disciplinary techniques. We are leaving a stage in which the only disciplinary tool parents were taught to use was spanking. And now that we know that spanking is linked to emotional and mental harm, we need to help parents learn how to use the alternative methods that we know are just as effective and that don’t cause harm.

    So yes, you have undoubtedly seen a lot of families with out of control kids.

    The answer though isn’t to ignore the research and revert back to the dark ages. The answer is to embrace knowledge and and embrace positive change. We need to be educating parents on effective non-violent techniques. They do work when administered correctly. Just as you would argue that spanking has to be done right, the same goes for all forms of discipline.

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      • Jason,

        I have a 5 year old boy and an 18mo old girl. I don’t take this topic lightly. And no I’m not confused about dpanking versus beating.

        I was raised in a baptist church, my parents spanked me and my sister, as did nearly every other patent in our church with their own kids. I understand the “right” way to spank.

        With my son, it didn’t work. I tried for a long time. Tried and tried and tried.

        Now, I’m not anti-spank because it didn’t work for my son. I understand it works for lots of kids. The point is, even with non-beating spanking, the research has shown emotional and psychological damage. On top of that, there ARE other methods that work.

        In all seriousness, watch a TV show called Super Nanny. Sounds stupid, but there are a lot of effective techniques that do not involve violence. You may consider it semantics, but spanking is violent. No way around that one bud. Even if done according to Hal’s description. I wouldn’t call it severe, but hitting is a violent act.

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    • Also, there seems to be some confusion between spanking vs beating. Hal’s blog post is NOT about beating. It is about spanking the right way. You refer to spanking as “corporal punishment”. I just want to make sure you aren’t talking about beating. Here’s an example of “scholarly research” that includes a picture of someone who was beaten. The image caption is the ONLY place the word “beat” is used. The word “spank[ing]” or “corporal punishment” is cited 24 times throughout the remaining report. This suggests that the researchers either a) don’t understand the difference, or b) would like to lead readers into thinking that corporal punishment, spankings, and beatings are all synonymous, which they are not. Link here: http://www.med.unc.edu/www/newsarchive/2010/august/corporal-punishment-of-children-remains-common-worldwide-unc-studies-find

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  15. I agree with Jeremy. Spanking is not the only form of discipline. People just don’t seem to get that. Just because you don’t physically inflict pain on your children it does not mean you do not discipline them. Every time I was spanked as a kid (which was not often) I told myself I would never hit my kids and I have not. It really is not necessary. You have to pick your battles and remember that children are NOT little soldiers. If your child doesn’t eat her vegetables then how about no dessert or no TV of no to something she likes instead of hitting. Society learns all the time about a multitude of things and we have to learn that spanking is not necessary. You do know that spanking your children is illegal in Sweden right? They have a very low crime rate.

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  16. The Bible also says not to eat pigs, the earth is flat, and condones selling children into slavery. If spanking works, that’s fine, but to tell people who don’t spank that they should because of the Bible is pitiful

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    • The Bible actually says the earth is round (Isa 40:22), eating pigs isnt really good for you anyway, and no where does it condone the selling of children. The bible is the most amazing book I’ve ever read, and following it works in every area of your life.

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      • Exodus 21:7 says a daughter sold into slavery is not to go free as a man would. I’d say if it gives orders on what happens after children are sold into slavery, it pretty much condones it.

        Also, one of the main reasons people are leaving religion is the Bible provides little answers on how to deal with modern day problems. It seems rather awkward that the word of god would also have books dedicated to talking how to properly sacrifice animals and plant crops.

        Also, I think a loving god would find a more loving way to deal with kids making fun of a bald man than having 2 bears brutally kill them the way it says in 2nd Kings.

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      • Hey brother — I admire your sincerity. You’ve got some great questions and I wondered the meaning of those passages right along with you. I assure you that with some Googling, you can get some direction on what appear to be plain issues of discrimination and brutality. I think our (mine included) lack of knowledge/understanding of the culture and context of the time often stand in the way of our true understanding of a passage. In fact, some Bibles include a sort of companion study text to provide some of the historal and cultural references to aid you. But if not satisfied, you can always turn to online sources — SO DON’T GIVE UP! Also, what “modern day problems” are you referring to that the Bible not answer? It’s actaully pretty facinating that the bible contains so many DIFFERENT kinds of books written by different authors. I agree that some of the old testament seems…well…OLD! 🙂 Basically, the old testament is about God’s old covenant, which required following lots of rules to “attone” for one’s sin, which was basically a non-stop operation. The new testament is about God’s new covenant — meaning all of those old rules no longer need apply with the greatest sacrifice of God’s own son. The old testament is also full of phrophecies — many of which were fulfilled by Jesus in the new testament and still others that Jesus will fulfill when he returns again.

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      • Such a massively convoluted story one must accept to allow for a literal translation of the bible. Pretty hilarious that one would need google to understand god’s intentions.

        I’ll just go ahead and unsubscribe from these blog updates since no one is willing to address the simple fact that studies have shown a connection between a biblically condoned practice and emotional and mental harm (spanking) – simply to protect the concept of a literal translation.

        It’s like a crazy game of whack-a-mole trying to explain away all the contradictions.

        Bye now!

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      • Studies are notorious for being wrong. Just google it. God’s word works; it always has, it always will. Wisdom is justified in its children.

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      • A circle can be flat. This verse is up to interpretation.

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  17. Of course the Katee”-belle” is going to chose the popsicle over a beating, who wouldn’t !? But you didn’t teach her anything, you just blackmailed her. “Cletus” Chafee, you need to get your redneck ignorant ass in school and learn how to discipline your offspring without corporal punishment. It’s not your fault for thinking this way. Really. Your writing this kind trash because you don’t know any better or have been brainwashed by the local religious authority. Read a few books on parenting or developmental psychology and you will see that the way a young mind works is not the same as the way an adult mind works. You won’t burn in hell for it…

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    • I don’t give neither popsicle nor spanking and they eat vegetables because they learn to do It just as I did. It’s pointless to give sugar after every health meal. We don’t buy junk food. And our children are used to eat what it’s in the house and there is a lot of food and vegetables.

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  18. Couple questions: When you exercise discipline do you take the child to their room, etc? How important is privacy in the spanking? Also, how do you handle misbehavior in a store, church, etc?

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    • Hi David, for some reason many kids seem to like watching other kids be spanked (kind of demented, I know; shows the fallen nature of the flesh). That being the case, I always take them to another room, but usually just the next room over, whatever that happens to be. I do want my other kids to know what is happening.

      As far as in public, that’s a little harder. Unfortunately we live in a society where people think you are a child abuser if you spank your kids (and may even report you as one!). Kids can be overdramatic, and so spanking them in a store might cause a huge scene. I’ve threatened my kids that I would take them to the car and give them a spanking. Fortunately, I’ve only had to do that once. I was at church. But if I was shopping or something, I probably would be reluctant. Someone passing by could get the wrong idea. It would probably be best to take them home before giving them a spanking.

      Those are my thoughts.

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      • Are you dure that the kids are also happy to been seen by their sibilings while they get spanked? Isn’t It a top much humiliating?

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  19. Hal, doing some research I have come across instances where counting is discouraged and it is suggested the spanking be given if the child doesn’t obey after 1st instruction. Also curious of your thoughts on giving a spanking after one child hits or hurts another? Also the wait until your dad gets home until correction or a follow up spanking by dad?

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  20. First of all, I would like to say there is a huge difference between abuse and spanking. However, my stance is both are morally wrong. Really the number one reason I am agnaist spanking is because I believe violence is not the answer, and all throughout the Bible there are anti violence verses. So spanking, actually why are we even calling it spanking? It is hitting/striking a child so my don’t we say hitting or striking? Maybe is it because hitting sounds worse and you tell your children not to hit, so to avoid sounding like a hypocrite we call it spanking? Interesting. (Also I am not trying to be offensive by using the word hypocrite. My intent is not to judge you and other spankers based on one thing you do. God shall be the only one to judge us.) Anyway, so if your going to spank your daughter for not eating her vegetables I would assume if she ever ( and I am in no way suggesting your daughter would do this) started to hit you, I would assume you would spank her. I mean, if you only spank her to “persuade” her and only spank her when you want her to do things then there is a whole nother issue. ( It even seems as though you are trying to avoid her calling out the hypocrisy of spanking.) So let’s use the word hitting since that’s what it really is. For the vegetable incident you probably said something along the line “if you don’t eat your vegetables I am going to hit (spank) you.” Let’s recap, how do you deal with the situation? Loss of privileges? No. Natural Punishment? No. Violence? Yes. So if she started hitting you you might say something like; ” If you don’t stop HITTING I’m going to HIT (spank, but really hit) YOU. See my point it does seem pretty hypocritical. Now, you may not hit her if she hit for that exact reason, but then why can you hit her other times? You are teaching her that hitting is a Christian thing to do and a way to resolve problems. Now maybe since you were spanked and taught that (whether you realize it or not that’s probably a factor in why you spank or at least considered to spank) you think violence is a fine way to resolve conflict, but this second part of my writing is going to attempt to prove its not.

    So in the beginning I talked about violence being a sin and a not a way to resolve conflict I’m now going to use the Bible to back that up. Alrighty so say your sharing a hotel room with a friend and they refuse to clean up their space, so you get out a wooden spoon and hit them. I’m sure God would consider that a sin. Although I have no scripture to back that up to why that event specifically is a sin, the Bible is in general anti violence. So therfore if you did that you would pray to God and ask for forgiveness. But I’m sure you don’t ask for forgiveness when you spank your daughters. Because if you did I’m sure you would be trying to stop spanking them instead of writing an article endorsing spanking. Ahah! Then you say but the Bible endorses spanking so it is right! Okay so when you mentioned the Bible verses that endorse spanking I was shocked and a little disappointed in myself that I never say them so I looked them up. And I was deeply inspired by reading them, they were actually quite insightful. But I was a little confused at some of the terminology so I did some research. I was actually very confused about what the word rod meant it seemed very vague actually, but what I found made those verses even more insightful. You see, I was a bit misconeded at first because the whole reason it seems the Bible endorses spanking is because we think rod means an instrument used for spanking children, however that is really no the case. The Bible verses are about disciplining your children not spanking them. You see shepherds carried rods which were used to guide sheep on the right path. The verses were urging us to discipline our children by guiding them on the right path. Now you have to remember a lot of these verses cam from the book of Proverbs and Proverbs is kind of like poetry so using the work rod it was giving a visual image and back then no one was opposed to pysical discipline which is violence and the Bible is anti violence, but pro discipline. So is the Bible essentially saying not to be violent, but discipline. Therefore it would make sense if we disciplined in a non violet way. But how do we do that? That is what my third and final part is about.

    Ok so we yes spanking probably works a lot faster and you probably have to discipline less often, but it is sinning. So what can we do? I am a huge believer in positive reinforcement, but sometimes that doesn’t work. If a child is out of control then a timeout is called for but there is also: loss of privileges, natural consequences, and logical consequences.
    So my stance is violence is wrong hence hitting is wrong no matter what you call it.

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    • Hi Nina, thanks for your polite and thoughtful response.

      I have no desire to spank, beat, hit, or strike (whatever you want to call it) any of my children. I do, however, want to raise my children to be wise decision makers, and that’s why I spank my children.

      Spanking and hitting are different because of the reason they are done (and the way they are done), just as imprisonment and kidnapping are different. When a person is put in prison, they are snatched from their homes and put in a cage. Why don’t we call it kidnapping?

      I don’t spank my kids for pleasure, or because I get angry, or because they took my candy bar. I spank them when they have done something wrong (and not every time they do wrong, but only when it is warranted.)

      Are you saying it’s always wrong to hit? If some man tries to kidnap your child, would you be angry if she hit him? Would you not hit him because it is ‘violence’? Hitting is not always wrong, sometimes it is morally acceptable (and necessary).

      Spanking is hitting, yes. The bible uses the word ‘beat.’ You may be able to change the meaning of the word ‘rod,’ but the word ‘beat’ is pretty clear in its biblical meaning. An honest assessment of the text will reveal that the clear meaning is to strike with a rod.

      But why do people have a problem with that? Clearly it’s for two reasons. One, because there are people who take it way to far and abuse their kids, and two, because it is culturally unacceptable to spank in this present society.

      Spanking has been used properly for a long time in this country. Some of the most happy and successful people I know are so glad their parents spanked them. Why? Because it helped turn them into the self-disciplined people that they are today. They wouldn’t go back and change it if they could.

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    • Thank you , Nina for your very insightful and correct response to “hitting/spanking” whatever people like to call it. It is a violent act and there are other ways to teach our children.

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  21. Okay, so I actually re-thought my response and I guess I can not say it will never be okay to hit. If you were in a stituation you had to push (or hit) someone for defense then it would not be wrong. So that part of my response was wrong. I even looked through some scripture, and some people in the Bible had to do some violent things. Also, I again looked at verses endorsing pysical punishment and I was very surprised! The Bible did indeed use the word beat and that pretty unarguably means hit. Plus it makes perfect sense that (especially in Proverbs) it would use the word beat because they are generally speaking about discipline and in Bible times that was what discipline was. So my conclusion was the Bible is urging us to discipline and Proverbs is using at what that time was a symbol of discipline to illustrate that. So the verse that says a child should be disciplined and not left to themselves. And a child is clearly left to themself during a time-out. With that verse in mind I also realized isolating your kids as a punishment is wrong, and the only time a time out is okay is when they are out of control and need to calm down. In that case it would be them sitting quietly and really having so real reflection on how they were acting. But if your child is disobeying you then you should discipline, which illustrated in the Bible is physical. However, the reason I disagree with spanking is because the Bible is (in modern words) saying time outs are wrong in cases of disobedience and straight out discipline is better. Yes it’s example of discipline is spanking because that’s how it was at the time. So I believe the Bible is not saying physical discipline is better than non physical discipline, but rather discipline is better than isolation the example of beating is again used so people in Bible times could relate because that was when it was wrote. So then which is right pysical or non pysical discipline and why?

    My stance is non physical. Not because the reason stated in my previous response that they are never cases were violence is tolerable, but because of the hypocrisy surrounding it. (I am only going to use the words hypocritical and hypocrisy in my attempt not to judge or offend anyone. So please anyone reading this or responding to this whether you agree with my stance or not please do not call anyone who spanks a hypocrite because we are by no means at all God and we cannot judge others or think of them by one thing they do. I also apologize for saying that if sounds like spankers sound like hypocrites. From this point on I will only use the words hypocritical and hypocrisy, please do the same.) Anyway, like I mentioned in my earlier response if your going to spank someone for not eating there vegetables it would only make sense that you would spank them for hitting each other. What if your two children are playing together and one hits another on the buttocks with a spoon because after the asked the other one nicely to pick up there share of the mess and they didn’t? Would you spank the one who hit for overstepping their balance and hitting because that would be extremely hypocritical because spanking is doing the same thing except you are the parent and you are stronger? Or would you commend them? I also don’t see how spanking is called for if your daughter refuses to pick up her toys. Because one, you do not even make her do it after she gets spanked. So you are giving her a choice either get spanked or clean up her toys. Now the reason you spank your children is to prepare them for the real world, but in the real world if they were in debt with their house they would lose there house and still have to pay. Also, why do you have to spank her to teach her a lesson? Why can’t she not play with another toy until she picks those ones up? Maybe that would be forcing her to pick them up, but aren’t you either forcing her to pick them up or forcing her to get a spanking? The only time where violence would be okay is if they were really hurting someone (physically) which in an environment where hitting is not a way of solving issues that would very likely never happen, and you had to hit her to avoid people getting hurt then I can see that as acceptable, but to “persuade” her. It just doesn’t make sense. It seems like yes you are “persuading” her not to do it again but there are non physical ways to do that. Plus at the same time you may be persuading her to use violence as a way of resolving conflicts (even if that doesn’t start until they are adults. Also, if she is pysically abused by someone else by taking spanking to extremes then she may not realize it’s abuse because she has been disciplined in a similar just lesser way at home. In addition some studies (although I am not a scientist and did not conduct these studies to know if all variables were taken into account so if these are incorrect by you standards please do not accuse me of skewing the data or providing false information) have shown negative effect on SOME children in SOME cases so there are some things to consider. However I am not going to make a big deal of the studies because I do not know if they are true or not because I’m not a scientist plus I think at least half of them were probably very bias because how do you determine if a child turned out the way they did because of the way they were disciplined?

    Lastly, I would like to end by mentioning what the Golden Rule is. The Golden Rule is; treat others as you would like to be treated. It is not; treat others as you have been treated or treat others the way they have treated you.

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  22. Not sure if anyone is still responding to these comments or not, if so I have a question for Hal or the others that agree in spanking. I have a 3 year old girl who is kinda wise beyond her years. Yet the most trouble I have is with her tantrums. Everytime she can’t have a toy at the store, has to get off the ipad, needs to get her shoes on, get out of the bath, all turn into tantrums. I usually make her sit in time out until she can calm down. Sometimes after she’s put in time out her fits get worse, I usually warn her if she doesn’t calm down soon she’ll be spanked. Then I follow through with her speaking. Should I be waiting as long as it takes her to calm down before I spank her or do it in the midst of the tantrum and explain after she’s calm that’s she’s getting spanked for continuing her fit?

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    • Hi Liz, I’m not a big fan of timeouts. I want my kids to connect wrong behavior with pain (because that is reality). One or two swats with a wooden spoon will sting and she’ll get the picture real quick. My kids drop tantrums real quick once I mention the wooden spoon.

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  23. I will add I’m open to other suggestions on handling her, but don’t need to hear about not spanking her. People always day to issue a consequence also, but when I say I’ll take a certain toy away, she will ask me to take the toy away I mentioned and give me a bunch of other ones to take away too!

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    • Thank you for the video link David, it’s nice to have examples and things explained!

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    • With all due respect, David, I by NO means agree with Pastor Goodin’s form od phusical discipline. Spanking a newborn? Come on that is abuse! At that rate, you might have well just hit the mother’s stomach while pregnant because the baby kicked her. Now, I know, that would be rediculous!!! But when you think about it, it is the same as spanking a newborn.

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  24. I work at a Behavioral Hospital with children and adolescents and I can definately tell who was disciplined growing up. A lot of the teenagers are rude and disrespectful to their parents. I tell them that I have a two year old daughter and she will never grow up speaking to me that way because I will discipline her. I tell them that I spank my daughter. Many of the kids are quick to tell me that spanking is abuse. And I am quick to tell them that I do not believe that. A lot of kids act the way that they do because they manipulate their parents into thinking that spanking is abuse. That excuse will never work in my household. However, I also believe that discipline has to start at an early age. You cannot try to spank a thirteen year old for the first time and expect that to work. The same goes for a five or six year old. I was spanked as a young child. I would much rather discipline my child now than to see her grow up and get into trouble with the law later. My daughter is very smart and I know that she is aware of the difference between right and wrong. I am raising her to be a respectful young lady, not an unruly teenager. So I will continue to rely on spanking as a form of discipline dispite the opinions of others. They are not raising my child, I am.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Liz, you are quite welcome. My wife and I started this approach (spoon spankings) with our 2 & 3 year old children. It has made a great difference in their behaviors.

      Liked by 1 person

      • thank you, I was afraid I was starting to young when we started around 2 1/2, but because she was so smart for her age and knew what she was doing, my husband and I agreed she needed punished accordingly.

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  25. Hi Hal – our 3yo daughter is very stubborn. We’ve had a lot of success giving her spankings with a ping pong paddle in her underwear. Lately it doesn’t seem to have the same effect. Do you think it’s ok to take off her underwear and spank her bare bottom with the paddle? Or is that too harsh for a 3yo? I was spanked that way and I remember it made a bigger impression on me when I was naked.

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    • The problem with a ping pong paddle is that it is both light and it resists air a lot, so you’ll end up having to use more physical force which can be dangerous.

      You honestly really don’t need anymore than the bare hand, but a wood spoon or a hair brush is better than a ping ping paddle because you only need to really just snap your wrist.

      I usually prefer the bare bottom over on the underwear because you also don’t need to use as much force and when the behind is red you know you can stop.

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    • I think you should take of your 3yo’s underwear and spank her naked. But I don’t like using a paddle or your hand – to much danger of bruising. Best to use a belt or a light strap and don’t swing too hard. You should be able to giver 10-20 swats with the belt and only cause redness. She should be naked so you can judge when to stop.

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    • Well we did it – the ping pong paddle wasn’t getting the job done, so she got her last spanking naked, and we used a belt. She got very scared when we took her panties off and the was quite surprised at how much more the belt hurt on her bare bottom. She’s been an angel ever since. We’ve told she can expect a bare naked whipping with the belt from now on.

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  26. Whenever I have children, I feel the sane way. Explain to your children that you’re not going to hurt them but the pain is a little to get them to behave or to teach them a valuable lesson. I will will normally do 2-5 for the minimum and 6-10 for the maximum depending on what they did to get a spanking. Something a child does something wrong that they might need a whipping up 20. I am the type of parent that will give then rewards for good behavior and give them alternative discipline consequences for bad behavior before I give a spannking such as an extra chore or two, take a privilege away, have them be placed parental watch or have a well trusted adult excort he/she for a month, etc. There are alternatives to spankings or paddlings as well. I don’t believe in irritating or abusing my children but bringing them up in the discipline and admonition of Jehovah at Especians 6:4. I have heard that many parents have irritated their children and were abusive for is wrong.

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  27. “a whipping up to 20.” Come on. That is abuse. Would you whip an animal like that? You probably would. Shame on you.

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  28. This is an amazing article. Thank you for sharing this information. I must say that though there are many relevant comments here, I’m amazed at how many people feel the need to voice their irrelevant opinions here. I really wish I had that much time to waste in my life lol.
    I have a follow up question to the article: At what age do you recommend we start spanking. And also how should we discipline children before that age?
    Thank you again. If you could take the time to reply to my email I’d be double grateful!
    Many blessings^^

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    • Hi, thanks for the kind words. I would say you should start spanking as soon as you know that they can relate what they did with the spanking. My youngest son is 19 mo; I don’t spank him on the rear end yet, but I do wack his hand if he reaches for the knobs on our gas stove, or for the electrical outlets. You really don’t want to spank kids for doing something they don’t know is wrong. Spankings should be for when a child knows better but does wrong anyway. The exception would be if they do something dangerous. Hope that helps.

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  29. I realize this is from forever ago, but it’s a message I desperately needed today. My four year old got the very first spanking of her life today. She got her age across her bottom with a ruler because she would not come inside when I told her too, repeatedly. Her obedience had been terrible for quite some time, and I finally admitted what I’ve known all along. God is right, not the doctors, and she needed her bottom spanked… desperately. That you so much.

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    • Thanks for the great feedback, Molly. Even though this post is old, it gets bunches of hits every day. Seems like it is a topic that everyone is dealing with. And you are right, God’s wisdom will always stand, despite what the ‘wisdom’ of the day may say. God bless!

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  30. Hey I realize that this post is very old however, I read the blog and the comments and I am debating on whether or not I should begin spanking my youngest daughter who is currently 24 months old. She is very little and has a skin disorder that causes her skin to be much more sensitive than others. However, she is in her “terrible two’s stage” tantrums have began to arise and I have placed her in timeout several times. There were occations where the timeout worked but that doesn’t happen too often.

    What do you think; should I spank her?

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    • Hi Emily, if you can spank her without causing any medical issue then I would say yes. One little swat will do the trick a lot of times. But I don’t know the severity of her condition, so I can’t give a clear answer. See if you can find a doctor that will give you honest advice about it. God bless

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  31. How do you feel about continuing timeouts wuth her? Like i said, there have been times where tumeout has been successful. It just doesnt happen that often.

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  32. Hi! I have a 1.5 year old who has become a tad bit disobedient. My husband just freaked out and left a few days ago and since then things have been crazy with her behavior. Again she’s only a year and a half so would you recommend spanking her?
    At what age did you start spanking your kids? Just asking.

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    • Hi Ashley, I’m really sorry to hear about your husband. I pray things work out for you guys. But, yeah, I’d say it’s ok to spank her. The most important thing is for her to understand that the spanking is related to the act, so do it right away. And needless to say, it doesn’t have to be much of a spanking. Just enough to sting a bit and get her attention.

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  33. Thank you!
    If you don’t mind me asking, how old are your kids and at what age did you begin spanking them?

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    • I have four. Oldest is 8, youngest is 2. I started as soon as they started reaching for the electrical outlet. I’d give them a light slap in the hand and say NO. As far as spanking on the bottom, i waited until I felt like I knew they would understand—As soon as I felt they were deliberately disobeying me. Like when I would say, don’t go up those stairs, and then they look at me and do it anyway. Then they definitely get a spanking. Just one little wack to the bottom usually does the trick. If you train them right, you’ll rarely have to spank them.

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  34. With your kids, do they get spankings every they’re disobedient? I know nobody is perfect but I am trying to know when to spank and when not to spank.
    Unfortunately, I was spanked a whole lot as a child. My dad maily was the one to spank me. He made me lie over my bed and he would spank me anywhere from 30-70 times. 😦
    That was the only form of discipline I ever knew or received so my intentions on reading this blog and commenting were to gain new knowledge on how to spank my child differently and more appropriately than how i was spanked.

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    • Oh my, I’m sorry to hear about your childhood. That’s never appropriate. I don’t spank them every time. My kids listen pretty well and the older ones I might spank once a month, the younger ones maybe once a week. But it will be more at first. And when I do spank them, it’s only one or two swats (I make sure they sting; if they don’t sting then it won’t work). Direct defiance always gets a spanking and hitting each other always gets a spanking (happens very rarely). Once your child knows you mean business they will listen. But if she knows you aren’t going to carry through or it’s not going to hurt, then she won’t. When she feels the sting she’ll be ready to listen. Show her lots of love all the time. Be tough, but do it in love. She will grow to respect you and will thank you when she’s older.

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  35. Don’t they try to fight with you or beg and plead with you?
    My niece gets spankings from her parents and once she hears the words “Kaitlyn, for ———— “(whatever she did) You are going to be spanked.” She immediately starts crying and you can tell that she is remorseful. Some times her parents let her get by because without even bending her over their knee, they can see the regret in her eyes as the tears run down. Kaitlyn never has an issue with not being regretful for what she did. Her only problem is that she doesn’t think about the consequences. ( correct me if I’m wrong) I don’t think any child does.
    I spend a lot of time with Kaitlyn and she is extremely smart, she just makes a lot of mistakes. Are your kids like this too?

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  36. Also, what is your process for spanking your children and (somewhere in your blog you mention pulling their pants down) do you spank over their underwear or spank on the bare bottom?

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  37. I hope you don’t mind me asking you these questions. Like i said, in my childhood I was spanked severely and it wasn’t long at all before I became fearful of my father. Ever since having a baby, I have been trying to figure out how to discipline her in an appropriate, effective way.
    Her behaviors kicked in when my husband left. Believe me, She’s not usually like this at all. I think it might have something to do with her dad leaving and she’s not used to him being gone, so… I’m not sure what to do.

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    • You’re in a tough situation. I hope you have a good church family. If you don’t, find one. You need a close by spiritual family to help you through these times. I’ve given you about all the advice I have on the subject. a good church home will be your best help. God bless

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  38. Hey, I know you may not have to be dealing with this yet, but when the time comes, would you ever spank your kids for failing grades? The reason I ask is because my daughter just went into the fourth grade and is failing two subjects. She never does homework or studies for a test that’s how I know she is lying when she says she is doing her best. I have tried grounding her, making her go to bed early, and taking away privelages but nothing is getting through to her. In this scenario, if you were ever faced with the situation, what would you do?

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    • Hi Brad. I don’t know if I’d spank for failing grades, per se. I think you should contact her teacher and see what he/she has to say about what’s going on. It could be that she lacks confidence in those subjects and has given up. Perhaps see if you can get all the home work assignments from the teacher and then sit down with her.

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    • I would spank for not doing homework. It is directly disobedience of me and her teacher. I don’t spank if they do everything they should but just don’t get it.

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  39. Hey it’s Ashley. I just wanted to say thank you for giving me courage through this tough time.Fortunately, while I was making Lunch yesterday,my husband walked through the door.wwsw I froze in complete shock He said he was sorry, that he never should have left. I immediately ran up and started hugging him and crying. He said he realized how much he needed his family.He asked me if he could see Allyssa (our daughter). I told him she was sleeping but then…the baby monitor went off. I went upstairs and got her. She was SO happy to see him. And get this, those behavior problems I told you about, they’re all gone. Allyssa just wanted her dad. (not excusing her behavior) but I understand her mindset and to be honest, I wanted him too. Our family reunited within a matter of minutes!

    But wait…that’s not all!

    This morning we took Allyssa to daycare and Matt said he wanted to go do something together.
    Unfortunately, I had a doctor’s appointment but he insisted that he come with me. We got to the doctor and we both left there in tears. I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant!

    It really is a God thing how he came back the day before I found out I was pregnant.
    I can’t imagine the hert-ache and the devastation if I went to my appointment and found out I was pregnant without having a husband there to share my excitement with.

    I really thought our marriage was over. Turns out, it was just a bump in the road.

    Thanks for all your help!

    Liked by 2 people

  40. hey I was just searching the web today on child discipline and you were the first one to pop up. so as I started to read your article I found that you spanked for not eating vegetables. I understand why it’s so important to you that your kids eat their vegetables, however when you spank them for not eating their vegetables, wouldn’t that be the same as forcing her to eat her vegetables? I don’t disagree with the way you spank or for the reasons you spank because I do believe that every child needs discipline, but isn’t it kind of obvious that Katie would have taken eating her vegetables versus getting a spanking? I know you said she was too then and I don’t know how old she is now but what I can say is that some people believe that you should not reward what children should already be doing. so can you shed a little bit of light on the situation and explain to me how this works? I don’t have a problem with my kids eating but I do have behavior problems With them. and yes I have spanked them. but my question for you is how does your spanking process work?

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    • Hi Skyler. Thanks for stopping by. My point is that ultimately you can’t force anyone to do anything. Even if you put a gun to my head, you can’t truly force me to eat my veggies. I could choose to die, instead. Katee could have chose a spanking instead (indeed, my other daughter chose a spanking over going to school once, which I was not expecting; I had to rescind my threat because I wasn’t going to let her skip school!) Of course, it’s very unlikely that a small child would choose a spanking over veggies, but it’s still not forcing. She is making a conscious decision to pick up the fork herself, enduring the terrible taste, so that she doesn’t have to face a spanking. She’s teaching herself some valuable things in the process: “wow, I can do this. wow, this isn’t as bad as I thought.” And I do think rewarding is ok. I don’t do it all the time. Usually, now that the kids are older, I reward them as a surprise. I’ll tell my daughter to help with this or that, and then sometimes I’ll call her aside and say, “thank you, sweetie, you did a great job. I want to give you something.” I think there is flexibility in all of this.

      As far as the spanking process, the general idea is that you want your children to understand that some things are not ok. Things that are not ok hurt. They hurt others, they hurt yourself in the long run. Children are concrete thinkers and spanking is a concrete way for them to understand this concept.

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  41. Okay and you are right but a few more question for you and then afterwards, i will share with you my thoughts.

    Starting with the questions…

    1. Do you spank on the bare bottom?

    2. Do you allow your child to have a minute to him/herself before giving them a spanking?

    3. If your child know that whatever he/she did will be punishable with a spanking and as you’re talking with them about it, you can see the remorse kn their eyes, do you/would you extend them grace in that situation and not spank them?

    4. Do you stop spanking your child as soon as yiu know the tears are real?

    And lastly,

    How many swats fo you give?

    I am just curious. I will share my personal beliefs with you as well.

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  42. Like i said we all have different opinions and i respect yours but just remember your child could have a long term affect if they become frightened of getting spankings.
    Also remember that if you spank them, all they think about is how much it hurts and not about why they were spanked. That’s why I always ask my kids after spanking them and after they calm down “why did you get a spanking” and if they cant answer that, then i give them time to themselves to think about it

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    • When you are violent eith your kids they learn to be violent. Spanking is the easy way out and it doesn’t work in the long term. Kids just learn to hide things from you so you won”t hurt them.

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  43. Actually spankings do work. But you have to know your child as well as yourself. If you spank the right way, then they will know that if they misbehave, they will be punished.
    Try it. I promise you, your kids will respect you and your authority. My kids learned real quick that if they do wrong then they had better be expecting the consequences.

    And by the way, i can’t speank for you, but spanking a child is definately NOT EASY.
    Your kids may be hurt physically, but it hurts you too. But, you need to show love to your child and hold them after the spanking is over.

    And if they become violent after being spanked, explain to them the difference between hitting and punishment

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    • Disagree. I raised my daughter without spanking and she was valedictorian of high school and graduated from college Summa Cum Laude. Never been in trouble a day in her life. Why does punishment have to be spanking? There are many other ways to teach right from wrong. Bosses don’t hit employees, soldiers aren’t hit so why is it ok for parents to hit their kids? It’s not. You can try to make yourself feel better by saying it is. Didn’t you say you were beat by your parents? Learn from their mistakes and stop hurting your kids.

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      • Yes, my parents did beat me, but I don’t beat my children. Yes, spankings do hurt but, if you spank the right way, they will learn.

        I of course learned from the vivid beatings i still remember today because it was a harsh, harsh punishment.
        But here’s the thing, I was hit with belts, switches, razor straps, etc.
        With my kids, I talk to them before the spanking and make sure they know why they are being punished.
        They bend over my Knee, and they get 2 swats with a wooden spoon. They learn from the sting and they remember the next time they think about repeating that behavior.

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  44. Also, my kids learn that if they make a mistake, be honest. I don’t spank them everytime,but if they lie, they definately get spanked. They learn to always be honest even when it’s hard.

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  45. I respect your opinion. and, yeah you are correct. Not all kids validate spanking. you have to know what consequences do and don’t work.
    My daughter iis an angel, very, very rarely will she get spanked.
    My two year old has received several spankings for different reasons but he learns his lesson.

    Hal, do you have anything to say on this?

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  46. hal, I have been talking to Lori about the importance of disciplining a child and she is disagreeing. I’ll be honest, she has quite the refutation, but I really don’t feel like she is catching on. Can you explain to her your thoughts?
    I’ve give her about all I have.

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    • Lori has no authority to speak on this subject. She has one child—a daughter. My one daughter doesn’t really need spankings either. She also excels in all that she does. Children are different. One child’s response is not indicative of every child. Stick with the Word.

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  47. I did for sure. Hey, can you explain your spanking procedure (how you do it) because my way has not been working lately.
    I know the swats are hurting them, but they’re not getting the message.

    Can you tell me how you go about it, from reading your blog, it seems that your method is pretty effective.

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  48. I have as much authority to speak on this as you do Hal. Is it because I’m a women and you as a man know more than me? You said your wife wasn’t spanked and you married her so she must have turned out ok. Maybe you hsd to straighten her out by popping her with the spoon a time or two? I am a lot older and have a lot more life experience. I was a single parent and managed to raise a great kid. Kids can learn right from wrong without being physically hurt. How about you tell your baby, you will sit and look at the
    Wall until you pick up your toys or if you don’t pick them up I will take one everytime you don’t do what I ask? Instead of I will pull down your pants and hit you so it hurts?

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    • Lori, I don’t speak from my own authority. I don’t hide the fact that everything in this blog is drawn from the Bible. The fact that you think that I would ever hit my wife helps me to understand your thought processes here. Your thoughts of who and what I am and what is reality is a large chasm. If you can’t see the difference between spanking your kids and hitting your wife, I’m sorry. Millions of people spank their kids. Spanking your kids is not against the law. People have always spanked their kids and understood what was too much. Unfortunately, in our day, many people cross the line; and because of that, many people run to the ditch that you are in. This blog is about getting out of both ditches. Society is out of control with disrespectful, undisciplined young people. And one of the reasons is because people can’t understand the difference between proper spanking and abuse.

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      • I totally agree with you here. My parents especially my father went too far. But to me, yeah that might be abuse, but it’s not a horrible thing because I know that as a parent that a child’s bottom should only be reddened, you only need to spank hard enough for it to sting.
        I strongly believe in bare bottom spankings because
        A. It hurts more therefore you don’t have to spank as hard
        B. Your child feels the sting and they know that the misbehavior was wrong
        and
        C. Spanking a child’s bare bottom over the knee, will help you to see what the physical reaction is and know when to stop. (it usually only takes 2 swats for me)

        Lori,
        I love my kids, Hal loves his kids, we are both loving parents who only wants the best for their child and so spanking them will be a life long benefit.
        I’m sorry if you can’t understand that but ideally,a child learns his/her lesson quicker/better with pain.

        Now please, stop accusing us of abusing our families.
        You know neither one of us, therefore you are being prejudice and you are using your word and your opinions in a hurtful and nasty way.

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      • We are never going to agree. All I am trying to say is that spanking isn’t the only form of discipline. As we grow as a society it will become obsolete. Spanking is illegal in Sweden by the way and they have one of the lowest crime rates anywhere.

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      • Spanking is legal in Singapore, and even adult males are spanked (by the government)! Its crime rate is much lower than Sweden’s. I do agree that it’s not the only form of discipline and I do agree that many people are abusive. I hope my blog keeps people in the middle of the road.

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  49. Lori, you are becoming a bit too harsh. It’s okay to have different opinions, but do it respectfully.
    Hal, has never spanked his wife. “My wife was only spanked one time in her childhood (by her parents, not me!)
    Saying that you would spank him if he doesn’t do what YOU want, that is down right disrespectful.

    I understand that you raised a great kid and that is wonderful, i give you props for that. However, you really need to keep yourself in check and STOP harassing Hal just because you don’t agree with him.

    And by the way, if you don’t agree with him, why read his blog and be a nasty bully towards him?
    Nobody forced you to read his Blog.
    If you don’t agree then so be it, but you have absolutely NO right to accuse Hal of abusing his kids

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    • I never accused Hal of abusing his kids or his wife. I said I didn’t think he abuses his kids but I don’t agree with spanking. I also never said I would spank him. I think you need to read what I said. I also think if you post a blog then you can expect to have people disagree with it. As far as respect goes – you earn it. You might command fear but not respect. You need to grow up. Just because I disagree does not make me a bully. Hal is perfectly capable of defending his opinions.

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      • Lori, you for real need to chill! Okay, yes, I misread, I’m sorry. But here’s the thing whether you realize it or not you were a bit disrespectful. And the bible says that you should respect others as well as yourself.
        You might have a different opinion, but please don’t say that I need to grow up, when I accidentally misread. You need to just relax. we all make mistakes and I apologize, but there are 2 faults here. I am sorry you and I cannot respectfully agree.

        And BTW… Calling Hal a bully is disrespectful! And I know you said it!

        Liked by 1 person

  50. lori, we know there are other forms of discipline but for some people this is what they choose. And this is not Sweden, maybe we have a high crime rate but listen, that shows you that people are psychotic and weren’t disciplined properly. No child is the same.
    But you are implying that we are crazy for spanking our kids and that is the exact opposite no one is crazy for wanting what’s best for their child.
    But the crazy ones are those who disregard discipline and allow their child to act a fool or imply their child as being perfect (people who say that are liars because the only perfect one that ever lived is Jesus.
    But thank you for turning your tone around and being respectful.
    RESPECT GOES A LONG WAY!!!!!

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    • I was not implying that you were crazy. I was stating there are other forms of discipline besides spanking. I don’t think that just because I think spanking is wrong doesn’t mean I’m disrepectful. Respect is earned. Maybe respecting someone older with more life experience is something to think about. I know people that had abusive childhoods and abused their own kids. You should really think about that. There is mo reason you have to redden a childs behind. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. I don’t think what Hal does is abuse. I just think there are other ways. He is in control but I don’t think a lot of parents are. Some of the other comments from other parents might reveal that.

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  51. Like I said, I had an abusive childhood, BUT I DO NOT abuse my kids and neither does Hal.
    If you want to know how not to spank a child, check out this video.

    And by the way, respect is not earned

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  52. Hey Hal, I found this video for Lori.
    Unfortunately, I showed this video because this is how you DON’t spank a child. This guy believes in isciplining newborn’s.
    If you don’t mind, can you look it over and let me know what you got from it and if you would recommend spanking kids in this form.

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  53. And, Lori spankings DO work in the long run. When my daughter was in 2nd grade, she misbehaved in school for a whole week and refused to do any work. Day 4, I told her she would start getting some serious consequences if she did not straighten up. Well, Day 5, came home with a note, I said to her “i hope you know what is going to happen and why” We got home I carried her to her room (stopping at the kitchen to get a wooden spoon) I pulled her pants and underwear down and I gave her 4 swats with the spoon. She kicked and screamed and begged, but the key is to follow through. I laid my hand on her back and lightly pressed down to keep her from trying to run away and continued spanking her. Of course afterwards, I held her and kissed her but I told her she has got to straighten up. She is in 4th grade and since that spanking for misbehaving in school she got, not one time have i received a negative note from her teachers. I stuck to my guns and she learned a quick and lifelong lesson.

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  54. Hal, my youngest daughter has been out of control lately. She hits, screams, talks back, etc. I am afraid to spank her because I don’t want her to feel abused. Pkus, wouldn’t it be hypocritical to spank her for hitting because hitting and spanking is the same thing?

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    • Hi Kelsey, it’s not hypocritical at all to spank your kids for hitting. The police take people against their will and lock them in small rooms; what’s the difference between that and kidnapping? Are they hypocrites? Of course not. They have authority from the government to lock people away because they broke the law. In a similar way, you have God-given authority, as the parent of your child, to exercise proper discipline on your child when she does what is wrong.

      Would it be ok for your child to put other children in time out? If not, wouldn’t it be hypocritical for you to put her in time out? You can see that this line of reasoning fails.

      No, proper spanking is not the same as hitting. I spank my children for hitting a whole lot quicker than anything else because we have zero tolerance for hitting in our household. And guess what? Our kids pretty much never hit and are never violent.

      As far as abuse, don’t abuse her. Proper spankings (like I talk about in this blog) is not abuse.

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  55. Okay, but see here’s thr thing she ver rarely gets spankinhs because my husband was abused and does not believe in spanking.

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  56. Hey, kelsey is my wife and she wanted me to read this blog. I was abused with wooden objects. Whats wrong with spanking open hand

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    • Hi Spencer (great name, btw! my son’s name is Spencer), I like using a wooden spoon because it stings without having to hit very hard. Have your wife wack you with her hand and then with a wooden spoon. You’ll feel the difference. I also like the idea that the wooden spoon is the bad guy, not daddy’s hand. I often say, “do I need to get the wooden spoon?” My hand is always reserved for loving and hugs and high-fives.

      Now, I don’t stick to that rule 100%. I have spanked with my hand once or twice when I couldn’t find a wooden spoon. But I prefer a wooden spoon.

      As far as abuse, there are many people who abuse with the hands. People abuse with all kinds of things. Someone could abuse with a banana for that matter. The definition of abuse is to use something wrongly. That can be a hand, a spoon, a belt, or whatever. So when you spank, with whatever you choose to use, make sure you do it properly–in love. Don’t go overboard. Don’t do it in anger. One or two swats on the rear-end is not abuse. Hope that helps.

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  57. Hal, Pastor Goodin has suggested that parents should go through the spanking process and then not spank them. He calls this extending them grace. Also many people believe that proper spanking does not have to be on the bare bottom. What are your thoughts?

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    • I don’t know who Pastor Godwin is, but the Bible says that whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly (Pro 13:24). Certainly I give grace, but as soon as I say I’m going to spank them, I do it. I want my words to mean something.

      And I don’t think bare bottom is absolutely necessary. Go with what works

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  58. Hi Hal,
    My name is Brittney and reading this blog has given me some advice on how to discipline properly, however within some areas, I am struggling. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant and counting. My husband (Austin) and I have been so excited to have another baby. Unfortunately there are some safety concerns that need to be taken care of before I am due. My 9 year old daughter (Amelia) has basically lost self control (which is not like her at all). She has become violent, she has gone after my stomach many times and there have been several occasions where I have literally had to hold her away from by her hands while she is kicking and screaming. My husband is in the military and doesn’t get to come home until 11;30 pm at the very least. By then I have given up and Amelia is in her room throwing tantrums and I am laying in bed in tears. Pregnancy has always been an emotional experience for me but it seems like this time around is a little more difficult. I have absolutely no idea why her behaviors have escalated so negatively.
    I think it might have something to do with her not being used to me being able to play with her. (She’s a mommy’s girl) The reason for this is, my doctor has reason to believe that the baby may be delivered early so I will be going on maternity leave in 9 1/2 weeks. I am a little afraid to discipline her but at the same time, her behaviors have got to stop. Can you please help us out. Thanks for the amazing articles that you write. We read them quite often. You are greatly appreciated, thank you!

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    • Hi Brittany, it sounds like Amelia has learned that she can take advantage of you. My kids try to pull that with my wife sometimes. Kids are strong and my wife is small. If we have an episode, my wife tells them that they can either let her give them a spanking or they can wait until daddy gets home. Usually they will choose a spankings from my wife and shape up. I would recommend you do the same. If she doesn’t let you, have your husband give her the spanking when she gets up in the morning. If she learns that you and your husband will follow through, she’ll shape up really quick.

      I would recommend you guys sit down with her ahead of time and explain all of this first. Reassure your love for her, but also explain that that kind of behavior is totally inexcusable.

      She may not be happy that a new child is coming along. It’s understandable that she may have feelings about it. But it’s not ok for those feelings to turn violent. Let her know that.

      Hope that helps

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  59. And I agree with you but here’s the thing, like I said my husband is commander and chief in the military. We think he may be getting 3 days off when I give birth to our new baby. Therefore, I will have to take care of the baby and watch her at the same time. I know that she isn’t in her normal mindset, all she wants is my attention. Is it really worth the fight?
    She also intentionally acts out in public because she knows that daddy is not there and mommy can’t/won’t discipline her in public. Like when I say “no, you can’t have a candy bar” or “no, you can’t have that barbie doll”, she immediately plops herself down on the floor and refuses to straighten up. I have had to call my husband to come and get us because picking her up and carrying her throwing her tantrums the way she does, is a risk for the baby.
    Also, you recommended letting my husband give her spanking in the morning. well, what if she begins fighting again.
    Ultimately, here are my questions…
    1. How do you deal with misbehavior in public?
    2. When your child is going to get a spanking and he/she is non-cooperative, how do you deal with that?

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    • The best way, in my opinion, is for your husband to help you really lay down the law. If she understands that misbehavoir will be met by a spanking from her daddy, she’ll shape up really quick. Be consistent, and you guys should only have to spank her a few times

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  60. Hi Hal, this is an amazing post. Even though this post is old, I refer to it quite often!
    I just have a few questions.
    First, how important is privacy when giving a spanking? (do you spank them in the same room as others?) Secondly, what position do you put the child in? (over the knee, lay them down, standing up,etc).
    And lastly,what is your process after the spanking is over?

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    • Hi Liam, I usually go to another room, especially for the older kids. No reason to embarrass them. I think embarrassment is a cruel form of punishmemt for kids. I was embarrassed once by a teacher and it hurt me deep. 2 I usually put them over my knee. 3 I don’t really have a process. I just make it my purpose to show them and tell them I love them all the time.

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  61. Hal, In your personal opinion/experience, how would you deal with misbehavior in public? I have to deal with misbehaviors at church and in stores. I spank my daughter but she has it in her head that I wouldn’t spank her in public so she can do whatever she wants.

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    • Hi Jose, I don’t like to spank in public. It’s not that I think it’s wrong, I just think spanking has become so taboo that it causes too much of a scene. I haven’t had many episodes in public with my kids, but if it came down to it I would carry them into the car for a spanking. For my older kids, I would let them know that if they didn’t shape up quick that they’d get a spanking when we got home. And then I’d be sure to follow through. It’s tempting to let them slide when you get home (because things have calmed down) but be a man of your word and do what you said you would do. When your kids know that you do what you say you’ll do, they learn to respect what you say. God bless.

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      • When you say that, don’t your kids start crying and begging not to be spanked and then `the rest of the time that you’re in the store they’re angels just to try to get out of it. My daughter has done that several times. After I say”okay, that’s it, you’re getting a spanking when we get home” she will cry and beg, then she’ll be an angel the rest of the time so I won’t spank her.

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      • Yeah, my kids have done that. All kids do that. I give my kids a warning or two, but if I feel like they have crossed the line then I’ll be sure to follow through. I hate doing it, but I do it. I’ve only had to do it a couple times. Now if I warn them, they know that I’m serious.

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  62. Well, my daughter acted out again tonight and I followed through with what you said. At first she said “okay, mommy, if you’re serious about spanking me, then do it”. I wish you could have heard her.you could automatically tell that she was being sarcastic, she didn’t think she’d be getting a spanking. I told her “fine then, come here. She walked closer to me just enough to see the spoon in my hand. Then suddenly, her facial expressions transitioned from “yeah right” to “uh oh”. She started crying and running. I chased after a little bit and then I told her that she can either take the spanking now from me, or I will text daddy and he will give you a spanking. She paused for a minute to think about it then she was like “oh no please” because she knew daddy’s spankings hurt worse than mommy’s I told her the choice was her’s , she wouldn’t budge, so I texted Austin. He is getting off work now so, she’ll really be crying when he gets home!
    But right after I did that and he responded telling me to tell her she was getting his spankings, she started begging me to spank her instead. Should I, or is she too late to take the spanking from me?

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  63. Hey what’s up Hal, I’m a first time mom and I read this blog mainly because my daughter just turned 2 and we’re having to start disciplining her. It’s not that she is totally defiant or anything major she just craves attention and she does not like going to daycare. Her daycare teachers have reported some defiance, but they say that she usually pulls herself together. On several occasions when I have gone to pick her up, she was in the timeout square.I usually don’t get there to pick her up until 6:30 because me and my husband both work 12 hour shifts 4 times a week. I know what the problem is we just can’t agree on what to do about it because we are financially supporting each other and a toddler on top of that. Her main behavioral problems that we deal with are tantrums. We usually put her down to bed after 10 minutes of trying to get her to calm down which makes matters worse. After about 5-10 minutes I will go lay down with her for a bit but she always wants me to sleep with her. We have our hands tied and don’t know what to do. Do you think it’s okay to spank her for her tantrums and defiance at daycare? We are open to any advice, thank you!

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    • Consider quitting your job. Can you downsize and get by on one income? She’s at daycare an awful long time. Daycare is expensive. Maybe you can do the math and make it work. Or if you can’t stay home, maybe a job that enables you to spend more time with her.

      As far as discipline, I wouldn’t discipline her for her actions at daycare. She’s not old enough to make the connection, in my opinion. I wouldn’t put up with the tantrums, though. She’s old enough to understand you. Try using the methods I set forth in this blog. As far as bed time, what I did for my kids was after spending time with them reading, etc, I told them it was time to go to sleep. If they cried, I just ignored them. If they got out of bed, I would put them back and say, ‘if you get out of bed again, you’re getting a spanking.’ Then I would. I only had to do it a few times. You’ll have times where she’ll scream for what feels like forever. She’ll go to sleep eventually. Give her a cup of water and let her scream. Once she learns that it doesn’t work the crying time will be less and less. I did this with all of my kids.

      Don’t feel guilty if you are stuck in the work situation you are in. Make the best of it. But if you can change it, it would ideal. Just my thoughts. Hope that helps.

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  64. Okay, thanks for the great feedback! BTW, my cousin has an autistic daughter who will be 5 in October, she wanted to know if spanking her would be an appropriate form of discipline because she is a single parent (got pregnant when she was 15) the father turned out to be a complete jerk and left them both at the hospital with no money, and no car. After finding out she was pregnant, she ran away from home because she was worried sick to death of her father’s reaction (he was abusive). She moved in with the father and as soon as she went into labor, he took her to the hospital said “this is all I can do but good luck though” and left. She called me crying and in pain and asked me to come to the hospital, of course I did. Ever since then, I have basically helped raise Peyton (her daughter).
    However, Peyton does have behavioral issues but we’re not sure if she would be able to connect the spanking with the action. What would you say/do.

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    • That’s such a tough situation. Thanks for helping her. I don’t have any experience autism, so I can’t really speak to this situation. The only thing I can suggest is that she seek professional help. Sorry that I can’t help any further.

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  65. Oh no, that’s okay. I mean, she made a mistake but I don’t want that to haunt her the rest of her life.

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  66. Hey, this is Megan’s cousin.
    I know she pretty much told you my story but I thank you for your help. Being 20 years old and raising an autistic child without a father is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
    Megan told you that I ran away from home and that’s true but right now there is a part of me who wants to go home and be with my parents and let them know that they have a granddaughter, but like Megan said, my dad was abusive and I am scared to death to tell him. Do you think that I should tell my parents?

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    • Hi Trina, being reconciled with your parents would be the ideal situation. However, if your father is abusive then you can’t subject yourself and your daughter to that. I can’t really speak to your situation since I don’t really know you or your family, but I would encourage you to find a good church and get plugged in. Ask for an appointment with the pastor and his wife. They should be more than happy to help.

      I’m praying that God gives you the grace you need!

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      • Thank you so much!!! I will hel her out, my church is amazing and our pastor and his wife and super incerdible people. Thanks again

        Liked by 1 person

  67. To be completely honest with you, I don’t know if I would or not. I’m not sure how Hal feels about it but, you had a hard childhood, who can even imagine his reaction!!!!!!!

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  68. My 3 year old son is driving me insane. His daycare claims that he is the most well-behaved kid in the group. But at home, it is quite the opposite. According to his pediatrician this is normal, and I tend to agree. Better this than the other way around.The problem I’m having though is the level of open disobedience he has. I have no problem spanking him. But it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Timeouts are a joke and spanking is almost as useless. I could spank him once everyday of the week and he still won’t respect my authority. Bed time is the worst. With enough warning of the encroaching bed time, he won’t fight the starting of the process, which is great. We have a routine and we stick to it every night. When he’s finally in bed and I’m ready to leave the room, the problem happens when I leave the room. I tell him every night – when I shut this door I don’t want any yelling or banging or screaming. If I have to cone back in here it will be to spank you.Inevitably he rebels right away so I go in and spank him and leave. 5 minutes later he yells and bangs on his bed so I go in and spank him again. This is usually the end of it for the night. But this is a nightly occurrence. Frankly, the spanking is not working. I spank him every night for the same reason. I’m about to call it quits and just sound-proof his room so I don’t hear him openly defying my rule. Obviously I know that’s not the answer, but I’m seriously at my wits end here.Ideas?

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    • What are you using to spank him? It needs to really sting or it’s not gonna work. Try a wooden spoon if you haven’t already. As far as bed time, I’d recommend just putting him in bed and letting him scream. That’s what I did with all my kids. I would give my kids a cup of water and tell them not to get out of bed. If they did, I’d put them back and say gently, ‘if you get out of bed again, I’m giving you a spanking.’ And I would. It wasn’t long until they gave up on it all and went to bed. You’ll have to endure screaming for a while, but it shouldn’t be for too many days.

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  69. I have used a wooden spoon a few times, my wife uses her hand. She has said that it’s too harsh to spank with anything other than a wooden spoon. He’s a mama’s boy so it has a greater effect when she gets on to him. She will spank him, but she doesn’t hit very hard. She thinks one little tear shed is enough and he’s learned his lesson. She often gives in to him and will let him get out of bed, come downstairs, and watch TV for a little while longer. She’ll hold him and once he falls asleep, she’ll take him back upstairs. She usually does this on a nightly basis and doesn’t get to go to bed herself until 3 o’clock in the morning!

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  70. ” She has said that it’s too harsh to spank with anything other than a wooden spoon”
    I meant open hand…sorry”

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    • My mom and dad stopped spanking me at some point in my childhood. It was a bad idea— I needed it! If it wasn’t for Jesus, I’d be in a world of trouble! Later my mom told me that spankings didn’t work on me and that’s why they stopped. But I keenly remember pretending to cry when my mom spanked me so she wouldn’t get my dad to do it. His spankings hurt, hers didn’t.

      In my humble opinion, your son is not going to shape up unless you give him some meaningful spankings. But you and your wife need to be on the same page. The Bible says to use a ‘rod’ for a reason. Hands are padded and blunt. You have to hit really hard to make it meaningful. A spoon, or small stick, however, stinks with a flick of the wrist. Much more effective and less harsh than the hand. Besides, with my kids, the wooden spoon is the bad guy. Daddy’s hand is for loving and hugs and high-fives.

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  71. I understand that but here’s the thing, it’s not that I don’t believe in God or discipline, it’s that even though the spankings that I give him, they hurt and I make sure of it. I don’t use my hand, I either use a switch or a spoon, or a flyswatter. I do it (depending on the severity of the situation) either over the underwear or on the bare bottom. My wife often comes in a snatches him up and loves o him =, then she tells me not to be so hard on him. I think she feels like I am abusing him

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    • She swoops in and snatches him up? You guys need to have a serious chat! Is she the only one that loves your son? Does she have the final say on what happens in your house? God has put you as head of household, but to me it sounds like she runs the show. I’m not saying that you should rule with an iron fist; but she completely undermines your authority as a parent by doing that. She makes you the bad guy and herself the good guy. She’s wrong. The Bible says that ‘he who spares the rod HATES his son.’ Why? Because the rod is the right and proper and effective way to discipline your children.

      I’d encourage you to look up these passages of scripture yourself. Sit down with your wife and talk about them. Ask her to read this blog. Pray together. God bless.

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  72. Hal this is Kelly, Jonathon’s wife, I was asked t have a discussion with him later in tonight about discipline. He pulled this page up on my phone and while reading it, a few things popped in my mind. First things things first, is spanking really necessary? Is spanking the bare bottom necessary? Why do children have to feel pain in order to learn?That’s why I protect my son. Does that mean I hate him? Absolutely not. It kills me to hear and see the pain is his eyes when being disciplined. Did I mention that he yells out “mommy, mommy, please help me” I feel guilty not going after him. I do some times spank him. But he is only three, why does he have to be paddled? When I spank him, he seems to get the picture. I get he needs to learn right from wrong but aren’t there other ways. Wouldn’t you agree that spanking a three year old isn’t all that necessary?

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    • Hi Kelly, your husband is apparently very frustrated with the behavior of your son. To use his own words: “My 3 year old son is driving me insane.” After hearing about your methods of discipline, I can tell why. I don’t doubt at all that you love your son. Of course you do. The scripture I referred to is making the point that parents who don’t discipline their children with the rod will ultimate hurt their future. I would encourage you to read over this blog post again. It gives some good reasons why I think this kind of discipline is so necessary. There’s another scripture that applies to your situation very specifically. “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare him for his crying.” – Proverbs 19:18. Another translation says this: “Discipline your son in his early years while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin his life.” Don’t feel guilty. Your husband is doing the right thing by spanking him. It’s for your child’s ultimate good. After the spanking, reassure your love for him.

      Your son apparently isn’t getting the picture when you spank him, or else your husband wouldn’t have written me. I think spanking a three year old is absolutely necessary. I want my child to stop when I yell for him to stop. I don’t want him running out into the road. Children aren’t old enough to understand reason, but they do understand a wooden spoon to their buttocks. It sends the clear message that doing what’s wrong hurts. It’s a good message to understand in the teenage years and in adult life.

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  73. Okay but here’s the thing,spanking on the the bare bottom or over the underwear, isn’t that too much? What do with your kids? I just don’t thinkbl this is necessary to go about.

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  74. The discussion between Johnathon and i went okay, but we have a few questions.
    1. Do you think we should both spank him?
    2. Would a paddle be fine to use?
    3. Should his actions at daycare be met by a spanking?

    Thanks for all your help!
    If you could answer these questions, that’d be great, thanks again!

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    • Glad you guys talked. It’s important for you to be in agreement.

      1. I do the spanking if we are both home but my wife does it if I’m not. But I don’t know if it matters.

      2. I’ve never used one, but lots of people have so I’m sure it’s fine. As long as it stings. Try it on your husband first 😀

      3. I don’t know. Only if you’re sure he can associate the spankings with what happened at daycare. You guys will have to determine that.

      God bless you guys. I pray that you guys get everything worked out.

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  75. What if you are home about to give them a spanking and they ask if your wife can spank them instead?
    My daughter does that sometimes, she wants me to spank her because mine don’t hurt s bad (or so they say). So, if that were the case, would you let your wife give them the spanking?

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    • I guess it depends. Depending on what they did and how their behavior has been in general, I might allow that. Especially with a daughter. Maybe you guys could say, ‘We will allow it this time, but if this continues it’s gonna be daddy giving the spanking.’

      I think it’s good to make concessions like that. It’ll help your child to realize that you are listening to her and that you aren’t unreasonable.

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  76. Well Jackson gave us quite the fight tonight. Kelly was very tempted to give up on it all and go in there but I held her telling her it would be okay that he would stop crying eventually. it got to the point where she did shed tears but she did wonderful in the end I am so proud of her. Glory to God! Thank you so much for helping us out. He finally stopped crying just a little while ago and me and Kelly are about to turn in. Thanks again you are amazing

    Liked by 1 person

  77. At what age would you reccomend stop spanking your kids? My oldest daughter is almost 10 and me and my husband were debating in whether or not we should stop spanking her.

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    • My oldest daughter is 8. I can’t remember the last time we spanked her. She’s a typical first child and pretty well behaved. I usually send her to her room if she acts up (which is rare). I don’t know if I’ll ever spank her again. Probably not.

      It might be a good time to stop spanking your 10 yr old. Especially a girl. Now, I think I’ll probably spank my sons up into their teen years if I have to. But I can’t see myself doing that with my daughters. I don’t think it will be necessary or good. But, of course, I’m not there yet.

      Why make a blanket decision? Try other forms of discipline. If that doesn’t work, you could always spank if you absolutely need to.

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    • I usually tell them they can come out when their attitude has changed and they are ready to apologize. Sometimes it doesn’t take long, sometimes it does. Sometimes I do a timer for a set amount of time. We usually do the amount of minutes that they are old. I like doing the attitude time better. It forces them to learn to calm themselves down. Sometimes I make them do extra cleaning. I guess it just depends.

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  78. Hal, my son has a major problem with lying. He does lie about pretty serious stuff, he for some reason fears to tell the truth. What should we do, is it okay to spank for lying?

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    • YES! I HATE when my kids lie to me. To me, that’s the worst.

      I don’t know how old your son is, but as long as he is old enough to know what lying is, I would say yes, for sure. If my kids do something wrong and then lie about it, I’m sure to let them know that the punishment is more because they lied (extra swats).

      With my kids, when they would lie (if I find out for sure that it was a lie), would sit them down and explain how lying is bad and that is why they are getting a spanking. I also would explain how much I hate lying. I love them, but I hate lying. I’d reassure my love afterward. Hope that helps

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  79. Ha! I told my wife..”fine, you can do it on me, then I do it on you” Wish you could have seen her reaction, hilarious!!!!!!!
    Now, would I actually spank her against her will?!? Of course not.

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  80. Hal, me and my wife Alexa are having some cooperation issues with our son. whenever he is going to get a spanking, he immediately starts to run and cry. he begs us not to spank him saying that he promises he’ll be good, and that he’s already learned his lesson and he does not need to be disciplined. we try not to let him get away with it, but sometimes we’re not sure if it’s really worth the fight. when we finally have gotten him over our knee or on his bed or wherever, he continuously squirms, kicks, and jumps trying the best way he can to get up. Me and my wife have both tried to tell him that he just needs to lay there and take his punishment and it will be over in a matter of seconds. I understand his feelings about being spanked, but he doesn’t understand that not cooperating only makes it worse. do you have any suggestions?

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    • Hi Daniel, I always give my kids warnings, but as soon as I say ‘That’s it, you’re getting a spanking,’ I make sure that I do it, no matter how much they beg or cry. Next time they’ll know you’re serious.

      As far as squirming, I tell them that they can cooperate or they are getting extra swats. I might say, ‘right now you’re getting 2 swats, but it’s about to go to 3 if you don’t hold still.’ If they still don’t comply, I go up another. And I do it. Next time they’ll know you’re serious. Of course you don’t want to go too many. After a few times of raising the number, I just hold them still and spank them.

      That’s what I do and it seems to work.

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  81. Okay, but the problem is he runs away from us (sometimes he will run outside) Every time we grab him, he kicks and screams. One time we were holding him and he screamed CPS. Kids are so over dramatic these days. We just get tired of the fighting and the screaming, we are soo close to giving up. We’re not sure what to do anymore. :/

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  82. Didn’t finish.
    We have had our fill and we are worn out. How are we to discipline him if we can’t get to him. This occurs every other day and goes on for hours.

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    • Let him call CPS. Spanking is not illegal. Give him the phone. Sounds to me like he’s not getting the spankings he needs. Get locks for the doors if you have to. It’s hard for me to speak to this exact situation. I pray you guys can work it out and get some peace.

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    • My daughter is 8 and I would spank her if I felt like I needed to. But my kids are used to spankings, so it wouldn’t be that big a deal. That’s the best advice I can give you. I think there are too many variables to be able to give you a straight answer. Pray for wisdom! (James 1:5)

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  83. Hi Hal, I am a student is currently children. I want to be a child’s nurse and a mother. Without even having to read this blog, I have already decided that without a doubt, I will spank my kids. Unfortunately, I have had a rough childhood. I was not spanked the right way at all. I was always spanked with an open hand. After the spanking was over, I was told to stop crying. Often I remember my parents (especially my mom) saying “if you don’t hush, I’ll give you something to cry about. I was always terrified of my dad’s spankings because he had a pretty hard hit. He was more sympathetic than my mom though. He woul hug me telling me that it was over. My mom was the exact opposite, she’d tell me that I needed to stop crying. To this day, my parents yell at me non-stop. My point in writing all this is to show you how spanking has affected my life. Because of theses things, I have grown an independent personality, I don’t feel comfortable working with others, I work alone, etc. It’s hard for me to honor my parents because of this.
    I read your blog on obeying your parents, but it’s very hard for me. Advice?

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    • Hi Amanda, I’m guessing you’re about 18 or so since you are in college—which makes you an adult. Obeying your parents is a command for children, not adults. If you don’t live with your parents, you have no moral obligation to obey them. You should honor them, love them, and consider their advice, but you are no longer under their authority. However, it sounds like you still live with your parents. That being the case, you’ll need to obey the rules of the house. Why are your parents screaming at you? Are you doing your share of the housework? Are you being polite and respectful towards them? Even if your parents are as mean as snakes, I can’t imagine they would yell at you constantly if you are doing the right thing. Go over and above to help at the house, to do nice things for them, and I bet the situation will change.

      As far as your childhood, I’m sorry to hear about what happened. Unfortunately, we can’t go back and change the past. The only course of action is to forgive your parents and move forward. You don’t have to tell them that you forgive them. Just forgive them. Then move forward the best you can to work on those areas that you struggle in. Most of humanity struggles with things that happened to us in childhood. Overcoming them will help make you a stronger person. They will also help you to better help those who struggle with similar things.

      God bless

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  84. “Hi Hal, I am a student is currently children” I meant I am currently studying children. Sorry about that

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  85. Thank you and to answer your questions… I don’t know why they scream at me the way they do. I do housework, (laundry, dishes, watching my sister’s son, setting the table, etc.). As far as being polite and respectful, a lot of times, it’s me who will start out trying to be respectful and my mom most assuredly will smart back with an attitude and yelling. Sometimes she answers my questions like I am stupid. I have asked to spend more time with them but it really feels like they don’t want that. They’re always pressuring me and cussing at me.

    As far as my childhood, there are 2 things that have happened to me that I will most definitely Never forget as long as I live.
    1. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, my dad spanked me with a stick (not a switch, a big stick!) As soon as he started hitting me, I immediately started going into self-protection mode. I tucked in and put my hand behind. (he didn’t notice but bad idea). He hit my hand very hard! I’ll never forget the stripe across my hand and laying in bed with my face in a pillow screaming and crying. He had told me prior to the spanking that I was going to get in big trouble when I got home, so I had it coming, I knew what was going to happen I didn’t expect the severity of the spanking. There is no telling what time I went to bed that night due to the pain and the crying.

    2. My dad using very nasty, hurtful, and sexually profanity names against me. I am not even going to say 1 word he called me, just know that I was in complete shock and my heart was shattered. I regret doing this because I know it wasn’t right but I did try to hold back the tears and I came back at him with names of my own. It had gotten to the point where I was backing up away from him and he kept walking towards me. I was getting close to a stairwell so I ran to my room. (Again, I regret this) I slammed the door in his face. I didn’t want him to see how hurt I was, I wanted him to see the anger that I had raging inside of me. Once again, I cried and cried and cried. To this day, he hasn’t apologized and neither have I.

    I really can’t live like this anymore, but what is there to do? Where to go? No where. I am almost positive that the relationship that I should’ve had with my parents, is permanently damaged and can never be fixed.

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  86. Hi Hal, I have a few questions on this article.
    1. “I don’t ever yell at my kids. Ever. But they seem to mind pretty good. Just today I was able to get my two year old to eat all her vegetables without lifting my voice at all. How, you ask? I spank my kids.”
    Don’t you ever have to raise your voice a little to get them to cooperate with you and your discipline methods?
    2.Is it typical to have to spank younger ones (2 -5 years) quite often or is that a sign that the spanking is not working?
    And lastly,
    3. When your child does something wrong and he/she is upset about it, do you allow them to go their room and take a minute before getting a spanking or do you go ahead and spank them and then let them go calm down?

    Great article BTW!!!!

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    • Hi Kaitlyn. 1. What I mean by yelling is when someone screams at their child in anger. I see this often when parents are frustrated with their disobedient child. I never do that.

      I do, however, raise my voice from time to time, but not every time. Often, I’ll calmly, but firmly say, “Do I need to get the wooden spoon?” Of course, if the kids are being too rowdy or too rough with the younger kids or doing something dangerous, I’ll raise my voice as loud as I need to.

      2. I think it’s a sign that it’s not working. I rarely spank my kids, and I have a 2 yo, a 4 yo, a 6 yo, and a 8 yo. I can’t remember the last time I spanked my 8 yo or my 6 yo (girls). My youngest gets spanked less than once a week. The other about once a month. And when I do spank them, it’s only one or two swats (maybe three). They key is that you have to make sure it hurts. If it’s not hurting, it’s not working. Try a wooden spoon or something.

      3. I’m a firm believer that you should be a person of your word. Don’t say spanking unless you mean it, and if you say it, do it. I give my kids warnings, but I soon as I commit to a spanking, I carry through.

      That being said, I don’t think you always have to spank. For my oldest daughter, in the rare instances that she gives me trouble, I send her to her room. That seems to work for her. I’d spank her if I really felt like I needed to, but I haven’t in a long time.

      As far as letting them go to their room to calm down before being spanked… I’ve never done that. I’ve always felt like it was important to do the spanking while the whole incident was fresh on their mind. Let them calm down and then get them all upset again when the spanking happens? Seems like a bad idea to me, but I’ve never tried it so I don’t know.

      Hope that helps.

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  87. Wow! Over 200 comments?!? Spanking must be a topic that everyone is dealing with nowadays. I couldn’t agree more with everything you said in the post. Nice job!

    Liked by 1 person

  88. I realize this is from forever ago, but it’s a message I desperately needed today. My four year old got the very first spanking of her life today. She got her age across her bottom with a ruler because she would not come inside when I told her too, repeatedly. Her obedience had been terrible for quite some time, and I finally admitted what I’ve known all along. God is right, not the doctors, and she needed her bottom spanked… desperately. That you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  89. I’m not sure if anyone is still responding or not, but I have a question for Hal.

    1. Hal I know you talked about how you deal with non-cooperation but what happens if you kids are being spanked and after you’ve already raised the number a few times, and they are still fighting and putting their hand behind? Do you swat their hands or hold their hands behind their back?

    2. When a child lies to you, and he/she won’t admit that they lied, how to do you handle that? For some kids, knowing they are getting extra swats and may cause fear and they won’t want to admit they lied because they don’t want extra spankings.

    3. Is it typical for the child that is getting the spanking to run to your wife and try to get her to save them?

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    • 1. I swatted their hands before. I also have held them back. I guess it just depends on how strong they are. I don’t raise the number of swats more than 2. The idea is that they’ll learn for next time that you’re serious about raising the number.

      2. If I know they lied (whether they admit it or not) then they get extra spankings and a speech on how much I hate lying! If I’m not sure if they lied or not, then I try to be really careful. I really don’t want to accuse them of lying if I don’t know for sure. I err on the side of caution with that one. But if I find out they were lying—oh, they are in trouble!

      3. Of course! That’s why the husband and wife need to be on the same page. “I love you, but you’re getting a spanking,” is a good response.

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  90. Hal, you’ve written a great blog. However my two year old, is growing up thinking that she is Queen, she completely disrespects both mine and my husband’s authority. she pretends to cry during the spanking just so she can get out of it, she’ll apologize and then do the same thing over again. We literally tried everything… spoons, hands, flyswatters, ping pong paddles, paddles, etc. Spankings are joke on her, and no matter how hard we try, she just doesn’t get it. As far as we’ve ever taken the spanking is over her underwear. Do you have any suggestions on what to do next, and do you think it’s okay to launch up to the bare bottom?

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    • Hi Christina. I always have done wooden spoon to bare buttocks. It has to be meaningful, or it won’t work (it has to hurt). No need to go overboard. One or two swats with a wooden spoon is all I usually do. When she feels the sting, she’ll shape up pretty quickly.

      You may have to spank her a few times like this, but once she gets the picture, you’ll rarely have to spank her.

      I’ve had several other similar questions asked on this blog. You may want to read through the comments.

      Hope that helps. God bless.

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  91. Hey Hal, great to read this blog, very informative information. I was interested on your thoughts on part of the following video
    which others have shared (minute marks 33-37). In particular the pastor’s approach to after the spanking is done. Thanks a lot.

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    • Hi Scott, I watched the few mins you suggested. I think it’s good. I don’t know if any exact method matters so much. I think it’s most important to show constant love, affection, and care all the time. I do think it’s important for the child to apologize.

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      • Hal, thanks for the input. I guess the part I questioned was leaving the crying child alone in the room right after the spanking without comfort and expecting them to come find the parent… I took it as a bit cold.

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      • Yeah, i could see that. it sounded like he was talking about older children. I definitely wouldn’t do that with younger children.

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      • Hal, any feelings about the child having to hold onto the potty to be spanked? You put your kids over your knee and spank or?

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      • Hal, curious how your Dad spanked you as a kid? Was it wooden spoon on a bared bottom as well or ?

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      • I think his hand, but i don’t remember for sure. They stopped spanking me mid-childhood. I don’t remember my dad spanking me that often. My mom probably did it the most. It didn’t hurt. She said spankings didn’t work on me (she didn’t spank me hard enough). I remember pretending to cry so she wouldn’t get my dad to do it.

        I was a pretty messed up kid. I think if they would have spanked me better it would have helped. My parents divorced and that didn’t help either. I was headed down a dark road, but thank God!—Jesus changed my life at 16 years old.

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  92. Hey Hal so, Me and my husband went to the store and bought the paddle we were going to use. I did try it on him 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
    When i asked him how it felt, he said it stung a little bit but hurt more than sting. Is this okay to use on Jackson (our son)

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  93. Hal, we are having problems with our 6 y.o son, he has picked up behaviors in his kindergarten class. He has been in trouble non-stop. I wrote the teacher asking her what has been going on. She says he refuses to cooperate with the class and distracts others. We have spanked him with a wooden spoon over his underwear but we don’t feel like he is really getting it. Now, of course, he cries before, during, and after the spanking but we don’t know if he is just wanting to be like others or what. We try to be at least a little lenient with negative behaviors and reward him when he does good in school. It’s worked a few times but honestly, not much. He was VERY close to being sent to the office the other day because he was disruptive and defiant in class and had already had 5 sticks in his pocket. (that’s their “discipline method”). Supposedly, when a student gets 5 sticks in one day, they’re supposed to be sent to the office. They go and talk to the principle, the principle calls one of the parents, and they have to stay in the office the rest of the day and depending on the severity of the incident, the parents may have to come get them when they get off work. Instead, the teacher pulled him out into the hallway and told him that if he got one more stick pulled, he was for sure going to the office. We don’t know if we should try something else as far as discipline or if we should spank him a little harder. We don’t know if you have experience with your kids misbehaving in school or not, but my husband and I have our hands tied and are open to any advice!

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    • Hi Angela, I always do wooden spoon to bare buttocks. It sounds like the spankings are not stinging him enough to get the message across. If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not going to work. Just because they scream and cry doesn’t mean that it hurts. Once, when my daughter was being spanked by my wife, she screamed bloody murder through the whole thing. Then, after it was over she said, “that didn’t really hurt.” Big mistake! When I was a kid, I remember crying through my mom’s spankings even though they didn’t hurt. I didn’t want her to get my dad!

      I did have a problem with one of my children at school for a bit. I let my son and his teacher know that she could call me if there was a problem. When she threatened to call me, he straightened up.

      Hope that helps. God bless

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  94. “Once, when my daughter was being spanked by my wife, she screamed bloody murder through the whole thing. Then, after it was over she said, “that didn’t really hurt.” Big mistake!” So I’m assuming that you then spanked her, but did you spank her for doing whatever she did to get spanked by your wife, and then spank her for saying it did’t hurt? Or, did you just spank her for whatever she did or for saying it didn’t hurt? My 3 year old daughter does that sometimes.

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    • No, I didn’t spank her afterward. I just told her that if that behavior happened again she could be sure that it would hurt next time. And since then my wife has attempted to be a little tougher. But it’s hard for my wife. She’s pretty small and kids are strong. She leaves the spankings to me if I’m around. And I think that’s a good idea. When she does have to spank she says, “hold still or it’s going to be daddy spanking you when he gets home.’ That seems to always do the trick. But we rarely spank our kids and all four are really good. If it hurts when you spank, you’ll have to spank a lot less often.

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      • Me and my husband can be pretty chill, but we are hard to love when it comes to discipline. My husband is man of the house and doesn’t play well with school misbehaviors. The whole calling mommy and daddy thing hasn’t really worked. Today after I get done with my work at home stuff, I’m going to have to go get Leo from the office. He was defiant all day. My husband doesn’t get home until 8:00 at night so should we spank him, and should I leave the spanking to him? The whole having to go get Leo from the school’s office has happened twice and one time, I almost had to go get him right away.

        So couple questions…
        1. Should I wait until my husband to get home to spank Leo?
        2. With your son, if the teacher called you, would you go up to the school and spank him? How do you go about that?

        And finally,
        3. What is a child refuses to cooperate and continues to argue about getting a spanking.
        (With my son and sometimes my daughter, they will argue on and on and on about getting spanked) If you lived in my house the most common words you’d ever hear from my son is “it’s not fair that I get a spanking when she did it first. Emma (my daughter) is usually pretty good about cooperating and not arguing. Leo, on the other hand, he’s a struggle.
        Emma’s my good one, I often tell my son “what’s not fair is Emma not being able to do much because you won’t listen to mommy and daddy”

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      • 1. If you need to. My wife tells our kids that they can stay still and let her give the spankings, or daddy is going to do it when he gets home. That usually works. If you are using a good size spoon than your spankings should hurt plenty enough.

        2. Yes, I’ve done it once with my daughter. Spanked her in the car. It was difficult. But that’s what I’d probably do if I had to do it again.

        3. I tell my kids that it is inappropriate for them to talk to their father/mother like that. I don’t let them talk back to me. If they want to vent their grievance in a polite manner, that’s fine. It doesn’t mean they won’t get spanked, but I will take the time to listen. If they go on about what’s ‘fair,’ I give them what’s fair: more chores. My kids don’t mention the word ‘fair’ too often anymore.

        My advice (take it with a grain of salt): Lay down the law! And enforce it! Love your kids, but be the bad mamajama you need to be so that boy knows who’s boss.

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  95. So when your wife tells your kids that and it doesn’t work what is your process when you get home? Does she call/text you or tell you when you get home? And do your kids ask for a second chance with her when you get there? If so, do you usually let them have a second chance with your wife?

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  96. Hal, if you are still responding, would you mind lending me some advice? My 4 year very rarely needs a spanking, however, anytime he does need one, he begins to hypervinalete. He starts screaming and crying, breathing heavy and shaking. It makes it hard to spank him. Any advice?

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    • Hi Matthew. It’s hard for me to say what I’d do in this situation. He’s probably fine and just over reacting. But it may be that he could respond well to other forms of disciple. Maybe try different things and go back to spanking if you need to.

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  97. Hal, I know you don’t know me but I have a personal story to tell you. Me and my wife Sydney found out we were pregnant back in January. In April, she had a miscarriage at 22 weeks.Ever since she has blamed herself for the the death of our baby.You may be wondering, “why is he talking about losing a baby on an article about spanking?” Well, we have a 5 year old daughter whose behavior has spun out of control lately. My wife has a hard time disciplining her because she still to this day blames herself for the death of our daughter back in April, she says disciplining her wouldn’t be fair to her or the baby that died. I have held and comforted her as much as possible but she has said multiple time “baby I appreciate you trying to make me feel better but you should be angry with me, I killed our child!!” She has carried this burden with her ever since the baby died.Our daughter’s behavior is excused by my wife because she says that she took the chance of Kaylee being a big sister.
    The death of our child has just about killed Sydney…literally.
    I don’t know what to do about Kaylee’s behaviors and I don’t know how to help Sydney move forward and stop blaming herself for the miscarriage. Would you recommend spanking kaylee and what should I do to help Sydney?

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    • Hi Chris. Man, so sorry to hear. My wife has also had miscarriages, two of them. We lost a baby at 19 months in June. My wife and I can identify with the pain.

      First of all, it’s very unlikely that this miscarriage was your wife’s fault. We live in a broken world, marred by sin, and bad things happen because of the fallen nature of the world. One day soon, God will fix it all and all those that love Him will live in the perfect world that He will create (see this post for a little about that: http://wp.me/p2n8t-2np). It’s hard now, but the truth is that your child is with Jesus, being raised in heaven. If you are faithful to follow the Lord, you will see your child again.

      But even if it is your wife’s fault, she is under obligation by God to forgive herself. The bible says that we must forgive even as we are forgiven–that includes ourselves. Help her to understand that her child is not dead. The child has changed locations. It’s the Lord’s job to take care of him/her; it’s you and your wife’s job to take care of the one that is with you.

      That being said, you should raise her in the light of the revelation of scripture. I talk briefly in this blog (and the other one about spanking) about how the Lord instructs us to raise our children. Those instructions don’t change because of a tragedy. You and your wife should get the bible out and look these verses up and talk together about them.

      It may also be that your wife would benefit from some counseling from a trusted pastor.

      I pray you guys can work this out and that your wife finds healing soon. God Bless you.

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  98. She is taking it pretty rough. It was a car accident, head on. The other driver ran a red light and smashed into my wife’s Mazda at 40 mph. Airbags were blown and my wife had a fractured neck. By the time I had gotten to the hospital, she had already been told and I could hear her scream down the hall. At that point, I already knew.

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  99. Yeah, me too. I can’t stop thinking about the time when she said she wishes she died and not the baby! 😥

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    • Hi Hal,
      My name is Brittney and reading this blog has given me some advice on how to discipline properly, however within some areas, I am struggling. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant and counting. My husband (Austin) and I have been so excited to have another baby. Unfortunately there are some safety concerns that need to be taken care of before I am due. My 9 year old daughter (Amelia) has basically lost self control (which is not like her at all). She has become violent, she has gone after my stomach many times and there have been several occasions where I have literally had to hold her away from by her hands while she is kicking and screaming. My husband is in the military and doesn’t get to come home until 11;30 pm at the very least. By then I have given up and Amelia is in her room throwing tantrums and I am laying in bed in tears. Pregnancy has always been an emotional experience for me but it seems like this time around is a little more difficult. I have absolutely no idea why her behaviors have escalated so negatively.
      I think it might have something to do with her not being used to me being able to play with her. (She’s a mommy’s girl) The reason for this is, my doctor has reason to believe that the baby may be delivered early so I will be going on maternity leave in 9 1/2 weeks. I am a little afraid to discipline her but at the same time, her behaviors have got to stop. Can you please help us out. Thanks for the amazing articles that you write. We read them quite often. You are greatly appreciated, thank you!

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      • I definitely think it’s important for your husband to step in here. Even if it’s the next day, she needs to understand that her behavior isn’t going to go unpunished. But definitely don’t let her hit you. I’d tell my wife to get a belt and respond with that. She needs to know who is boss.

        But that being said, she’s probably dealing with jealousy. Take time to chat with her. Try to spend extra time just with her if you can. Do something special. But be firm when you need to be.

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  100. Hal, I have read over this blog and have some questions…
    1. Why do you feel like it is important to spank, especially 2 year olds. Aren’t they too young to know right from wrong?
    2. I have read where you say you do over the knee bare bottom spankings and me and my husband are wondering…why on the bare bottom and is it important to make sure that the bottom is slightly red? (Another peer mentioned the importance of reddening the child’s rear end in her comment, just curious of your thoughts)
    And finally,
    3. I have read in several comments where you talk about sending Halle and katee to their room if they do wrong.
    Isn’t that the same as timeouts?
    Why do you feel like a 6 and 8 year old shouldn’t get spanked anymore?

    Great article, we agree but we are just curious of these things.

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    • Hi Rachel. 1. I think spanking is essential, especially for the young ones. It’s precisely the fact that they don’t know right from wrong that they need spankings. Things are ‘wrong’ by nature because they bring harm. Two year olds are not developed enough in their mind to understand harm completely. My two year old doesn’t understand when I try to explain to him why he can’t play near the road, or why he shouldn’t touch the stove, or why he shouldn’t climb the bookshelf, or why he shouldn’t hit his brother. But he does understand a whack to the behind. And it doesn’t have to be much, just a little whack for that age is enough. It begins the process of teaching them to be self-disciplined. Of course, you explain the best you can as they grow, but even teenagers can’t understand consequences completely (how many, for example, get in car accidents while texting even though they’ve been told a million times not to!)
      2. Spankings need to hurt or they don’t work. Hurt is a relative term. What hurts a two year old is different than an older child. No, it doesn’t have to be red! Just enough to sting. I only do one or two swats most of the time—maybe three. I don’t think there is an exact science here. Just what works for your child.
      3. I’ve spanked my older girls when they were younger and would still spank them if I needed to. However, both of them are really well behaved most of the time now. Neither of them have misbehaved in such a way that I felt like they needed to be spanked in a while. So I haven’t done it. The few times they have gotten too upset or worked up, I’ve sent them to their room. I’m against time-outs as a replacement for spankings. But I see no reason not to use them as supplement.

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  101. I know you are not to your children’s teenage years yet, but I was wondering if you agree with something my husband has done. After having a long conversation, we decided to get our 14 year old daughter a phone. Bad idea. After enforcing the rules, the excitement went way out of her head and she defied almost all of the rules we had set. She created a facebook page after we had told her not to. It’s not that we didn’t want her to have a social life, we were okay with hr getting instagram, snapchat, and all the other stuff. But the reason why we told her specifically not to set up a facebook account was because a about a year or so ago, in our town facebook was used to lure young teen girls into human trafficking and those girls were picked up by their “admirer” and taken to an abandoned garage where all of the girls were forced to serve as sex slaves. (I know, it’s horrible, i’m sorry for being straightforward but there’s really no other way to explain it.) About 3 months after we got her a phone, we had noticed that she had been messaging a 29 year old man. We told her the story of the girls who were kidnapped and raped. Her attitude and her disobedience worsened too. So here’s what it all boiled down to. My husband took her phone away and took a sledgehammer to it. I personally did not agree with the way he handled it. It was too late by the time I had known anything.
    When your kids are old enough to have a phone, would you discipline them by breaking it? If you don’t know, that’s fine but ultimately, do you agree with what my husband did?

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  102. Didn’t finish.
    Also, this is clearly direct disobedience so even at 14 years old, is this punishable by a spanking. What she did was super dangerous and if breaking the phone was not the right answer, I just want to be prepared and know what the appropriate form of discipline would be if we were to have to deal with this again.

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    • Hi Amy, I’m glad you guys are super vigilant! That could have been a bad situation. I think your husband made his point quite clear by breaking the phone. I’m not so sure about spanking girls when they are that old. I don’t think I would spank my girls at that age. I do, however, think I would spank my boys if need be. But that’s just me. I think breaking the phone is fine.

      Unfortunately, social media is very dangerous. Snapchat and instagram are just as dangerous (if not more so) than Facebook. When you daughter has a phone in the future, be sure to take advantage of all the parental controls you can.

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      • This is Amy’s daughter.
        I just don’t understand why they had to hit extremes and break it.

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      • Hi Kaylee. Your parents are watching out for you. They love you and want the best for you. Trust their judgment. They’ve been around for a lot longer than you. They want you to have a wonderful relationship with someone when the time is right. When you grow up and have a daughter, you’ll be just as upset if some 29 year old guy tries to talk to her when she’s 14.

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      • Hal great post and great advice. I will however say this. A girl even as a young teen craves discipline from her father. My father didn’t come around until my mid teen years. I went to live with him and there were a few times he used his belt on me. It worked. Did it hurt? Of course. Did I hate him for a little while after? Of course. But it worked and I realized that I didn’t need attention from other males. I wasn’t sexually active but you sure would have thought I was. As a woman and mother now who lacked discipline from a male figure I will say if it is warranted it is ok to spank your daughters as young teens. Of course not on their bare bottoms because they are maturing and that is humiliating and probably border line sexual assault.

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  103. This is kinda random, but when you spank your kids, do you tell them ahead of time how many swats they are getting? My cousin thinks it is important for them to know how many spanks they get. With my 5 year old, she could get anywhere from 2-5 swats depending on what she did. The worse case scenario is lying, which she does a lot! When she lies to us about something, she always gets her age.

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  104. HI Hal, me and my husband comes to you with a sticky situation. Our daughter just started kindergarten. She has had several issues with getting up in the morning, she has to wake up at 7:00 am. I take her to the YMCA on my way to work. (I’m a first and second shift labor and delivery nurse). My husband is the CEO of public relations. He gets off work at 5:30, I get off work at 6:00. We split the role of picking her up. She has constantly been in trouble at school and at the YMCA. I know she is tired in the morning and so I asked if she could go back to sleep for a while when she gets to the YMCA in the morning. The director said that was fine. The teacher has reported defiance and aggression in the classroom. At lunch, she throws things. She has done the same at the YMCA. By the time we get home, she is calm and doesn’t remember what she did. or so she says. We are wondering if you would recommend going up to the school during our break and spanking her.

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    • Yeah, I think that would be fine.

      However, I would admonish you to consider a change in lifestyle. Do you really need two incomes? If your husband is a CEO, do you need to work as much as you do? Your daughter will only be young once. And her behavior would probably improve drastically if you were around more (plus she could sleep more!).

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      • Well, technically no. However we’ve had so many expectant mothers delivering lately. We have had 4 code blues. (either the mom or baby or both stopped breathing FYI). I’m not an actual doctor, i am in prep so I am just in the roo with the other nurses and the doctor. So, I could cut a shift but if I work 1rst, I would have to get Rileigh up at 5 am to be at work at 7. If i work second shift the mornings would be great, but I wouldn’t get home until around midnight. Rileigh refuses to go to bed unless I am there. 3rd shift is automatically off the table because my body can not just shift like that and I can’t stay up late and work all night and then sleep during the day.
        You make great points but my hands are tied up! We kinda of do need the income too because my dad is in a nursing home, my mom died 3 years ago. We live in a two story home and we have to support a child and the family on top of that.

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  105. Hal, I saw your reply and to be honest, I understand that. But I do think they over-reacted because I can’t make them understand that I did not know he was 29 , otherwise I would have NEVER accepted his friend request.
    Another thing is how many times to I have to cry and say “I’m sorry” ?

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  106. Baby, you don’t accept friend request from anyone you don’t know. We have told you that. We also told you not to create a Facebook page and you did it anyway. I know you’re devastated because of what happened to your phone but you need to understand but there could have been consequences to your in defiance that were a lot worse than getting your phone broken. Hal is right we have been through in life where people are psychotic and I know it sucks not having a phone anymore, but use this time having to suffer through the pain to learn a life lesson. Your father and I love you and we do want what’s best for you. Maybe I don’t agree with your phone being broken but we can’t go back and change what happened. You however need to learn to obey your parents. the reason why we were harsh was because you intentionally defied us and that is not okay. Now, if you have any hope of getting another cell phone then you need to learn to start listening to us because we don’t set these rules to torture you. If that were the case you never would have had a phone in the first place. I know you’re upset and I know you are mad but let’s just put it this way you need to understand the consequences and if you get a phone again one day in the future you need to remember what happened to your last phone when you disobey. Now, you need to accept the fact that your phone is broken and you need to start respecting us because ever since it happened you have been defiant and disrespectful and that is not how you get another phone and I told you that. you’re going to have to earn back our trust I’m sorry to put it out to you this way but this is what happens when you don’t do what we tell you to do or you do what we don’t tell you to do.

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  107. Hal, I agree with everything you wrote in this blog but I have a question if you don’t mind. My daughter is almost 6, she is definitely accountable and responsible. She makes mistakes from time to time and when it is needed, we will give her a spanking with a wooden spoon. Spanking her has been effective and she learns very quickly how our discipline routine works. However. like I said before she is accountable and we have yet to have a problem with her not taking responsibility for her actions. Over the past few weeks there have been instances where she would come to me or my husband and tell us that she did something wrong. There have been two cases where she has done something that usually receives a spanking. For example, last night she came to me with tears welled in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said “mommy, I made a mistake”. She said that she went into her sister’s room without getting permission. She used her sister’s iPod and downloaded all kinds of games. We usually spank our kids when they go in each other’s room or use/take something of the others. I told her to go get the ipod and delete the games and while she did that, me and my husband were debating on whether or not she should be spanked. I voted “she came to us and told us what she did, so, we shouldn’t”. He said “we should most definitely praise her and appreciate her honesty but she should still be spanked because she broke two rules. Maybe instead of giving her the usual 4 swats, she should only get half of the usual number (2) because she came to us and was open and honest.” I kind of shrugged in partial agreement but was not 100% sure. By the time she came down stairs she had tears rolling down her cheeks and she came up to me, hugged me tightly, and said “mommy…am I going to get a spanking.” We didn’t have a straight answer for her. We did not know what to do. If she were to do it again or another behavior that usually gets a spanking, should she get a spanking even if she comes up and says “i did this”.

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    • Usually, for things like this I would say something like this: “Thank you for being upfront in honest with me. Usually, I would have to give you a spanking for this but because you were honest and came forth about it, I’m gonna let you off the hook. However, if it happens again, you will get a spanking, whether you tell me about it or not.”

      But there are different variables at play here. I guess you need to examine such occurrences on a case to case basis. Giving a lesser punishment would also be appropriate. You definitely want your kids to be upfront and honest about their wrong-doings, but you also don’t want to give them the impression that they can weasel out of a punishment if they give a good sob story.

      Hope that helps. God bless

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  108. Hi this is Amber’s husband. I agree with what you said, but here’s the thing, when Makenna came to us confessing that she broke not one but TWO rules, she should have been spanked for it. With me, when they do something wrong and they tell me what happened, they usually get half of the number of swats that they would have originally gotten. Makenna went into her sister’s room and used her iPod to download games. Yes, we had no idea she had done this, and yes, she came to us and told us without us confronting her. I praise her for that but, taking responsibility for their actions is something a child should do anyway. My kids aren’t afraid of us, they are used to being spanked. They know to always be honest or they’ll be in double trouble. Why should she have flown by without getting punished when she did something she knew was wrong, something that she knew she’d get into trouble for?
    I don’t want her to grow up thinking that just because she tells us that she did wrong before we even find out about it, that she will get off. It’s like saying I killed somebody and told the police what I had done and they say “oh, that’s okay”. I know these are vastly different scenarios but still, if you do wrong, there are consequences whether that be a spanking as a child or going to jail as an adult.

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    • Hey Tod, it’s up to you and your wife to decide what to do in these kind of scenarios. In my response to your wife’s comment, I told her what I’d do. I didn’t tell her what she should do. That’s up to you guys.

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      • I know you were telling what you would do, i know. But we’re in a tough situation because we can’t agree on how we should discipline our child

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  109. You might be wondering, “would he have really spanked her for not eating them?” Yes I would. I have before.

    “But here’s the thing: I wouldn’t have forced her to eat them. You can’t really force anyone to do anything. You can only hope to persuade them. As a parent, I know that Katee needs to eat her vegetables, so I want to be very persuasive.”

    Is that not the same as force her to eat? Is either get a painfully spanking or eating. For a child or a adult a pure force to eat. Sometimes I also get something I can not eat or dislike as a adult. Spanking for not eating can also have bad long term signs later. If I get something on my plate and one say “you either eat this or you get a very painfully spanking!” what would you choose?

    Is it not strange that parents can inflict pain on purpose on children but you would not do it on your pets or your wife.

    Have you heard of Beth Fenimore? A open letter to Mr. Dobson. Her father spanked her in the name of God. She got a severe spanking. If she cried too long after a spanking then she got a new spanking for it. The list goes on. You can read that open letter by your self.

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    • Hi Brad, I hope you read my entire blog, if you didn’t.

      This woman you speak of was obviously abused. Abuse is WRONG. Don’t abuse.

      Proper spanking is not abuse. People tend to get in ditches. Abuse is a ditch on one side. No discipline is the ditch on the other side. Loving parents have spanked their child since ancient times. I know many, many adults who are thankful that their parents spanked them and have great relationship with their parents. What about those people? Does their opinion not matter? Do we make our decisions based off of an open letter from a woman who was abused? We shouldn’t.

      I don’t force my child to eat. I give her a choice between a wack that stings and a healthy veggie that is going to help her be strong, fit, happy, and to feel good about herself. Is that abuse? I don’t think so. I think it’s abuse to allow your kids to eat junk food and become obese (there is an obesity epidemic today in children).

      I want my daughter to understand that if she, as an adult, chooses to eat junk, that she’s going to suffer much worse than a small sting on the rear. I’m giving her a head start. She’s learned that she LOVES veggies that she only tried because she didn’t want a spanking.

      If I shoved food down her throat, that would be forcing. I don’t do that.

      This concept is in our everyday life. Does the government force us to keep the law? No, they don’t. We can choose to disobey the law, but we will be punished. Many people choose to disobey and suffer much worse than a spank on the rear. They lock them in rooms like animals and put some to death. I think if parents spanked their kids properly, it would help them to understand this concept and we’d have less people in jail and more happy adults.

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  110. But why would you have to spank your kids unless they have done something majorly wrong. Instead os spanking your kids for not picking up their toys,, can’t you just take them away? if your kids refuse to eat healthy, can’t you just say “okay, you won’t get dessert tonight”? Why do you have to inflict pain on your child and make sure that they are crying? Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe in spanking for major offenses, something that could lead them down a dark criminal path. If your kids just don’t want to eat a veggie or pick up their toys, why would it be so important to then put the child in pain bad enough where they cry?

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  111. Hal, we are having some serious problems with our son. My wife is more on the gentle side and so she does not like to spank him at all. Now granted, if she needs to, she will but it’s not everyday that she will discipline him, and it’s not everyday that he receives the proper discipline. I am in the military and a year and a half ago we moved near a fort base in San Antonio, Texas.I work from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. and many nights depending on our training or our next mission, I might have to stay the night. My son has learned that he can take advantage of my wife which is definitely not okay with me. when I’m home and he does something wrong there ain’t no doubt that he’s going to get a spanking. but when I try to discipline him he runs to Mommy. It makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t try to protect him when he is being disciplined even though she knows that he should be disciplined. I’m trying to teach my wife how to stand her ground and don’t let him walk all over her because she’s driving the car not him. at night I often walk into chaos, and many nights my son gets spanked because he refuses to go to bed. This is another issue that we have with my son taking advantage of my wife. He knows how to get what he wants from Mommy but he also knows that Daddy will be quick to spank him if he does something wrong therefore he’s perfect around me, but when I asked how he was during the day she is hesitant to tell me he has been a struggle for her All day. my wife is physically and emotionally exhausted. She chases him around all day, and deals with his temper tantrums, and has to put up with his very unacceptable behavior.
    I respect my wife I’m trying to comfort our son, but I do believe that she needs to be a little bit tougher no matter how hard it is. As a child my mom didn’t want to spank me but my dad was quick to do it and I’d learn my lessons really quick not to give Mom OR Dad trouble. It’s been quite the adventure of 2 and ½ years and my wife is hoping that he will just calm down naturally and she won’t have to put up with it anymore. I told her if that’s what she is expecting she’ll be waiting a long time because he has to be disciplined for his behavior in order to know that no matter who he gives trouble to, he will be disciplined. I know it’s hard for her with me not being around and so every chance I get I call and say “hey are you okay, is everything going good?” Etc. Do you have any advice? My wife and I share an email. It’s really hard to help her discipline our son when i’m not there. Will you please help us out, or as I should say help her out?

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    • Hi Spencer, I think you’re right, she needs to be tougher. I’d encourage her to read this blog.

      I’ve found that when I spank my kids, not only is my household much more peaceful, but my kids are happier. All adults know that living an undisciplined life is miserable. When we skip working out, when we eat junk, when we leave the house a mess, we feel miserable. But when we go to the gym, get the house clean, eat healthy, we feel good. Kids are the same way, but they don’t know how to live disciplined on their own. They need their parents help. My kids are SO proud of themselves when they clean their room, eat their veggies, do their homework, etc. they feel so good about themselves! But if it wasn’t for our discipline, they wouldn’t do it. I would be robbing them of that great feeling of feeling good about themselves. If you’re wife thinks that she’s helping her son by not spanking him, she’s doing just the opposite. And it’s going to get WORSE. Pretty soon he’ll be too strong for her to be able to spank him, then she’ll be in a real mess. The Bible says to discipline your son while there is still hope. That means: do it while they’re young. Shape him to be a disciplined person now, because it’s a lot harder when he’s older.

      I’d encourage you to share these things with your wife. Read this blog and the other one I wrote about spankings with her (link is in this blog) and see what she thinks. Open the Bible and read the verses about spanking together. God bless

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  112. Hal, this is Kate. I was just wanting to ask you a few questions. First things first. I don’t think that spanking is absolutely necessary unless the child does something major.To me, spanking is humiliating. When I was a child and teenager, my dad spanked me with a razor strap on my bare bottom. What’s surprising is the fact that I was hurt emotionally more than I was physically. He did it similar to the way you do it except without the wooden spoon. Over the knee bare bottom spankings. It was extremely embarrassing because my sister knew when I was being spanked and my dad did the spankings. Having to lay over his knee with my pants down was sickening because I was always wanted to modest. This is why I don’t spank my son. In another comment you talk about how you take your children to another room to be spanked because you don’t want your other kids to see that happen to them, but you do want your other kids to know that that child is being spanked.
    “David APRIL 7, 2015 AT 10:43 PM
    Couple questions: When you exercise discipline do you take the child to their room, etc? How important is privacy in the spanking? Also, how do you handle misbehavior in a store, church, etc?

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    REPLY
    Hal Chaffee APRIL 8, 2015 AT 6:45 AM
    Hi David, for some reason many kids seem to like watching other kids be spanked (kind of demented, I know; shows the fallen nature of the flesh). That being the case, I always take them to another room, but usually just the next room over, whatever that happens to be. I do want my other kids to know what is happening.”

    Don’t you think it is humiliating to the child that is being spanked that his/her brother/sister knows they are being spanked.
    It was embarrassing to me as a child and I don’t want to embarrass my son.

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    • Hi Kate, unfortunately, when it comes to spanking, people tend to get in one ditch or the other. I don’t think spanking teenage girls is appropriate. I haven’t even spanked my 8 year old in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I spanked her (probably two years ago or longer). However, I will spank my boys if need be. Boys tend to be more inclined to misbehavior than girls in a general sense. Singapore understands this. They still spank boys in school, but not girls. I think this is wise.

      I’m sorry you had to endure what you did in your teenage years. But instead of going in the other ditch, come to the middle of the road. I was spanked as a kid (not enough), and I never had feelings of humiliation. I’ve talked to scores of others who have told me they were very glad that their parents spanked them when they were kids. Even teenagers have told me this.

      If you spank your son, you are going to find that both you and he will be happier. It’s hard to do, no doubt. I don’t like spanking my kids. I do it because I know it’s the right thing to do. And you know what, I have great kids. And I spank them very rarely.

      You’re not going to hurt your son by spanking. Quite the opposite, I assure you.

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  113. But the thing is, why would you want to spank a chld for a minor wrong doing and why would you want your other kids or anyone else in the house to know that that child is being spanked? My dad didn’t spank me infront of others either, but he made sure t=my sisters knew that I was being spanked. It was the same way with them.

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    • I don’t spank my kids for minor wrongs. I only spank them for disobeying or doing something dangerous. I never spank my kids for messing up—Only when the mess up on purpose in defiance to what I asked them to do. The reason I want the other kids to know is because I want them to know that daddy is serious.

      That being said, I dont think it matters that much. If you don’t want the the other kids to hear, than do it away from them.

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  114. Spanking a child for not picking up their toys after being asked and warned, I can see that but here’s the thing a child may not want to eat their vegetables, that reality. It doesn’t mean that giving in to them teaches them that they can skip their veggies and head for the desserts shelf in the cabinet. There are other ways to persuade a child to eat healthy. In my house my 2 year old has already learned how to unlock the child locks on the cabinets and he craves sweets so we put the little bit of junk food that we have on the top shelf where he can’t get to them. Every once in awhile, we’ll say “as soon as you finish your green beans, you can pick something to eat from the dessert shelf. That seems to work.
    So here is my question, is it really necessary to inflict pain on a small child because they won’t eat their veggies?

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  115. I guess I can start trying but my husband is not home during the day and he puts up a huge fight, I can’t even get him to stay in his crib for nap time. I don’t how I am going to make this happen, I have a lot less energy than him. It’s very, very hard to do.
    As for my husband, he’ll say “come here” one time and if he doesn’t he goes and picks him up himself. I can’t do that. 4 years ago I was in a car accident and shattered my left elbow. I can use my left arm but as for carrying things (like kids) I can’t because I can easily break it again. Therefore I only have 1 working arm. How can I fight him and discipline him?
    If I tell him that daddy will spank him, he looks at me like I’ve got 95 heads because he knows daddy works late so he can just go to bed so he won’t get a spanking.

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  116. Hey Hal, it’s wonderful how you’ve such amazing kids! I subscribed to you youtube and in the related channels section, I saw your daughter’s channel. She’s so adorable!!!!!
    BTW, in one of her videos that I saw about a month or so ago, I saw that she had her knee wrapped up. What’d she do?

    Liked by 1 person

  117. Hal, me and my husband have had a rough patch in our relationship, I won’t go into detail but we have had some conflicts when it comes to discipline. Our oldest daughter likes to roughhouse with our 2 year old. He has fallen down the stairs twice and fell off the swingset at least 3 or more times. My husband says that Kayla (our oldest) is “too old ” to be spanked and she should only be grounded when she is rough with Jackson (our son). Kayla is 4 and Jackson is 2. I don’t think she is too old to be spanked, I think she needs it…desperately. He also says that spanking her would be hypocritical because she’s hitting her brother and we tell her not her not to, then we hit her. I tried to explain the difference but he just isn’t getting the picture. Clearly Kayla need A LOT MORE than just being grounded. She doesn’t understand that she could hurt him. What would you recommend doing in this situation?

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    • Hi Sabrina, it’s definitely not hypocritical to spank for hitting! That would be like saying it’s hypocritical for police officers to arrest kidnappers because they are ‘kidnapping’ kidnappers. Spanking as a form of loving discipline and hitting someone over a toy are very different.

      Encourage your husband to read this blog. I agree that girls should not be spanked after a certain age, but I think four is young enough to still spank, especially since she hasn’t learned not to hit yet. But you and your husband need to be in agreement on this.

      God bless.

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  118. Hal this is Sabrina’s husband. I read your blog and I agree but I also have some refutations.
    1. In some areas of offense, yes, spankings should be implemented, but… some people may tend to believe that spanking can be considered a form of sexual assault. (personally I agree and disagree with this) depending on the circumstance and how the spanking is delivered.
    2. Why make the kids suffer through the intensity of being spanked when they do wrong? To me, I tend to think that spanking a child could mean that child becomes fearful of that parent. (“daddy’s hurting me, does he really love me?)
    3. Like i said, in some cases, children should be spanked but, wouldn’t you be sending them mixed messages when you spank them and tell them you love them?

    As far as I can remember, I was only spanked maybe 3 or 4 times and if I misbehaved, I got extra chores, allowance taken away, and sometimes, I would have to I would have to stay in my room for the number of minutes per my age. I hated being in my room so I learned real quick. The only time I ever got spanked was when I did something majorly wrong or I have repeated a behavior that has already gotten me in trouble. This happened very rarely and I turned out just fine.

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    • Hi Alex, 1- I agree that spankings should stop at a certain time for girls, but not four years old. Your wife is obviously struggling with her behavior. A few spankings done right will probably solve the problem real quick.

      2. My kids don’t fear me. They fear the wooden spoon. I never spank with my hand. I always use a wooden spoon. If I don’t have a wooden spoon in my hand, they never get scared. My hands are for loving and hugs and high fives. However, there have been a couple of funny moments when I got out the wooden spoon to cook and the two year old started running!

      3. Spanking is loving! I love my kids enough that I’ll correct them when needs be. When you spank correctly, spankings will be few and far between. And in between those spankings I’m sure to shower them with affection.

      I like spankings better than other forms of punishment because it’s quick and over. They understand that they did wrong, they get some love and hugs after the spanking, and then they can go play again. No sitting in a dark room, no missing birthday parties, no missing special treats. I hate when parents punish their kids from fun things! Just spank them and let them go have fun again! Just today a lady at the airport said she was canceling her six year olds birthday because he got in trouble at school! What?! That’s way more cruel than a few whacks on the behind.

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  119. Hal I have a really quick question.
    Obviously the kids are going to be upset when you tell that they are going to have to get a spanking because they know that spankings hurt.
    Do you ever have a problem with the kids resisting the spanking? What I mean by this is do they ever hesitate to walk with you to the room where they will be spanked? If so, how do you deal with this?

    The reason why I ask is because my daughter does this. I never really have a problem with her fighting during the spanking, it’s just before we give her a spanking she kind of shuts down in tears and curls up on the couch. This makes it hard to carry her anywhere. Sometimes my wife will be able to talk to her and convince her to take the spanking and then she can go to her when the spanking is over.

    I am patient with her so I don’t just snatch her up and take her in to spank her. We usually talk to her and tell her that the sooner she comes with daddy (or mommy) the sooner it will be over. Sometimes it doesn’t take long.

    My ultimate question here is what would you recommend doing in this situation if it does start to take longer? It feels like every time she has to get a spanking, it takes longer and longer for her to come with me.

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    • Hi Randel, ultimately I would just pick her up if I had to. If she’s too big to pick up, it might be time for alternative discipline.

      >

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  120. well, she’s 4. she’s not too big but the thing is, she curls up and that makes it harder.
    Usually we’ll talk to her about it but a lot of times she continues to cry and won’t say anything.

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  121. Hi Hal, I can clearly see that your discipline methods have been effective!
    I was just wanting to compare my results with yours. When you say you rarely spank your kids, how often do you usually spank them.

    For me, my daughter may be spanked once in every other week, she’s 3. My son is almost 2, we spank him maybe once or twice a week.
    (he just started getting spankings)

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    • Our two year old maybe once a week. My four year old, maybe once a month. I can’t remember the last time I spanked the two older girls (six and eight now)…years.

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  122. With your kids, do they get spankings every time they’re directly disobedient? I know nobody is perfect but I am trying to know when to spank and when not to spank.
    Unfortunately, I was spanked a whole lot as a child. My dad mainly was the one to spank me. He made me lie over my bed and he would spank me anywhere from 30-70 times, sometimes more! This happened up until I was 18 when he couldn’t spank me anymore. 😦
    That was the only form of discipline I ever knew or received, so my intentions on reading this blog and commenting were to gain new knowledge on how to spank my child differently and more appropriately than how I was spanked.

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    • Hi Taylor. The idea is to help them understand that when you say something, they need to do it. Now, I don’t mean like a drill sergeant. When I ask my child to do something, I ask in a polite tone: “Halle, please go brush your teeth.” As a general rule, I expect my child to say yes sir, and go do it. However, I usually allow my children to object. Sometimes they’ll object because of a valid reason. They might say, ‘can I finish what I’m doing?’ If it’s not late, and if it’s a reasonable request, I usually say yes. However, I expect them to comply according to the terms set. Sometimes I’ll say no. Then I expect that they stop what their doing and do as I ask. And they do. They know that ultimately, they need to do what they are told. If they refuse, or if they give a bad attitude, or refuse to be timely, then they’ll get a spanking. But that almost never happens. They reason it almost never happens is because they know they need to do what they’re told or they’ll get a spanking.

      Now that doesn’t mean I never give in. Sometimes I’ll ask them to do something and they’ll object, give a valid reason, and I’ll agree and go with what they ask. I try to do this as often as possible. What they say and what they think are important to me. I want them to know that.

      However, ultimately they know that if I put my foot down, Daddy needs to be obeyed.

      There are cases where I expect them to obey me immediately. I raise my voice when I expect them to immediately obey. These are almost always cases where they may be in danger or endangering another child.

      So ultimately, your child needs to obey you. If they don’t, they need a spanking. They need to understand that need to listen. I never allow direct disobedience to go unpunished. But I’m always ready to listen to what they have to say as well.

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  123. Hal, my oldest daughter is 7 1\2 going on 8 in December and we have had many, many intercounters with the school principle because she is defiant in the class room. At home she is fine, very rarely do we have these issues. However, last week Her school had had enough and she was suspended for the remainder of that day and the day after that. I know you said girls shouldn’t be spanked after a certain age, but given the details of the situation I have already given you, would you recommend spanking her?

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    • Hi Jessica, I haven’t spanked my girls in a long time, but I’ve also mentioned that I would if I felt like I really had to. If no other form of discipline is working for you, it may be necessary. But this suspension might wake her up a little, especially if you make her clean, etc while she’s home!

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  124. Yeah, see the thing is me and my husband recently divorced. He had been arrested three times for DUI and it got to the point where he was out all night partying and drinking and I told hik “we have a child together and possibly one on the way in the future you’r going to have to step up your game. He knew about her behaviors but it seemed like he didn’t care. It got to the point where I was like you know what I’m just going to call it quits because you’ve been arrested three times and I can’t go on like this. I’m not really for sure if the divorce made things worse for her or not but then again as hard as it is she still has to be disciplined but I’ve never dealt with this sort of thing on my own before so I’m just trying to seek some advice. My phones have been telling me just try to work it out with my husband but that’s not going to happen because I can’t trust him.

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    • I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, you’re in a tough spot. Your husband needs to grow up and be a man. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to want to do that. If he doesn’t repent, he’ll be judged by God for this and it won’t be pretty. I pray that he will turn away from this and turn to God. As for you, the Lord will help you if you turn to Him with all your heart. It won’t be easy, but Jesus will never leave you and never forsake you. He’ll walk with you through the tough times.

      I’m sure this is affecting your daughter. Show her lots of love, but also lay down the law. She needs boundaries.

      Make sure to be a part of a good church. You’ll need their support.

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  125. Also I forgot to mention this in my first comment but my cousin has a 17 month old who has started reaching for the stove or the oven, and she was wondering when you would whack your kids hands for doing something dangerous when they were too little to be spanked, would you use a wooden spoon?

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  126. Hal me and my wife have been spanking our daughter since she was 2. She is almost 4 and she has recently started trying to “plead her case”. She is respectful about it therefore we are opening our ears to her. My question is, when your kids would do this, were there ever any times where you wouldn’t spank them?

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      • Hi Jennifer, I do let my kids plead their case, but it depends on the circumstances. If I’ve repeatedly asked them to do something and they refuse or ignore me, and I know they heard me, then there’s not much to plead; it’s just excuses and stalling after that. If they’ve done something wrong, I always ask them about it and see what they have to say, then I determine if a spanking is called for. Sometimes I tell them to do something and they object. As long as they object in a respectful way (I never let them speak disrespectfully to my wife or me), I listen. Many times, if the objection is reasonable, I’ll allow it (for example: “dad, can I finish what I’m doing first?”). So yes and no. For me, if it gets to the point were I need to spank them, and I tell them that I am going to, I do it. I don’t throw around “I’m going spank you” all the time. When I say it, I mean it, and I do it. This has been a good practice; my kids are very rarely spanked because they know I’m serious, but they also know I’m reasonable. You need to be both.

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  127. I didn’t mean to send that comment when I did. This is Jessica’s cousin and my phone sent the comment before I was ready. Sorry.

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  128. Hal, me and my husband have a son and a daughter both under the age of 3. our daughter is the youngest and she has just been potty trained. However, there have been instances where she has peed in her pants. We spanked our son when he did this because he did it on purpose.but we’re not sure about our daughter. Austin (my husband says “maybe she should be spanked” but I’m like “i don’t know, I seriously doubt she is doing just to be lazy”. What would you recommend?

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    • I don’t think it’s a bad idea. It doesn’t need to be a serious spanking. Just a little whack. She may just be distracted and not paying attention to when she needs to pee. A little whack might help her to pay better attention. I wouldn’t go overboard on it, though. And I’d tell her ahead of time: “if you pee your pants again, next time you’re getting a spanking.” But if it doesn’t seem to be working after a few times, it could be another issue. So keep that in mind.

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  129. Okay, thanks for the feedback! We’ll keep that in mind.
    Also, my youngest sister is 8 and she has a VERY bad habit of cocking an attitude which gets on my parents’ nerves real quick. They are much like you and wouldn’t spank her at that age but as a
    replacement for the spanking, they make her write sentences. Typically, they tell her to write “I will not talk back to mom and dad” 50 times and if she continues to argue, they add 10 more sentences. One time se just kept arguing and arguing and got up to 180 sentences. Of course then she was upset and got mad.
    I was curious on your thoughts of this.

    Overall, I don’t think it is working.

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  130. Hal, I have a question that is from your other article on spanking.

    ” 2. You should use a rod that is dedicated to that purpose. This is so the child can recognize it as a measure for punishment and so that it will hurt when you use it. If it doesn’t cause your child pain when you are doing it, and if it doesn’t cause them to cry, then you aren’t doing it right.”

    I believe in spanking. We have spanked our kids since they were 1 1/2.
    But my question is…why does the child have to cry as a result from the spanking? My sons whines a little when my husband spanks him and maybe he’ll say “ow” when I spank him. Our spankings hurt. My daughter cries but she is 3.

    I don’t know how your kids react to the spankings you give, but why is it important for the child to cry during/after the spanking?

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    • For spankings to work, they have to hurt. Are you having to spank your kids often? If so, it’s probably because they don’t hurt. It doesn’t have to be a lot of spankings. For my kids I usually don’t go more than three whacks. But it has to hurt or the effectiveness of spanking will not be as much. I spank my kids very rarely, but when I do, it’s meaningful enough for them not to want it to happen again.

      It’s hard to believe your spankings hurts he doesn’t cry. Maybe it does, that’s fine. If you are getting the behavior from him that you desire then no need to change anything. However, if he is repeating the bad behavior then you may need to make some changes.

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  131. My daughter is spanked maybe twice a month. My son maybe once a month. I know that the spankings they get are meaningful. My daughter cries and she doesn’t repeat that behavior that led to her getting a spanking. My son maybe whimpers or says “ow”. He is almost 6. He doesn’t repeat those behaviors either. Okay maybe once or twice he did but he learned that if he’s already been spanked once, it’s going to be twice as bad the second time around and then he cries. But this is very rare!!!!

    What I am trying to understand, is why do they have to be in tears. Maybe your kids have a different reaction but mine react this way. Why do they have to cry in order for the spanking to be meaningful?

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    • If your son is learning his lessons than no need to change! Typically children cry when they feel pain. But if your son doesn’t cry and it still works to bring about the desired behavior, no problem there! But I’d say your son is an anomaly. Most kids cry when they feel pain.

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  132. Yeah, I guess that’s just the part where I got confused.
    My daughter is a totally different story than my son. She screams, cries, begs, pleads, you name it.
    Now, she’s 3 so that’s normal.
    All kids that age would squirm and fight.
    She’s pretty good though. Her spankings are mainly because she either hit her brother or she doesn’t listen to us.
    I’ve had to spank her for repeated behaviors a few more times than my son but I think as long as we carry through, she’ll eventually get the idea.

    In my opinion she isn’t old enough to remember what she has and has not been spanked for. BUT the major instances, she remembers vividly because she gets a spanking from daddy which really gets her attention.

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  133. Hal, me and my ife were just reading this and we saw where you give extra swats for lyin, we were wondering…
    1. How many extra swata do you typically give?
    2. Do you do the speech before or after the spanking?
    3. What if they say they weren’t lying?

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    • Just a couple extra swats. I do the speech ahead of time.

      If I know for sure they were lying, it doesn’t matter what they say. But if I’m not sure, I give them the benefit of the doubt. However, if I find later that they were lying, they’ll be in big trouble!

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  134. Hey Hal, I was wondering in your household, do you and your wife spank your kids or just you. I have heard many different answers from different people. Just curious of your thoughts.

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  135. We do it similar but my kids always beg my wife to do it or to help them because she’s more gentle whereas for me, they know it’s going to hurt more but when it’s me they are mortified, If it’s her, they’re not really that scared, they still cry, but they’re not really that scared. Even with the wooden spoon. What would you recommend doing in that situation. My wife uses my email too, her’s got shut down when she left her job. She has been asking questions as well, she’ll tell you when it’s her! Thanks!

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  136. Hey Hal, this is Shelby, Kyzer’s wife. I wanted to comment and talk to you about the whole spanking situation. My daughter (Amelia) is rarely spanked by me because it’s such a hard thing to do. It hurts me deep to do it to her because i don’t think it is fair to her. She is 2 1/2. She doesn’t know right from wrong. If she doesn’t know it was wrong, why inflict pain on her? I saw a TV show one time that showed where a very strict, female, pastor/disciplinarian who, while in church forced a young woman to spank her young son (not even a year old) with a belt because he was making noise.

    Amelia is not cognitively developed she doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong. Maybe a timeout would help her to learn? Anytime I hear her getting spanked, tears well in my eyes because what hurts her hurts me.
    I am open to advice. Just thought I would give you my perspective.

    I agree with the reasons you said spanking a child works but it’s hard, but if you or your wife would like to lend me some feedback, I will take the time to read it!

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    • Hi Shelby, there’s a big difference between a proper spankings and abuse. The problem is that people see and hear about abuse and then go in the other ditch. Proper spankings done in love is not abuse.

      I’m not strict, nor domineering, but I spank my kids. I do it for their sake, not my own. Spanking them helps them to learn right from wrong. My two year old doesn’t know that it’s wrong to hit is brother. A spanking helps him to know that.

      One of the reasons America is in a mess and our prison systems are full is because of a generation of people who are confused about what is right and what is wrong. God gives us clear instructions on what is wrong and we ignore them to our on peril. By spanking our kids, we train them concerning right in wrong.

      I can’t sit down with my two year old and explain to him why he can’t touch the hot stove or stick his finger in the electric socket or why he can’t run out in the road. His mind isn’t developed enough to understand those things yet. He does understand, however, a sting to the rear. When he’s older I can explain why, but for now he needs to learn obedience for his own safety.

      Pain is a part of life. I don’t want my children to experience the pain of making poor and bad decisions. I’d rather them feel the small pain of a spanking than the great pain of an undisciplined life.

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  137. It’s Shelby. Few questions.
    1. Are there any cases serious enough to go up to school to spank your children?
    2. What if kids hesitate to tell the truth because they are afraid to tell you?
    3. Do you think it is important to try to get the spanking over with quickly?
    4. What is your process when preparing to give a child a spanking and after the spanking is over.
    5. What if a child refuses to do his/her homework

    I have 3 kids.
    Amelia: 2 1/2
    Carson: 4 (he’s in preschool) He is defiant in school- also fears telling the truth
    Skyler: 6 (just started Kindergarten, refuses to do homework which is mainly practice writing her name and reading) Her teacher wants the parents to sit down with the child while doing this but it is a struggle for us. Usually my husband is not home when I have to sit down with her because she goes to bed at 7:30 and he gets home at 8

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    • 1. Yes! My kids are homeschooled now, but when they went to school I was sure to let the teacher know that they could call/text me anytime my child was misbehaving. Teachers love it they know you are on board with them. I only had to spank one of my children one time at school. I did it in the car.
      2. Let them know that they will receive much greater punishment for lying than for telling the truth. I tell them they will be punished either way, but the punishment will be worse if I catch them lying.
      3. No reason to drag it on. That’s one of the reasons I think spankings are so much better than other forms of punishment. Let it be short and done so they can go on and play.
      4. I sit them down and ask them why they are being punished. I make sure they understand. After that I spank them. Then I reassure my love for them. (If they’re too young to reason with, I just do my best to make sure they understand. For example, I point at the oven and say ‘Don’t touch this’ and then smack their hand if they do – they’ll learn quick!) (Kids understand a lot more than a lot of people think. My son just turned two and when I ask him to pick up his toys he ignores me like he doesn’t understand; but as soon as I say, “I’m getting the wooden spoon,” he gets to it!).
      5. I would definitely spank my kids for not doing their homework. However, I would first sit down with them and ask why the aren’t doing it. Maybe they just need help. If I determine that it’s just because they don’t want to–then I will give them the ultimatum: ‘get started or the wooden spoon is coming out.’

      Once your kids know that you are serious and that your spankings hurt, they won’t test you near as much. I very rarely spank my kids. They know that, ultimately, they have to listen to mom and dad. Of course, we let them speak their mind and make their case, but they also understand what it means when mom and dad put their foot down.

      My question for you is this: who runs your household? Is it your kids or is it you? I think you are much more qualified to run your household. Don’t let your kids think that they can push you around. God bless.

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  138. We spank Carson and Skyler. She listed their main problems that they have in general. But I have always wondered about spanking them at school. My son often can’t remember what he did at school therefore he doesn’t know why he is getting spanked at home.

    They’re not spanked too often though.

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  139. Hal, me and and my husband are loosing our minds! Our son Conner has repeatedly crossed our limits and it has gotten to the point where, he’s too big to pick up, he hits, bites, screams, etc. At bedtime, he bangs on his bed and after doing that he slams his door repeatedly. We try to ignore him and then he starts throwing things around in his room and he will come out, run down stairs and bang on all of the doors. He has a SEVERE ADHD diagnosis. Unfortunately none of his medicines are working no matter how much we increase them. He’s been spanked, he’s been grounded, he’s been punished in every way we know how. Ultimately we have lost faith. My daughter is 3 months old and with him acting this way, me and my husband have to split the roles and one of us takes care of the baby while the other tries to get him to calm down. His doctor has said that if none of his medications are working, then we may have to switch to emergency PRN injection. Anytime he’s endangering himself or others, we would have to put him on the ground and give him a shot which would make him go to sleep. His doctor has said “this is really all we have left to do for him”. Our last resort would be to send him to a behavioral hospital. We don’t want that. I’m a stay at home mom and I’m scared to death on what I would need to do If I have to restrain him. I used to be an MHT so typically when that happend, I had a team helping me, that won’t be the case. We are seriously open to any advice, we DESPERATELY need it!

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    • Hi Samantha, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation! It’s hard for me to really recommend anything because I don’t know the situation well enough and it sounds like it could be a medical issue. However, I will tell you what I would TRY (I repeat: what I would try. This is by no means advice or recommendation). I would try to buckle down on spankings (for a time to see if it works). It may be really difficult the first few times, but if he can make the connection that behavior like that results in really sore buttocks, he may begin to change his behavior. It’ll no doubt be a fight, and you and your husband will have to do it together. You’ll also have to spend a lot of time reassuring your love toward him before and afterward because I’m sure it’ll be traumatic. However, it may be necessary to do this to ensure the safety of your newborn and his own safety. But once again, this is probably what I would try to do. I don’t know your situation exactly and ultimately you need guys need to make the decision of what seems best.

      l had ADHD when I was a kid and I often look back and remember that spankings from my dad helped keep me in line (but not from my mom; they didn’t hurt and I just pretended to cry). My parents gave up on spanking me because I suspect that my mom convinced my dad that they didn’t work. And she was right, her spankings didn’t work…but my dad’s did. As a result of their discontinued discipline (in part), I had a very difficult childhood and it’s only by the grace of Jesus that I am where I am today.

      If you guys have already made sure that you have spanked him regularly in a way that you are sure that it really hurt (kids are good exaggeraters), then you really need to set yourself to some fasting and prayer for wisdom. God will give you the wisdom you need if you seek him for it (see James 1:5)

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  140. Thanks for that! I think I may have to hire some people because my husband is not at home with me during the day and if I have to restrain him or try to spank him, I can just leave the bab by herself just to go take care of Conner.The problem is, I may have to have multiple people hired in case of an emergency situation. Any thing you could say to that?

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  141. Hal, what if we feel like our child does not react well to a spanking, but it is needed. My daughter’s reaction is really weird, obviously she cries, but after the spanking she kind of shuts down and doesn’t want to talk to anybody. She’s almost 5 so she isn’t spanked very often but even still, she shuts down and we ask her numerous times “honey, are you okay?” she typically has her fingers in her mouth and she’ll give a little nod. Any thoughts?

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    • Hi Oliver, it’s probably her way of dealing with the pain. Is she acting ok in normal life? If so, she’s probably fine. However, with girls, it may be that you can start switching to a different form of punishment at this age (send her to her room, make her clean, etc). If a different form of punishment doesn’t work, you may need to continue with spankings.

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  142. Hal, me and my husband have been spanking our daughter since she was 2 and from what we can recall, we’ve had great success spanking her with a ping pong paddle in her underwear. The paddle is wooden so it produces the same sting as a wooden spoon. The reason my husband wanted to use a ping pong paddle, was because that’s what his parents used and he was put in shape that way. Obviously we don’t hit too hard. However, lately we feel like spanking her with the ping pong paddle in her underwear, hasn’t had the same affect. We wanted to ask you if you think it would be okay to pull her underwear down and spank her on the bare bottom. We’re not really sure if that would be too harsh for a 3 year old. Any recommendations?

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    • Hi Christina, we’ve always done bare bottom. But if you don’t want to do that, try a wooden spoon. With the right flick of the wrist, it’ll sting even through clothing.

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  143. Ha, whenever we spank our she daughter she fights with us. She screams and cries and begs not to get spanked. we’ve often told her “honey, i know you don’t want a spanking but you have to understand that there are consequences for wrong behavior”. She just turned 4.
    Often she says “please, one more chance” We’ve carried through with the spankings but the fight continues. Telling her to cooperate doesn’t see to get through to her. Any suggestions on what we could say? What have you told you kids (or did) worked?

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    • Hi Stephanie, I told my kids that they can stop fighting or they’ll get an extra swat. Usually I’ll add the number of swats up incrementally until I get to three extra (I don’t do any more extra than that). This has worked for me. If they still fight, I hold them and give them a spanking plus the extra that I promised. This has only happened once or twice for my kids. They learned quick. If they continue to put their hands in the way, I’ll try to hold them away. If not, I’ll lightly swat them with the wooden spoon. That seems to work. But yeah, they always beg not to be spanked. I don’t spank my kids often, but if they push me beyond what is appropriate, then none of their begging or crying is going to get them out of it. Next time they will learn that they need to shape up. If you are consistent with your spankings when they are really necessary, you won’t have to do them too often.

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  144. Whenever you’re talking to your kids before they get a spanking, do you ever hug them before and tell them “it’s going to be okay”or do you wait until after the spanking?
    My husband thinks we should do that but in my opinion, it’s not going to make them feel any better or stop fighting it. My husband tells them “it’s going to be okay” before he spanks them and they still fight it. what are your thoughts?

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    • I personally don’t do that, but I don’t think it matters one way or the other. Bottom line is that they don’t want to be spanked. I think it’s more important to love on them at all times. And also take them time to explain that spanking is part of what a loving parent does. They may not understand that now, but when they’ve grown they will. I also talk to them about how God has to give me a ‘spanking’ from time to time (Hebrews 12:5-11). He disciplines me because I’m His child and because He loves me. And I explain to them that it’s for the same reason that I am spanking them.

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  145. I don’t know your situation and how your wife manages the kids while they’re at home, but what happens if they need to be spanked and won’t let your wife do it. You said your wife is small, so i’m assuming she has you do it when you get home. But my question is, what if they don’t take the spanking fro your wife? Does she call/text you or does she just tell you when you when you get home and you spank them? My situation is pretty much exactly similar. I am barely 5 ft tall so it’s hard for me to spank my kids.

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    • Hi Bailey, my wife does spank the kids if she needs to. She has a tough time doing it but she tells the kids that they can either let her do it or daddy will do it when he gets home. That works for her. If they didn’t let her, I would be VERY upset that they treated their mother (my wife!) in such a manner. Taking advantage of her because she is smaller is a high crime in my book. Fortunately for them, it’s never come to that. They fear my spankings and so my wife’s threats have always worked.

      Whatever way you decide to go about it should work fine. Just make sure daddy tells the kids that they are getting spanked, number one, because of what they did, and, number two, because of they way they treated you (extra for that).

      But as far as you spanking your kids, I don’t see any problem with a small woman like you finding a bigger stick. They need to know that you are boss and they can’t push you around.

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  146. Hal, me and my husband have been researching this topic for the longest time and your article seems to be the most helpful. But we have a few questions if you don’t mind.
    1. I know you said that when you’re home, your wife would prefer if you spanked the kids and you also said that your kids fear your spankings. What if a child asks if your wife can spank them instead? Would you say yes or no?—my question.

    2. What if a child is sick. (not like puking their guts out sick) but what if they are running a fever or have a really bad cold and they do something that they don’t usually do but it is still punishable by a spanking? Would you let them slide or go ahead and do the spanking?—-my husband’s question

    3.When you say you spank your kids with a wooden spoon, do you use the handle or the spoon part?—my husband’s question

    4. When you spank the kids, do you tell them ahead of time how many swat they’re getting?—my question

    Last one, I promise!

    5. After you spank your kids, do you ever let them go to your wife and her hold them for a bit or do you hold them until they calm down?—-my husband’s question

    We are starting to spank our first child (daughter) who is 2 and we’re just gathering information on the “do’s and dont’s” if you will on how to spank properly.

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    • Hi Bailey,
      1. I would say it depends. If it’s a girl, then I would probably say yes as long as it’s not a repeated offense. If it’s one of the boys I would probably say no.
      2. This would be a case by case basis for me. But if the child feels well enough to misbehave then they’re probably well enough to get a spanking. However, I would definitely consider the situation and make a judgement on a case to case basis.
      3. I hold the spoon like in the picture. The spoon part hits the bottom.
      4. Sometimes, especially if they are fighting me too much. That way I can add the number up if I need to. Otherwise I usually only do two or three swats. That seems to hurt enough for them to get the picture. But it goes up if they give me a hard time.
      5. When they were really little I would hold them til they calmed down, but as they got older I would just kiss them and hug them and let them go if they wanted. Just kid of use your judgment there.

      Lots of love and a few tough spankings here and there will result in not having to spank very often. If you are having to spank a lot, you’re probably not making a good enough impression when you do spank. Hope this helps! God Bless!

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  147. If you don’t mind me asking, do you ever give your kids options as to how their punished, or do you choose the punishment for them?

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  148. Like for example, they can either be spanked or they get extra chores or something like that

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    • I think that could be appropriate for certain circumstances, especially for kids that are a bit older and if the child normally displays good behavior.

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  149. okay. I also wanted to get your opinion on something else. A few weeks ago, we started giving my daughter options and sometimes she’d chose a spanking and sometimes she’d add spanking to the list. Well we’d go along with it and when it came right down to it she would change her mind. She’s 4 BTW. Anyway so after she realized “hey, i’m actually going to get a spanking”, she’d say “wait…I don’t want a spanking” and immediately start crying. It’s happened several times and the reason she chooses a spanking is because she doesn’t want the other options “no allowance, extra chores, grounding, sentences, etc). So when it boiled down to the bottom line, she didn’t want a spanking nor did she/would she choose another punishment. So here are my questions…
    1. In a situation like that, would you let your kids change their mind at the last minute? What would be your response?
    2.What would you do if they don’t want any of the listed punishments you give and they won’t give you an answer. What punishment would you give for a 4 year old?

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    • Spankings are best for four year olds. I wouldn’t give her the options. When she’s older, then some options would be more appropriate on certain occasions. If you spank her right, you’ll have less and less occasions were punishment will be necessary.

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  150. Hal, somewhere in another comment, you talk about how you don’t want you other kids to see a child being spanked, however, you want them to know that that child is being spanked. I have a question about that. You said your kids are 2, 4, 6, and 8, and you don’t want to embarrass them. If the other kids hear that child being spanked, don’t you think that would be embarrassing to them. Now don’t get me wrong, spanking is essential these days because children need it sometimes, I’m not saying that you’re in the wrong. But my kids , when they are spanked it hurts them and their feelings and they don’t want it to happen again. With your kids knowing that another child is being spanked, don’t you think it would hurt them even more and they would be embarrassed that their brothers/sisters know that they got spanked?

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    • It seems to me that if they don’t see the other kids watching then they’re not embarrassed. So taking them into the other room seems to keep them from being embarrassed but also allow the other kids to know what’s happening. But if you feel like their still embarrassed, find a more private place

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  151. Hi! I have a 1.5 year old who has become a tad bit disobedient. My husband just freaked out and left a few days ago and since then things have been crazy with her behavior. Again she’s only a year and a half so would you recommend spanking her?
    At what age did you start spanking your kids? Just asking.

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    • I don’t think it’s too young. No need to go overboard, though. Just a little whack should get her attention. I start as soon as they start reaching for the electrical outlet. I’d whack their hand with mine and say ‘no’.

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  152. Hal, I was needing to seek advice from someone because I am a stay at home mom and I am having some issues with my daughter. My daughter is 6 and lately when she misbehaves, I have sent her to her room. Unfortunately, that method of discipline hasn’t had the same affect. We have also spanked her a few times. when she was little, the outcome of spanking was amazing. Now it’s not. My hands are tied on what to do. Any suggestions?

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    • Hi Heather, it sounds like you aren’t spanking her hard enough. She’s bigger now and so the spankings need to match her size. No need to be abusive, just make sure the spankings really sting. Make sure you use a wooden spoon or something similar. If you do it right, it’ll most definitely work. God Bless.

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  153. I agree with you, but my daughter “fake cries” in order to make the spanking be short and not as hard. So, If I try spanking her harder, how can I tell when she is actually crying and her her tears are real?

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    • You’ll be able to tell. Make it sting. Practice on your own leg with a wooden spoon. Whack it hard. It’ll sting for a little while, but go away in a few moments. That’s how you need to spank your kids.

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  154. Hal, my daughter isn’t spanked that often but when she is spanked, it’s a little bit of a struggle. She doesn’t resist the spanking, or put her hands in the way or anything like that but this is what happens. As soon as she gets the first swat, she jumps and kicks her legs while screaming and crying. We have told her “stay still” but in my opinion, I think it’s hard for her to do that even though in reality, we really aren’t smacking that hard. (She’s 4 1/5). She’s fine as of behavior afterward but the problem we’re having is the kicking. What would you reccomend doing in this situation. What response would you give or what would you do?

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    • Stand her between your legs and have her bend over one of your legs. You can squeeze your legs together to keep her in place. She won’t be able to kick then.

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  155. When you say that when a child is fighting you, you add the number of swats up, and when you get to three, if they’re still fighting you hold them and spank them. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you hold them down? I have asked many parents who spank their kids and have recieved many different answers. Some said they would press down on their back and hold their legs down with their leg. Others have said that they would lay the child on the couch, bed, etc, and place a knee lightly on the child’s back and then spank them. Just curious of your thoughts,

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    • If you put them between your legs (while you’re in a chair) and bend them over your leg it should be easier for you. That way you can hold their legs (which are their strongest muscles) with your legs. If your husband is around, get him to do it. If not, give them hell if they fight you. No one should hit momma. NO ONE.

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      • My kids don’t hit me, I just think that that’s their reaction to pain.
        My kids never hit me because they know if they do and DADDY finds out, the spankings I give them will be nothing compared to what they’ll get with him.

        My kids know my husband’s spankings and they are scared to death of them.
        There was this ONE time where my daughter lashed out and swung at me. Once she realized what she had done, she started crying. “MOMMY PLEASE DON’T TELL DADDY, I DON”T WANT HIM TO GIVE ME A SPANKING!!!!!!!!”
        She even said that I could give her a spanking!

        Liked by 1 person

  156. Hey Hal,
    First of all, I would like to say there is a huge difference between abuse and spanking. However, my stance is both are morally wrong. Really the number one reason I am agnaist spanking is because I believe violence is not the answer, and all throughout the Bible there are anti violence verses. So spanking, (actually why are we even calling it spanking) It is hitting/striking a child so why don’t we say hitting or striking? Is it because hitting sounds worse and you tell your children not to hit, so to avoid sounding like a hypocrite we call it spanking? Interesting. (Also I am not trying to be offensive by using the word hypocrite. My intent is not to judge you and other spankers based on one thing you do. God shall be the only one to judge us.) Anyway, so if your going to spank your daughter for not eating her vegetables I would assume if she ever (and I am in no way suggesting your daughter would do this) started to hit you, I would assume you would spank her. I mean, if you only spank her to “persuade” her and only spank her when you want her to do things then there is a whole-nother issue. ( It even seems as though you are trying to avoid her calling out the hypocrisy of spanking.) So let’s use the word hitting since that’s what it really is. For the vegetable incident you probably said something along the line “if you don’t eat your vegetables I am going to hit (spank) you.” Let’s recap, how do you deal with the situation? Loss of privileges? No. Natural Punishment? No. Violence? Yes. So if she started hitting you you might say something like; ” If you don’t stop HITTING I’m going to HIT (spank, but really hit) YOU. See my point it does seem pretty hypocritical. Now, you may not hit her if she hit for that exact reason, but then why can you hit her other times? You are teaching her that hitting is a Christian thing to do and a way to resolve problems. Now maybe since you were spanked and taught that (whether you realize it or not that’s probably a factor in why you spank or at least considered to spank) you think violence is a fine way to resolve conflict, but this second part of my writing is going to attempt to prove its not.

    So in the beginning I talked about violence being a sin and not a way to resolve conflict I’m now going to use the Bible to back that up. Alrighty, so say your sharing a hotel room with a friend and they refuse to clean up their space, so you get out a wooden spoon and hit them. I’m sure God would consider that a sin. Although I have no scripture to back that up to why that event specifically is a sin, the Bible is in general anti violence. So therfore if you did that, you would pray to God and ask for forgiveness. But I’m sure you don’t ask for forgiveness when you spank your daughters. Because if you did I’m sure you would be trying to stop spanking them instead of writing an article endorsing spanking. Ahah! Then you say “but the Bible endorses spanking so it is right!” Okay so when you mentioned the Bible verses that endorse spanking I was shocked and a little disappointed in myself that I never say them so I looked them up. And I was deeply inspired by reading them, they were actually quite insightful. But I was a little confused at some of the terminology so I did some research. I was actually very confused about what the word rod meant it seemed very vague actually, but what I found made those verses even more insightful. You see, I was a bit misconeded at first because the whole reason it seems the Bible endorses spanking is because we think rod means an instrument used for spanking children, however that is really not the case. The Bible verses are about disciplining your children not spanking them. You see shepherds carried rods which were used to guide sheep on the right path. The verses were urging us to discipline our children by guiding them on the right path. Now you have to remember a lot of these verses came from the book of Proverbs and Proverbs is kind of like poetry so using the work rod it was giving a visual image and back then no one was opposed to pysical discipline which is violence and the Bible is anti violence, but pro discipline. So is the Bible essentially saying not to be violent, but discipline. Therefore it would make sense if we disciplined in a non violet way. But how do we do that? That is what my third and final part is about.

    Ok so, yes spanking probably works a lot faster and you probably have to discipline less often, but it is sinning. So what can we do? I am a huge believer in positive reinforcement, but sometimes that doesn’t work. If a child is out of control then a timeout is called for but there is also: loss of privileges, natural consequences, and logical consequences.
    So my stance is violence is wrong hence hitting is wrong no matter what you call it.

    (Please don’t feel like I am being disrepsectful towards you or accusing you of being a terribly person. I promise you I’m not.)

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    • Hi Angela, thank you for your thoughts. The verses in proverbs clearly are speaking of a rod for physical punishment. Proverbs 23:14 says, “You shall BEAT him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell.” Now this isn’t a verse to condone abuse, it’s simply referring to spanking. Other verses show that it should be done for the child’s benefit and in love. But it is corporal punishment, make no mistake. Spanking has been very common throughout history and in societies that use it properly the children are very respectful.

      As far as hypocrisy, you are way off. Is it hypocritical for a police officer to put a kidnapper in jail? Aren’t they kidnapping a kidnapper? Isn’t that hypocrisy? Of course not. The police have authority from the government to punish those who do what is wrong. It would be wrong for me or you to handcuff people and put them in a cage, but the police have a moral obligation to do so. Do you see the difference?

      In the same way, I have the God given authority over my children (and the moral obligation) to raise them properly. The bible says that the rod is the proper way to do this. In fact, if you don’t use the rod, you are disobeying God. Many in America have abandoned God’s method of discipline for their own ideas. What is the result? A highly disrespectful crop of young people, full prisons, and youth that, to their own hurt, have not learned self-discipline.

      The main reason I wrote this blog is because I have so often observed parents who struggle raising their children. They don’t spank their kids because they feel guilty, don’t want to be stigmatized, or they think they will warp the children’s minds. The truth is that children who are spanked properly are the happiest. And so are the parents! Our household is peaceful, our children are happy. However, when I enter a household that doesn’t believe in spankings, what do I observe? Kids undisciplined, parents screaming–chaos. It’s normal now among so many.

      I spank my children very rarely. If you do it right you won’t have to do it much.

      Besides, I don’t want my children to experience natural consequences! That’s precisely why I spank them. Running into the road and getting hit by a car is a natural consequence. Touching the stove and burning the hand is a natural consequence. Playing with fire and burning the house is a natural consequence (something I did as a child!). I spank my kids to save them from natural consequences–hence the reason I do such over vegetables. The natural consequence of not eating properly is DEVASTATING for children. Obesity is epidemic. I don’t want my child to experience that natural consequence. A few stings on the behind is far more moral than the millions of parents who let their child grow fat. That is immoral.

      Spanking is not wrong, nor is it violence. It’s precisely the opposite. It’s the most loving way any parent can discipline their child. How do I know? The bible says so.

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  157. Not sure if anyone is still responding to these comments or not, if so I have a question for Hal or the others that agree in spanking. I have a 3 year old girl who is kinda wise beyond her years. Yet the most trouble I have is with her tantrums. Everytime she can’t have a toy at the store, has to get off the ipad, needs to get her shoes on, get out of the bath, all turn into tantrums. I usually make her sit in time out until she can calm down. Sometimes after she’s put in time out her fits get worse, I usually warn her if she doesn’t calm down soon she’ll be spanked. Then I follow through with her speaking. Should I be waiting as long as it takes her to calm down before I spank her or do it in the midst of the tantrum and explain after she’s calm that’s she’s getting spanked for continuing her fit?

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    • For me, tantrums = spanking. I never allowed them to carry through. They could either stop or get a spanking. It’s amazing how much self control a young child can have if a spanking is involved. As a result, my kids very rarely throw a tantrum. They know that it’s not acceptable in the Chaffee household. It’s funny, too, because when they see other kids throw a tantrum, they look at me and say, “daddy, they need a spanking.” Lol

      Liked by 1 person

  158. Okay, so I actually re-thought my response and I guess I can not say it will never be okay to hit. If you were in a stituation you had to push (or hit) someone for defense then it would not be wrong. So that part of my response was wrong. I even looked through some scripture, and some people in the Bible had to do some violent things. Also, I again looked at verses endorsing pysical punishment and I was very surprised! The Bible did indeed use the word beat and that pretty unarguably means hit. Plus it makes perfect sense that (especially in Proverbs) it would use the word beat because they are generally speaking about discipline and in Bible times that was what discipline was. So my conclusion was the Bible is urging us to discipline and Proverbs is using at what that time was a symbol of discipline to illustrate that. So the verse that says a child should be disciplined and not left to themselves. And a child is clearly left to themself during a time-out. With that verse in mind I also realized isolating your kids as a punishment is wrong, and the only time a time out is okay is when they are out of control and need to calm down. In that case it would be them sitting quietly and really having so real reflection on how they were acting. But if your child is disobeying you then you should discipline, which illustrated in the Bible is physical. However, the reason I disagree with spanking is because the Bible is (in modern words) saying time outs are wrong in cases of disobedience and straight out discipline is better. Yes it’s example of discipline is spanking because that’s how it was at the time. So I believe the Bible is not saying physical discipline is better than non physical discipline, but rather discipline is better than isolation the example of beating is again used so people in Bible times could relate because that was when it was wrote. So then which is right pysical or non pysical discipline and why?

    My stance is non physical. Not because the reason stated in my previous response that they are never cases were violence is tolerable, but because of the hypocrisy surrounding it. (I am only going to use the words hypocritical and hypocrisy in my attempt not to judge or offend anyone. So please anyone reading this or responding to this whether you agree with my stance or not please do not call anyone who spanks a hypocrite because we are by no means at all God and we cannot judge others or think of them by one thing they do. I also apologize for saying that if sounds like spankers sound like hypocrites. From this point on I will only use the words hypocritical and hypocrisy, please do the same.) Anyway, like I mentioned in my earlier response if your going to spank someone for not eating there vegetables it would only make sense that you would spank them for hitting each other. What if your two children are playing together and one hits another on the buttocks with a spoon because after the asked the other one nicely to pick up there share of the mess and they didn’t? Would you spank the one who hit for overstepping their balance and hitting because that would be extremely hypocritical because spanking is doing the same thing except you are the parent and you are stronger? Or would you commend them? I also don’t see how spanking is called for if your daughter refuses to pick up her toys. Because one, you do not even make her do it after she gets spanked. So you are giving her a choice either get spanked or clean up her toys. Now the reason you spank your children is to prepare them for the real world, but in the real world if they were in debt with their house they would lose there house and still have to pay. Also, why do you have to spank her to teach her a lesson? Why can’t she not play with another toy until she picks those ones up? Maybe that would be forcing her to pick them up, but aren’t you either forcing her to pick them up or forcing her to get a spanking? The only time where violence would be okay is if they were really hurting someone (physically) which in an environment where hitting is not a way of solving issues that would very likely never happen, and you had to hit her to avoid people getting hurt then I can see that as acceptable, but to “persuade” her. It just doesn’t make sense. It seems like yes you are “persuading” her not to do it again but there are non physical ways to do that. Plus at the same time you may be persuading her to use violence as a way of resolving conflicts (even if that doesn’t start until they are adults. Also, if she is pysically abused by someone else by taking spanking to extremes then she may not realize it’s abuse because she has been disciplined in a similar just lesser way at home. In addition some studies (although I am not a scientist and did not conduct these studies to know if all variables were taken into account so if these are incorrect by you standards please do not accuse me of skewing the data or providing false information) have shown negative effect on SOME children in SOME cases so there are some things to consider. However I am not going to make a big deal of the studies because I do not know if they are true or not because I’m not a scientist plus I think at least half of them were probably very bias because how do you determine if a child turned out the way they did because of the way they were disciplined?

    Lastly, I would like to end by mentioning what the Golden Rule is. The Golden Rule is; treat others as you would like to be treated. It is not; treat others as you have been treated or treat others the way they have treated you.

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    • I spank my kids BECAUSE of the golden rule. If they were the parents and I were the kid, I would want them to spank me. I’m doing to them exactly as I would want them to do to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  159. Ok. I’m seeing you a little bit. But I also have a question, why do you spank toddlers if they disobey you and then not make them do whatever it is you spanked them for after the spanking is over. In my opinion, if a child was to get spanked for disobedience, then me as a mother, I would say (after they’re calm) “okay, can you please go pick up you toys”
    I understand where your coming from, but wouldn’t it be pointless to spank a child for being disobedient, and then not make them obey that order after you spank them?

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    • The reason I don’t make small toddlers do what I spanked them for is because I don’t want to have to spank them again. If I tell them to do it again and they don’t, I’m forced to spank them again. For a young child, that’s too much. I think it’s better to wait a day before coming back to that issue. When they are older is a different story

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  160. Hey Hal, I was needing advice on something. My neice has repeatedly been spanked for school misbehaviors. Apperently, she refuses to sit down in class and they have a stick chart thingy, where when they’re bad, they have to go and get a stick and put in their pocket on the wall. and then the teacher writes to the parent how their child was that day. Everytime Amelia (my neice) has more than 1 stick, she gets a spanking. A few days ago, she got a spanking and then had to stay in the house for the rest of the day (it was a beautiful day). About a week or so ago, she got a spanking and couldn’t go to her friend’s birthday party and couldn’t go to great wolf lodge with the family, she stayed with me. Personally, I think this is harsh. I get that this is like the up-teenth time she has misbehaved in school but for a 5 year old, a spanking is plenty. As a parent when my child misbehaves in school, I get both sides of the story. Then (unless it’s something major) I tell my daughter “Make this be your warning, misbehave in school again, and you’re getting a spanking”. Fortunately, that’s only happend a few times. Clearly when Amelia is spanked, she isn’t learning. It’s not my place to tell my sister how to raise her child. She’ll let me discipline her if I am watching her, but there have been several times where I was watching Amelia and she should have gotten a spanking but I didn’t spank her because I knew that if she did, she’d get another one from her mother and I think one spanking is enough unless they do it again. Now, my sister isn’t abusing Amelia, otherwise CPS would be on the phone in a heartbeat! But I don’t know what I should do in order to help my sister and her daughter. I have sat Amelia down and tried to figure out why she won’t sit down in school but she’s often too upset and hurt to say anything so I just hold her in my lap and play with her a little bit. Any thoughts?

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    • It sounds like her spankings aren’t meaningful enough. Spankings have to hurt to work. Otherwise it’s just a child getting upset over the idea of getting spanked and they aren’t getting the message.

      Good spankings mean rare spankings. If her spankings are meaningful then they will become much less frequent. That’s why I also recommend using a wooden spoon (or something similar—NOT the hand). They sting bad but make no damage.

      I do agree with you. Spankings are enough—if they’re done right. But it sounds like they are not. And, unfortunately, you are right, there’s not much you can do. Perhaps send her the link to this blog. Hope that helps.

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  161. Right now, I am watching her because she can’t go to school, she’s sick. My sister told me to keep an eye on her illness but to text her if she misbehaves and she’ll come over and give her a spanking.

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  162. To be honest with you, I think the spankings she’s getting are meaningful because a lot of times when she is spanked,she is REALLY crying. Her mom/dad lets her come to me. She loves being around me, In her eyes, I’m like a second mother to her. When she comes to me after a spanking, I’m holding her while she’s crying and talking to her. “Amelia, I know it hurts but you’ve gotta start being good in school”. I almost want to stay with her during the school day and help her but I can’t. I am a senior in college and studying to become a child’s therapist. This inspired me to go into this pathway. She uses a small stick and whacks some-what pretty hard. Amelia’s tears are very real. I just think that she’s not used to not seeing me 24/7 (we all live together) and honestly, it hurts me to hear her getting spanked because I know why her behaviors are like this. My sister has told me, “I don’t like doing this either, but she has to understand that we can’t hold her hand through life 24/7. We can’t be there at school with her, that’s what her teachers are for.

    With your kids, with the situation like this, would you still spank them?

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  163. Hi Hal, my sister Megan showed me your blog when I got home today to my daughter. First of all, I would just like to say, I read through the conversation you had with Megan and I agree with everything you guys talked about except for one thing which I have a follow-up question on. Okay, so, Magan told you that my daughter is frequently spanked. With school issues she is spanked at least twice a week, with home issues, she is spanked maybe once a month, so you can clearly see the difference. I don’t spank her every single time she misbehaves, only when it is something major or she’s being defiant. Her teacher at school has my number, so when she needs to she can call me. Usually she will have Amelia pull a few sticks and then she’ll warn her “pull yourself together or I am calling mommy”. Her teacher is very leanient and if Amelia can pull herself together, she can take the stick out of her pocket. When she comes home I ask her “how many sticks were in your pocket today?” and I expect her to be honest with me because if look in her backpack and see otherwise, she automatically gets extra swats. Now, do I spank her when she only has 1 stick in her pocket? Most of the time, no. If she only had 1 stick, I will tell her to pay attention more in class. Usually, I’ll let 1 stick slide. BUT, if she got 2 or more sticks in her pocket, then yes she does get a spanking because that tells me that after getting one stick, she didn’t care enough to stop her behaviors. I respectfully disagree when you say that my spankings aren’t meaningful enough becaue they are, she’s just not thinking before she acts. I don’t use my hand to spank. I can’t make it hurt with my hand. I use a small thin, and flimsy stick; those sting really bad, I know because that’s what I got to my hind-end when I misbehaved! I usually give her the number of swats that equal to the number of sticks in her pocket not including one, because I usually don’t spank her for one stick. Her typical number is 3 or 4 so she gets 2-3 swats. She screams, cries, begs, and pleads but I still do it because I know that if I let the begging slide, her behaviors will go from bad to worse and they won’t improve. I love on her afterwards and then I ask “we’re going to do better tomorrow aren’t we?”. I don’t expect a hardcore “yes ma’am” and she be perfect the next day all I ask is that she tries as hard as she can to do better. So I agree that the spanking isn’t working but, I disagree that the spanking isn’t hurting enough.
    I’m guessing you have more experience as a parent, so if you have had episodes like this with your kids, I’m open to any advice or recommendations.
    Thanks

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    • It sounds like you are doing a good job. It may just be she’s over excited at school and has a tough time paying attention. I’m sure she’ll grow out of that soon enough. Keep up the good work!

      Liked by 1 person

    • One thing I would add, if she eats a lot of sugar in her breakfast/lunch, try cutting that back (like juice, sugary cereals, treats). I had a tough time paying attention as a child and it was partly due to the amount of orange juice I drank everyday. Perhaps that could help.

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  164. I will definately take that into consideration!

    BTW, would you mind if I email you, I have something very personal, I wanted to talk about and I don’t feel comfortable discussin it publicly.

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  165. Hey, I know you said in another cmment that you have always spanked your kids with a wooden spoon on their bare bottoms, but I have a couple questions about that.
    1. When you get ready to spank a child, do you pull their pants down yourself or have them do it? And after the spanking, do you pul their pants up or do you let them do it?
    2 I also remember reading a comment where you say that you don’t think the bare bottom is absoluetly necessary, so my question is, why do you spank your kids on the bare bottom?

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  166. Hey hal, I highly doubt that your kids do this but, I was wondering what you would do in this situation.
    My daughter is 4. And she is MADLY in love with the “f” word right now. Now, she’s getting it from kids at daycare and bringing it home. Now, somehow, someway, kids pick up that specific word and they know exactly how to use it in a sentence! UGH!!!
    Tonight this is what happened.
    Me: (in the kitchen cooking dinner)
    Aubrey: (walks in) MOMMA!
    Me: What babe?
    Aubrey: Where the f*ck are my stickers?
    Me: What did you just say?
    Aubrey: Well where the f*ck are they?
    Me: I don’t know where your stickers are, but the “f” word is going to STOP. Do you understand me?
    Aubrey: (shrugs and walks out of the room)

    She doesn’t use the word too often but with this type of behavior, would you spank her or would another type of punishment be necessary?

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  167. Also, my other daughter is in pre-school grade and she has a really hard time getting up in the mornings. My husband says “spank her if she refuses to get up” but I don’t know. At night, she reads her book, eats dinner and then goes to bed so, when I get her up, she lays back down and goes to sleep. As a result she’s late, I’m late. Not by a lot but still. I am a phycoloigist so, I have schedualed appointments that I have to be there for.
    What do you think, should I spank her?

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    • Yeah, you could give her a couple chances. Then use the old 123 trick. If she’s not moving when you hit three than a spanking would be in order. If you are consistent, she’ll get up quick!

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  168. I did that with my oldest daughter who is now 12 and a cheerleader (we don’t spank her anymore, she gets grounded), I guess you could say it worked.
    But, question.
    We spank our 4 and 5 year old (and we spanked our now, 12 year old, when she was little) with a wooden spoon. So, when it comes to situations like that, we’ll say “I’m going to get the spoon”. So when I tried that with my 12 year old when she was in Kindergarden, I’d go get the spoon and come back and she’s running around her room pulling her clothes out of her drawers saying “I’m up, I’m up, I’m up.!” Kaitlyn (my four year old) and Hailey (my 12 year old) are two peas in a pod-lol. So I have no doubt that Kailtyn will do the same thing because she does that already when I ask her to do something and she refuses.
    Here’s my question,
    If that happens and I come back with the spoon and she’s saying “I’m up” a million times, would it be too late for her to have gotten up, or should I let her slide, unless she lays back down?
    What would be a good response for her?

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    • My rule is that I do what I say I’m going do. If I say I’m going to spank at the count of three, I do. Because of that, I’m real careful not to threaten a spanking unless I’m going to carry through. So my advice would be to decide where you are drawing the line and then stick with that. If you do, they will learn not to cross it. If you let them push the line, they’ll keep doing it and doing it. If you don’t want to do the 123 thing, you could say, ‘I’m going to get the wooden, if your feet aren’t on the floor when I get back, you’re getting a spanking,” or something like that. Whatever works best for you.

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  169. Doesn’t your daughter fight with you hold her pants/underwear so you can’t pull them down? ? Doesn’t she cover with her hands so you can’t give her anymore swats? The reason why I ask is cause I know a 7yr old who fights holds the waist band of his pants/underwear so his mom can’t get them down and he covers with his hands. Plus he fights till he is on his stomach laying on the floor. Is this typical just asking? ?

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    • Yeah it’s typical. I tell them that they get more swats if they don’t cooperate. I raise the swats a few times. And then if they still resist you just have to hold them still. You can also lightly wack their hands. They’ll move them in a hurry.

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  170. Hey Hal, I was wanting to get your advice on whether or not we should spank our daughter. Let’s start from the beggining and I’ll breifly describe the sisuation so that this all makes sense. About a month and a half ago, my husband was the vice president of UPS. Unfortunately, he lost his job due to company-wide layoffs. I (at the time) was a stay at home mom. It was a really tough situation and our hands were tied. I was pregnant, (I still am. 25 weeks) we had a 3 year old and and 1 and a half year old, so we were going to have to find some way to make an income that will not only support our family but our taxes and bills. I decided that the only way that we could make just enough money was to go back to work. It was hard, I didn’t want to do it. Now, I am a state lawyer and so I could go back to that job. With this decision we were going to have to put Mia (my 3 year old) and Braxton (my 1 and half year old) in daycare. Daycares around our town are expensive but we had to do it. The first day was hard. Braxton was fine but Mia screamed bloody murder. I tell her “I’l be back sweetie it’s okay” but it didn’t work. Apperently, while she’s at daycare, she refuses to do anything. I drop her off at around 7 am and pick her up at around 3:30. She’s been in daycare for almost 2 months and she contiues the fits. We talked about spanking her because she would run out of the class and grab on to my waist. However, we’re not really sure about that. Any thoughts or reccomendations?

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    • Sorry to hear about your situation! Im sure it’s tough for your daughter. She just wants to be with you. It may be that she’s still adjusting.

      Are the daycare workers having behavioral problems with her? If not, then I don’t think you need to spank her. Just hug her and kiss her and put her behind the door and let her cry. She should adjust eventually. I’m sure the day care workers are used to that sort of thing.

      If it gets really out of hand, then a spanking may be necessary. But it’s hard for me to say. Pray for wisdom and use the judgement the Lord has given you. God Bless

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  171. Hey Hal, we are having a serious problem with our son lying to us. He’s . Anyway, he doesn’t necessarily lie about everything, but alot of times it’s small things he lies about. For example eating the last brownie, not cleaning his room,etc. However, he does lie about big things. Breaking his sister’s toy, going outside, hitting, etc. This has become a weekly occurance and we’ve had enough. Another problem we have is him saying that others are lying. He has said many, many, many times that his pre-school teacher is lying on him trying to get him in trouble, or his sister pushed him down the stairs and said he pushed her. Usually, we’ll get both sides and talk about it before we jump to any conclusions. However, most of the time, we know that he is the one lying. So ultimately, we have two questions.
    1. How do you punish for lying?
    2. If a spanking isn’t necessary for a behavior and a child still lies about it, do they still get a spanking?

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    • Hi Jose, hardly anything bothers me more than lying! I hate when my kids lie to me! I always spank them for lying.

      Here’s what I do: because kids usually lie to stay out of trouble, I’m sure to emphasize to them that they are getting extra trouble because they lied. So I let them know that I’m spanking them x many times for what they did and x many times for lying about. In all, I don’t let that add up to more than about 5 swats (especially for a 4 yr old). Or if it’s just for lying, tell them that you are spanking them specially for that.

      However, you do have to be careful. I’m glad to hear that you examine the case to make sure it’s a lie. Better to let them off the hook a time or two than to spank them for telling the truth. But when I know for sure it’s a lie, then they get spanked whether they come clean or not.

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    • It also may be a good idea to give a few warnings if he lies about little things. You don’t want to be spanking him everyday. You could say, ‘I know you lied to me. Don’t do that. Next time will be a spanking.’ Something like that.

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  172. Yeah, I get that, but here’s the thing, when he lies and we know he is lying, he will continue to say ” I didn’t do it. Why are you spanking me, she did it.”

    A lot of times though he gives an attitude.
    “You are NOT going to spank me because that ain’t fair” We add up swats for him as long as he continues to argue but he won’t budge. With my wife (god bless the poor thing) she gets tired of going back and forth with him, and she’s like “just forget it. Jose, let it go, there’s no point in arguing with him, it doesn’t solve anything.” She’ll tell him go to his room and to not come out. I don’t have much of a problem with that (because she’s right, there is no point in arguing), but here’s what I DO have a BIG problem with…
    He stomps up stairs (when I say “stomp” I mean STOMP”) and slams his door as hard as he can and screams to the top of his lungs. This stresses my wife out tremendously.
    What would you recommend doing about this?to

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    • I don’t think you need to try to get a confession out of him. If you know he’s lying, then spank him and be done with it. Reassure your love to him and let him know how important it is to be honest.

      As far as the attitude, don’t let him get away with having it. It needs to be met with a punishment. I tell my kids that it is not an appropriate way to speak to me or their mother. I spank for that if need be.

      Also, make sure the spankings sting real good when you do them. Use a wooden spoon or something. If the spankings sting like they should, he’ll learn to fear the wooden spoon and shape up quick.

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  173. Hal, I don’t know how you spank your kids but I got hit with a wooden spoon 😦 not like a little tap either. Full on hit over and over. I would never do that to my child!

    You can lend me some feedback if you want Im not one of those who shun other people’s opinion

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    • I do a wooden spoon on the rear. I only ever do two or three swats. Sometimes it’ll add up to more if need be, but I have never got up over 5. I haven’t needed more than that.

      Unfortunately, some people go way overboard. They need to stop. Spankings are appropriate and needed, but going overboard is why people go to the other end of the ditch.

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  174. Hey Hal, i believe in spanking when it is absouluetly necessary but why spank younger ones?
    In my persective wouldn’t you be sending the younger ones mixed messages when you spank them (because spanking hurts) and the telling them you love them?

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    • Hi Bethany. I think it is necessary. You know, shots hurt, but we forcible hold our children down so a stranger can stick them with a needle. Why do we do that? It’s precisely because we love our children. We believe it is potential a life saver.

      It’s very similar to the reason I spank my kids. I do it for their sake because I love them. As long as you are the kind of parent that shows love consistently to your children on a daily basis, they won’t be confused. I know that spankings teach them self discipline—a trait that can bring them lasting happiness as an child and an adult. Their happiness on the long term is more important to me than their rear end hurting for a few seconds.

      If you don’t spank your kids, you are going to have a difficult time with your children. There will be lots of yelling and screaming and doors slamming. My household is full of peace. And I very rarely spank my kids. Maybe once a month or so. The older ones I haven’t spanked in years. Why? Because I spanked them as necessary when they were little.

      Of course, some people go overboard, but no need for that. A few tough-love spankings when necessary is all you need.

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  175. I ahree with you Hal. Kids do need spankings just like they do need shots. But one question I’ve always asked is,
    Is it the parents’ fault if their child goes to Hell?

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    • No, but they are accountable for how they raise them. God commands us to spank our kids so we can train them on how to avoid both Hell on earth and Hell thereafter.

      However, people make their own decisions. There are wonderful people who are so despite having terrible parents (like Josiah). There are also terrible people who had wonderful parents (like Samuel’s sons). I’ve met some of both.

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  176. Hey Hal, I wanted to say that I agree with your blog. My husband and I have spanked our 4 year old daughter with a wooden spoon and it has been effective. But I do have a few questions.
    1. I know you said that you always spank your kids with a wooden soon on their bare bottom, but have there ever been cases where they beg not get spanked on the bare bottom?
    My daughter is spanked on the bare bottom and over her underwear. It all depends on what she did. If it was a fairly minor offense, we only spank her over the underwear. If it was something more than that (like defiance, lying, or hitting, etc.) then we’ll say “you’re getting a spanking with your underwear down” Recently, she has started to beg us not to pull down her underwear. As far as cooperating, she does fine (better than her sister) however, when she knows she is getting a spanking on the bare bottom, she starts begging “no, mommy” (or daddy) “please don’t pull my underwear down, please!” We’re just wondering if this is typical.

    2. If so, would you allow that? If not, what would be a good response beides just saying “no”.

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    • I’d say just leave it on. With the right flick of the wrist, a wooden spoon is still going to sting over underwear. Instead of pulling underwear down for a more serious offense, try add another swat or something.

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  177. My daughter came in crying today and said that my son called her a bad name, she said “mommy, he needs a spanking, he called me a bad name and hurt my felwins!”-lol. Anyway so, I said “what did he say”? She said “I can’t say it out loud cuz then i’ll get a spanking” I said “well, then come whisper it in my ear”. You will NEVER guess what she said. She said “mommy, he called me a provider”. I’m like “he called you a what now”? “A provider mommy, he called me a provider”.

    It’s amazing how kids know what to do in that situation. Me and my husband have been joking back and forth, we still can’t figure out what my son was trying to say or if my daughter mispronounced the name. But it’s halarious though!

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  178. They really are, I told my son “don’t call your sister a provider again”. He gave me this look like “what are you talking about”? Lol!

    Liked by 1 person

  179. A few weeks ago, we started giving my daughter options and sometimes she’d chose a spanking and sometimes she’d add spanking to the list. Well we’d go along with it and when it came right down to it she would change her mind. She’s 4 BTW. Anyway so after she realized “hey, i’m actually going to get a spanking”, she’d say “wait…I don’t want a spanking” and immediately start crying. It’s happened several times and the reason she chooses a spanking is because she doesn’t want the other options “no allowance, extra chores, grounding, sentences, etc). So when it boiled down to the bottom line, she didn’t want a spanking nor did she/would she choose another punishment. So here are my questions…
    1. In a situation like that, would you let your kids change their mind at the last minute? What would be your response?
    2.What would you do if they don’t want any of the listed punishments you give and they won’t give you an answer. What punishment would you give for a 4 year old?

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    • I wouldn’t give her an option. I think spankings are best for four year olds. For girls, when they are a bit older, different options would be appropriate.

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      • Ok, i understand that but for her, after the spanking, its really hard for her to calm down so we’re trying to let her by without a spanking sometimes just because she has a very hard time with it

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  180. For a 4 year old, I would just go on and spank her. I get where you’re coming from, my daughter has also done that in the past. he didn’t think that we would actually spank her, But we would get home and we would say “Come here Abby, so you get your spanking.” Once she realized that we were being serious, she took advantage of the options thing and she would never choose a the spanking” Now, there were times where she would be like “No, wait, I want an early bed time, I don’t want a spanking”. We gave her options pretty often once she about 5, however, if she chose a spanking that is what she would get We’d say “there’ s no second chances, you chose a spanking and that is your punishment”. She eventually learned that we say what we mean and mean what we say, and the next time we gave her options, she didn’t choose a spanking (which was always on the list).

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  181. I totally respect your opinion and also totally disagree. You are a very young man (Hal) and I think some people tend to think if you don’t spank your kids you are not disciplining them. There are many forms of discipline. I think when you inflict pain on your kids (as you say you hit them “hard”) you teach them that violence and aggression is the way of the world as they grow. Taking away privileges works just as well and you don’t have to physically inflict pain on anyone. It takes more time to actually talk to them and take away something they really like than to go for the spanking. A little swat on the butt is one this but hitting your kids on their bare butts (hard) is mean spirited and in my opinion a type of bullying. If you don’t do what I say I’m going to hurt you…..That is wrong in my humble and much older opinion.

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    • Hi Emily. I’m only sharing what wisest man who ever lived (besides Jesus) wrote as he was inspired by the Holy Spirit. These aren’t my ideas.

      ‘Hard’ is a relative term. It’s not hard on the sense that it would do damage, but in the sense that it stings. I’m pretty sure I made that clear in the blog (I need to go back in read it; it’s been a while). I put it in there because so many think that a pat on the butt is going to do the trick. It’s not.

      Spankings are absolutely necessary. I’m saddened at the amount of disrespect and lack of discipline that is prevlent in this society. It’s because of this observation that I wrote this blog.

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  182. Hal, we are having some issues with our 4 1/2 year old daughter. Now, she’s my first born so she’s not terrible but the thing is, she has been getting into stuff a lot lately, We dont know how to resolve this problem and were wondering if a spanking is necessary.

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    • Hi Kelly, it’s hard to know what you mean by ‘getting into stuff.’ is she doing what you ask her to do? If not, she is directly defying you. If that’s the case, a spanking is probably in order.

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  183. Hey Hal, I know you said that you give your kids extra swats for lying but I have a situation with my daughter who just turned 4. She has been lying to us lately and we have sat her down and asked her why she has suddenly started to lie. She sys because most of the time she is scared of the truth and she doesn’t want any trouble. We’ve tried the whole “lying= double trouble” or-deal however she is not getting it. Last night she had lied to me about something and I said “let’s wait for daddy to come home and we’ll talk about it” She started screaming and crying saying “no, please.” because she knew she was going to get more and harder swats. My husband got home and when we talked about it and he said “Amelia honey, I know you’re scared to tell the truth sometimes but I have to spank you because you have to learn that lying is really bad sweetheart” She immediately grabbed on to me and said “no…im really sorry please. ” I put my arm around her and said “baby, it’ll be okay, you just have to learn to always tell the truth because if you come forth about what you did, you won’t get into more trouble”. The crying, begging, and pleading continued for about 4 or 5 minutes and my husband took her out of my lap (with her trying to hold on to me) and spanked her. We never have a problem getting a confession out of her lying but the problem we have is the begging and pleading, and the “im sorry, i won’t do it again”. We are quite frustrated with the lying but at the same time, we don’t know if we should beleive that the thought of getting a worse spanking will scare her enough to not lie anymore. We’ve only had a few incidents. And these have been few and far between.

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    • I think youre doing the right thing. No need to go too heavy handed on her. One extra swat for lying is probably enough. So, you could do one or two swats for the crime and one for lying. Just be sure to mention that the extra one is for lying.

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  184. WOW!! Over 400 comments,
    Spanking is definately necessary! My wife is very small and can’t seem to use enough force when she spanks the kids, so I am always there to back her up and spank thee kids. They know that when they disobey mommy, they diobey daddy as well and they are trained well enough to know that that’s not something that they want. I agree with you 100%. My kids know for a fact that if they choose to misbehave then they had better be ready for the consequences. I have 2 daughters and 2 sons. My daughters aren’t spanked much anymore because they have gotten all they need from spankings and they are completely self disciplined even at 9 and 12 years old and it’s incredible how they use their mind!
    My two sons, well, they’re a little bit of a hastle but i’m sure to be consistent and their behaviors are getting better every single day! My wife and our kids are at peace and we all love each other so much! My sons are 3 and 6 ad they know the process, you disobey, you get a spanking and that is almost always locked in their mind.

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  185. This is Makayla’s brother BTW, my name is Mike, I used her phone to write this when she showed it to me.

    But yeah, she definately does have her hands tied! I wasn’t sure if you had some advice for her

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  186. Hal, I don’t know if you have experience with this or not, but my daughter just turned 3 and she has started to grow an independance side of her and honestly, it’s scaring me and my husband to death. If she decides she wants to go outside, she goes outside. Unsupervised, no one there to watch her. We’ve tried the child saftery locks but she’s smarter than you may think and she knows exactly how to get it off. We live in a two story house and she can even find her way down the stairs without hurting herself and out the door sh goes. A few times we have caught her otherwise she does it when our backs are turned. It got to the point where if we needed to get something done (for example clean the house) we would put her in the playroom behind a gate. It workedfor a little bit until she realized “wait, now I can’t go outside” she would scream bloody murder. She’s tried to climb the gate do anything she could. A few weeks ago, my husband was doing some yard work and heard her screaming from inside the house. he goes in picks her up and puts her in her crib and tells her that she has earned herself some nap time, It didn’t work. the screaming got worse and when I got home all I heard was her screaming. Typically, if she carried on with the screaming, we will have her take a nap so I didn’t really want to take her out of that punishment. I went in the room to talk to her and she would not stop crying and listen so I left the screaming got worse. My husband went in there and said “that is enough, you either stop crying, or you’re getting a spanking”. Ultimately what I am getting at is we can’t have a constant eye on her to where we can make sure she is safe. My two other children learned very quickly that if we put them in the playroom with a gate, then we have to do some things and they need to stay in there and play. Rayleigh is vastly different and we don’t know of a spanking is necessary or not. We’ve never had this issue so we don’t know what to do. Any advice?

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    • This is precisely why spankings are so important. My daughter did this once and it scared the fire out of me. We lived in a fairly busy area and she got out of the back door. She was about three, as well. She got a lecture, a spanking, and another lecture about more spankings that she would get if she did it again.

      You should definitely spank her for doing that. And make sure it stings.

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  187. Yeah, I definately know the fear. The first time she did that I had left the kitchen for a split second and when I came back she was gone. I asked my husband, I said “where’s Rayleigh?!?!?” He siad “I thought she was with you.
    I thought I was going to have a heart attack, where was she? Out back rising her bike down the driveway!

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  188. Hal, I agree with everything you wrote in this blog but I have a question if you don’t mind. My daughter is almost 4, she is definitely accountable and responsible. She makes mistakes from time to time and when it is needed, we will give her a spanking with a wooden spoon. Spanking her has been effective and she learns very quickly how our discipline routine works. However. like I said before she is accountable and we have yet to have a problem with her not taking responsibility for her actions. Over the past few weeks there have been instances where she would come to me or my husband and tell us that she did something wrong. There have been two cases where she has done something that usually receives a spanking. For example, last night she came to me with tears welled in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said “mommy, I did something bad”. She said that she went into her sister’s room (without getting permission), she used her sister’s iPod and downloaded all kinds of games. We usually spank our kids when they go in each other’s room or use/take something of the others. I told her to go get the ipod and delete the games and while she did that, me and my husband were debating on whether or not she should be spanked. I voted “she came to us and told us what she did, so, we shouldn’t”. He said “we should most definitely praise her and appreciate her honesty but she should still be spanked because she broke two rules. Maybe instead of giving her the usual 4 swats, she should only get half of the usual number (2) because she came to us and was open and honest.” I kind of shrugged in partial agreement but was not 100% sure. By the time she came down stairs she had tears rolling down her cheeks and she came up to me, hugged me tightly, and said “mommy…am I going to get a spanking.” We didn’t have a straight answer for her. We did not know what to do because me and him weren’t exactly on the smae page as to how the situation should be handled.. If she were to do it again or another behavior that usually gets a spanking, should she get a spanking even if she comes up and tells us what she did before we find out what she did..

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    • You have to take instances like that on a case to case basis. If they seem to be genuinely sorry and it’s the first time they did it, I wouldn’t spank them. Instead I would praise their honesty but warn them that if it happened again that they would still get a spanking. Then have them sincerely apologize. However, if it seems like they are just confessing to get out of a spanking then I would still spank them.

      But there’s no straight rule on this kind of stuff. You just need to use your judgment the best you can.

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  189. Yeah, last night, in my opinion, was both. I could tell that she was sorry but we knew that she didt want to get a spanking even thought she broke two of the rules. In your opinion, because this has happened a few times, it were to happen again, should she get a spanking. A lot of times, she expresses that she is very sorry, and she’ll say it, but still wants out of a spanking.

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  190. I’m a first time mom and I read this blog mainly because my daughter just turned 2 and we’re having to start disciplining her. It’s not that she is totally defiant or anything major she just craves attention and she does not like going to daycare. Her daycare teachers have reported some defiance, but they say that she usually pulls herself together. On several occasions when I have gone to pick her up, she was in the timeout square.I usually don’t get there to pick her up until 6:30 because me and my husband both work 12 hour shifts 4 times a week. I know what the problem is we just can’t agree on what to do about it because we are financially supporting each other and a toddler on top of that. Her main behavioral problems that we deal with are tantrums. We usually put her down to bed after 10 minutes of trying to get her to calm down which makes matters worse. After about 5-10 minutes I will go lay down with her for a bit but she always wants me to sleep with her. We have our hands tied and don’t know what to do. Do you think it’s okay to spank her for her tantrums and defiance at daycare? We are open to any advice, thank you!

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    • Hi Brie, my first recommendation would be to stay home with her. I know that’s not always possible so don’t feel guilty if you can’t. But sometimes if you are willing to change your lifestyle, etc, it can be possible. I’m sure a lot of the problem is that she wants to be with mommy.

      As far bed time, we always let our kids cry themselves to sleep. It usually didn’t last long once they realized that their screaming wasn’t going to work. Just give her lots of love and say it’s time for bed. If my kids got out of bed I would put them back and tell them that if they got out of bed again they would get a spanking. For the first few nights they might scream for a long time, but soon enough they will learn that it doesn’t work. All of our kids (8, 6, 4, 2) go straight to bed with no problem. We did this with all of them. You need to have time at night with your husband so it’s important that she goes to bed.

      As far as daycare issues, it’s hard to say. If she’s old enough to make the connection then it should be fine. If not, it might be better just to let the daycare deal with it the way that they do.

      But I definitely spank my kids if they don’t stop their tantrum at home. That’s doesn’t fly at our house. They have to pull themselves together or they get a spanking. It’s amazing how much self discipline even a two year old can have when the threat of a spanking is involved.

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  191. Hal, in previous comments, you have mentioned that singapore spanks males, and doing some research I found this video… It’s disturbing, but I’d encourage you watch it.

    This video shows the outcome of bad behavior, but In my opinion, no one besides the parent has the right to spank a child. In this video, the mother pretended to text so she could record her son being spanked with a big paddle by a female administrator and held down by another female AP. The mother is threatned with jail so she does nothing to stop them even though she knew it was wrong.

    Now, Im not saying that spanking isn’t necessary, but if I were that parent, I would demand that they let him go and I will spank him if I feel the need.
    Ultimately, I am curious to hear your thoughts about non-parental corporal punishment in school.

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    • Wow, this is a terrible mother. These school officials did a very professional job of spanking him. And only one time! He clearly needs more than that. I can predict this child’s future and, unless things change, it’s not going to be good. And it will be largely his father and mother to blame.

      I have no problem with corporal punishment at schools. Mothers like this one is precisely the reason we need it.

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  192. Ok, I can see where you’re coming from on that, I agree. He definately did need more than 1 swat.
    I don’t know if you’re familar with supernanny or not but this is her bedtime routine.

    I personally don’t agree with it because my kids know when i turn that light out and close the door, it is bedtime and if they come out, they’ll be in big trouble!

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    • that’s exhausting. I put my kids back in bed one time. Love and kisses and a warning that they get out of bed again they will get a spanking.

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  193. Agreed. My wife said well lets try, and i’m like you can, im not. After the first night she was like nevermind i’m done.LOL.

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  194. Well, in my defense, I thought it wuld work! You should’ve seen me, after like the 5th time putting him back in bed, I ran into the room, jumped in the bed and said “SCREW IT!!!!! I’ve put him back 1000 times and he won’t stay there, I”M DONE!!”
    Then Brad decides to say “should’ve listened to me” I was like “you hush”, lol…even i laughed at myself that night.

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  195. Hal, don’t worry me and her play fight all the time! It actually gets pretty funny because she gets SO mad when I win!

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  196. Hal, my daughter has started getting spankings just recently and she has learned how it works. I wanted to get your feedback because before she gets a spanking she tries everything she can to get out of it. She screams, cries, begs, and pleads with us. Her most common responses are,
    “Daddy please i’m sorry, I won’t do it again!”
    “one more chance please!”
    “I forgot”
    “I promise ‘ll be good”
    I wanted to see what responses you would give to these. Some parents that I have talked to say that they don’t respond to the child they just spank them, and others have said that they tell them that they are getting a spanking reguardless.
    This is a really gret blog and so I wanted to get your thoughts on how we should handle this situation.
    She just turned 3 by the way.

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    • Hi Dawson, I aim to always do what I say. I try to be careful to only mention a spanking when I mean it. And if they cross the line I always carry through, no matter how much crying or begging they do. It’s important for them to know that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. If you stay consistent, they’ll think twice next time they try to test you.

      When they beg and cry, I say, ‘I love you but you’re still getting a spanking.’

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  197. That almost never works for me, don’t get me wrong, she’s pretty well behaved but my wife HATES it when she has to get a spanking, I can see the way it affects her when Kaitlyn is begging and crying. Kailtyn just doesn’t want to accept it. Now she’s three so that’s predictable but at the same time is emotionally overwhelming for my wife to have to listen to all that screaming and crying.

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  198. Hey Hal, I wanted to say that I agree with your blog. My husband and I have spanked our 4 year old daughter with a wooden spoon and it has been effective. But I do have a few questions.
    1. I know you said that you always spank your kids with a wooden soon on their bare bottom, but have there ever been cases where they beg not get spanked on the bare bottom?
    My daughter is spanked on the bare bottom and over her underwear. It all depends on what she did. If it was a fairly minor offense, we only spank her over the underwear. If it was something more than that (like defiance, lying, or hitting, etc.) then we’ll say “you’re getting a spanking with your underwear down” Recently, she has started to beg us not to pull down her underwear. As far as cooperating, she does fine (better than her sister) however, when she knows she is getting a spanking on the bare bottom, she starts begging “no, mommy” (or daddy) “please don’t pull my underwear down, please!” We’re just wondering if this is typical.

    2. If so, would you allow that? If not, what would be a good response beides just saying “no”.

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  199. This is why I never watch Supernanny and I don’t encourage others to either. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.Timeout?-uh uh…not gonna happen-not in my house anyway! This little boy doesn’t need timeouts or an early bed time, he NEEDS a real good spanking. I’d encourage anyone out there to watch this because I agree with Hal 100%. I’m not saying watch the whole thing because I didn’t even finish it.

    If my kids ever did anything like this, they would know straight up what was going to happen, and, just like Hal, my kids are very well behaved, and they are rewarded often!

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  200. Hal, me and my husband have started to have problems with our daughter not eating. Before I go into more detail,let me just say that she doesn’t sit around eating junk food all the time. She just turned four. there have been occasions where we’ll say “Aubree, you need to come and eat baby” and she’ll say “i’m not hungry”. She eats a pretty good breakfast in the mornings but barely touches her lunch. At dinner time, she flat out says ”I’m not hungry”. We will often say “If you’re not hungry, that’s fine, but you need to eat, she just says “mommy, i’m really not hungry”. We don’t know what the deal is but it’s become a nightly occurrence and she had problems with anorexia when she was born because she was born prematurely. Anyway, so a lot of times when she says ‘i’m not hungry, it’s because she is playing with toys, watching Tv, etc. Our main point is we don’t know if she should be disciplined or not,
    We’ve notified the doctor and ran some tests but all the results came back fine, he said she’s just not wanting to eat. Ultimately, our hands are tied on what to do. At four years old, we know it isn’t healthy for her but at the same time, we don’t know if disciplining her would be the right route to take. Any recommendations?

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    • Hi Krista, do you guys all sit down together for dinner? If not, make it a practice. Shut everything down and require her to be at the table. As far as disciplining her if she doesn’t eat, it’s hard to give you any straight suggestions. I probably would try that with my kids, but I know my kids and I don’t know yours. If she’s used to being spanked then it probably would work, if not, it could make things worse. It’s hard to say.

      I would definitely try turning everything off and forbidding her to play until she eats a little. Even if it’s just three bits or something to begin with.

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  201. Hal, me and my wife have been trying to seek advice because our daughter does get spankings from time to time however when she gets a spanking, she has trouble accepting that she is getting consequences. She often begs and pleads and says “PLEASE I’m sorry” or it hurts daddy/mommy please no”! As far as cooperation or behavior in general, there’s not a lot of issues, however she screams bloody murder and we’ll fight with her trying to get her to calm down and take her punishment, when it’s all said and done she is eventually okay, my wife has a hard time being consistent because she doesn’t want to have to listen to her beg and cry. Is there any advice you could offer?

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    • I think its important to be consistent. If she needs a spanking, spank her. She needs to know that if she’s crossed the line that no amount of begging and screaming and crying is going to help, because that’s the reality of adulthood (which is what you are preparing her for). Affirm your love for her, but follow through.

      If you spank her the few times she needs it, youll have to spank her less and less. My girls are 8 and 6; I haven’t spanked my oldest one in years and my younger in over a year. With girls it is probably good to stop spanking around that time. Other types of punishments are sufficient, in my opinion.

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  202. Hey Hal, I know you’ve said that you have young children who haven’t reached their teenage years yet, but we were wondering if you could offer our family some advice because my daughter Emma just turned 16 and has had a very rough several weeks. On Instagram, people started cyberbullying her and calling her names. It continued for weeks and once I heard about it, I printed the messages and comments people had posted to take to her principle. There I got no help, the guidance counselor offered
    to meet with her but they couldn’t do anything about it because the incidents occurred off school premises, so after the bullying got worse, i went to the police, again no luck. It got to the point where I had her take down her profile, She agreed but the bullying continued. a few weeks ago, her best friend called me freaking out because Emma had posted a video online and then wouldn’t answer her phone. It boiled down to Katelyn saying “I think she’s trying to kill herself!” I called 911 as we both rushed to my house. Katelyn found Emma in the bathroom trying to pen a pill bottle. She was taken to the hospital and monitored over night. Since, she hasn’t gone back to school (she says she’s never going back). She is constantly sleeping (from her meds) and she says she’s fine but she won’t talk o any one of us or a support group. Ultimately, we’re having trouble getting her to open up and talk to us. Is ere any advice you can offer, or would you be willing to try to talk to her, anything will help at this point!

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  203. Hal, my daughter isn’t spanked that often but when she is spanked, it’s a little bit of a struggle. She doesn’t resist the spanking, or put her hands in the way or anything like that but this is what happens. As soon as she gets the first swat, she jumps and kicks her legs while screaming and crying. We have told her “stay still” but in my opinion, I think it’s hard for her to do that even though in reality, we really aren’t smacking that hard. (She’s 4 1/5). She’s fine as of behavior afterward but the problem we’re having is the kicking. What would you recommend doing in this situation. What response would you give or what would you do?

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    • Hi Danielle. Try sitting down and standing her between your legs. Then she can bend one way or the other and you can squeeze her legs between yours. That should do the trick.

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  204. Hal I appreciate you being so confident in such topics. Spanking has become such a necessity these days and i have heard of people being reported to state troopers for spanking their children! It’s crazy, I mean I work in a high school and those kids are SOO cruel!! They get into fights, use profanity, etc. I have thought in my head “man, if that was my daughter, she’d get a real good spanking! (she just turned 3) . Kids need it and honestly, I hate to say it but sometimes I feel like even teenagers need to be spanked!
    However, If you don’t mind me and my wife have a few questions!
    1, At what age do you recommend start/stop spanking kids?
    2. What if when you start, they don’t understand what is going on?
    3. If a child is told to go to bed and you catch him/her still awake hours later, we’re talking a 4 year old (my son), how would you recommend dealing with this situation?

    Once again, great blog!!

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    • Hi Daniel. I agree! There are a lot of teenagers that need a good spanking! It’s such a shame that their parents didnt spank them when they were younger. I’m appalled at the amount of disrespect young people have for their elders. It breaks my heart.

      1. I started with my kids when they started to do dangerous things (like reach for an electrical outlet). I would give their hand a little smack and say “no!”. Besides that, I would do my best to gauge how well they understood me. When they got to the point where I knew they understood me yet did not listen, I would start to spank them. I started with a little smack on the hand and then moved up from there. I don’t think I used a wooden spoon on any of them until they were over two, and then only one little smack on the leg. For girls I’d recommend spanking then until around 6 or 7. Maybe sooner, maybe later. But I see no good reason to spank girls much older than that. As for boys, I’ll spank mine up until they’re 18 if need be (but only because they’re used to it; I would have a hard time recommending spankings for a teen who isn’t used to it–not sure how that would work out).

      2. Kids are smart. Spankings are a great way to tell if they understand. Sometimes Id tell my two year old something and he wouldnt do it. I was unsure if he understood. Then I’d say “get moving or I’m getting the wooden spoon.” I’m always amazed at how much a two year old can understand when a wooden spoon is involved! He’d get right to it!

      3. I always give a warning or two, then a spanking–that is, if theyre messing around. It may be that you just need to run him more before bed to get him tired!

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  205. Yeah, I agree, and going back to the teenager thing. I know two seniors who have been arrested for drunk driving, one was a girl who was always polite and respectful even when waned to scream and yell and give up on everything. She was scared to death when getting arrested but again she was cooperative and let everything be the way it was coming! She did her time, learned lesson, and as far as i am aware of,she’s in 3 AP classes! The other well, not so much! He wasn’t cooperative and he’s a show off in my class, several times he has gotten too worked up that i sent him out! This boy is still sitting in jail today after 6 months of being there. Unfortunately, yes even the most well behaved teens still make mistakes and they experience the real consequences (not just a few whacks on their behind). You can clearly see the vast difference in disciplined and undisciplined! The girl came back to my class and said “Mr. Evans, I must say… going to jail and facing reality has really shaped me up, I will NEVER get behind that wheel again with even a drop of alcohol in my system” I gave her a big hug and said “that’s great!” And since she has been an absolute ANGEL!!
    If only more teens were like this!

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  206. Hal, I have a question that is from your other article on spanking.

    ” 2. You should use a rod that is dedicated to that purpose. This is so the child can recognize it as a measure for punishment and so that it will hurt when you use it. If it doesn’t cause your child pain when you are doing it, and if it doesn’t cause them to cry, then you aren’t doing it right.”

    I believe in spanking. We have spanked our kids since they were 2 1/2.
    But my question is…why does the child have to cry as a result from the spanking? My sons whines a little when my husband spanks him and maybe he’ll say “ow” when I spank him. Our spankings hurt. My daughter cries but she is 3.

    I don’t know how your kids react to the spankings you give, but why is it important for the child to cry during/after the spanking?

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    • Are spankings working for you? If so, then great. If not, it could be because it’s not stinging like it should. I’m not sure how old your son is, but, in my experience, children tend to cry at the slightest bit of pain. Unless your son is a much older child, it’s hard for me to believe that it hurts him if he doesn’t cry. And if it doesn’t hurt, it’s not going to work. This doesn’t mean you need to beat the tar out of him; I only swat my kids once or twice, or maybe three times at each instance, but I make sure that it stings. For my kids, even the mention of a spanking brings the tears.

      But if he listens well, then praise the Lord, no need to change anything. He’s just a tough kid.

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  207. Hal I have a really quick question.
    Obviously the kids are going to be upset when you tell that they are going to have to get a spanking because they know that spankings hurt.
    Do you ever have a problem with the kids resisting the spanking? What I mean by this is do they ever hesitate to walk with you to the room where they will be spanked? If so, how do you deal with this?

    The reason why I ask is because my daughter does this. I never really have a problem with her fighting during the spanking, it’s just before we give her a spanking she kind of shuts down in tears and curls up on the couch. This makes it hard to carry her anywhere. Sometimes my wife will be able to talk to her and convince her to take the spanking and then she can go to her when the spanking is over.

    I am patient with her so I don’t just snatch her up and take her in to spank her. We usually talk to her and tell her that the sooner she comes with daddy (or mommy) the sooner it will be over. Sometimes it doesn’t take long.

    My ultimate question here is what would you recommend doing in this situation if it does start to take longer? It feels like every time she has to get a spanking, it takes longer and longer for her to come with me.

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  208. Hal, I know you don’t know me but I have a personal story to tell you. Me and my wife Sydney found out we were pregnant back in January. In April, she had a miscarriage at 22 weeks.Ever since she has blamed herself for the the death of our baby.You may be wondering, “why is he talking about losing a baby on an article about spanking?” Well, we have a 5 year old daughter whose behavior has spun out of control lately. My wife has a hard time disciplining her because she still to this day blames herself for the death of our daughter back in April, she says disciplining her wouldn’t be fair to her or the baby that died. I have held and comforted her as much as possible but she has said multiple time “baby I appreciate you trying to make me feel better but you should be angry with me, I killed our child!!” The crying and the sleepless nights /nightmares have been an ongoing thing ever since she had a miscarriage and she has carried this burden with her ever since the baby died and honestly, I am quite worried that she will never be able to go on. It’s gotten to the point where all I know to do is hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay but she shakes her head and says “no, no it’s not okay…it’ll never be okay” Our daughter’s behavior is excused by my wife because she says that she took the chance of Kaylee being a big sister from her so she has every right to be like this. I’ve tried to help Sydney stop beating herself up over it but she often times can’t stop crying long enough to be able to listen. Anytime she sees other families playing with the kids, or Kaylee playing, etc, she automatically breaks down and she can’t handle it. There’s been times where she has ran out of a store, restraunt, you name it.
    The death of our child has just about killed Sydney…literally she is overly depressed and blames herself for everything and has gotten to the point where all she wants to do is lay on the couch and cry. The doctor has her on some meds to help steady her emotions but nothing can ever compare to the pain that she is feeling.
    I don’t know what to do about Kaylee’s behaviors and I don’t know how to help Sydney move forward and stop blaming herself for the miscarriage. What would you recommend I do in this situation with Sydney and Kaylee?